Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

Thank you whisky you're very right. Am just going one hour at a time.

Sweetheart, I know someone this happened to - it didn't end well. He finally married her and promptly had affairs. She booted him out after another 10 years of expensive misery. Now she brings up their 2 DSs on her own, with not much child support as he's had more Dc with a woman he loved.

If he doesn't love you that much, the worst thing you can do is marry him. You are not doing yourself a favour.

It was not unknown in Victorian times for parents to decide that one of their children would remain unmarried and look after them in their old age. That may be behind your ex's family's determination to keep him single. After all, if he got married other people might have to step up and take their turn in caring.

Sending hugs. This was never going to end well. If you did not split up then there would be endless resentment and unpleasantness from his family that would poison your relationship even more.

Sending good vibes

It does get better, honestly it does. I was in a similar boat to you, 16yr relationship and early 30's (but married though). This was a long time ago though for me.

You're still young, don't waste your life just letting it pass you by like I did. We're on this planet such a short time. Grab your life by the horns and live it.

Would you be able to take a few days off work and maybe go and visit your sister perhaps?

I was thinking that. I can't really take time off at the moment but I'm going to go and look at visiting her next month hopefully. Just planning lots of different things to do to keep busy. I really do hope it does get better.

It does honestly it does. It may not happen immediately but you will get there. Don't rush things, take a day at a time, be yourself and enjoy your life.

When I came out of a long term unhappy relationship, I was quite shocked at who I had become (or more who HE had made me become). It took me a while to find myself again but it is very worth it in the end.

Don't waste anymore time beating yourself up about the email or the past, you were bound to snap at some point. Be kind to yourself now.

Well done for how you handled the phone call, it does sound like you've done the right thing. If you get tempted to go back, just remember all these emotions and what you really want in life. Good luck op x

Leave him. I know one woman like you. She spent like 14 years with him waiting for the big day. He said he would never get married with anyone in his life. Marriage isn't important, blah-blah-blah. His parents were OK but we're not looking forward about them tighting the knot either. She got pregnant (they planned it) and she still hoped they would get married. While she was pregnant he "met" a younger, like 13 years younger girl (his Pa) and he got married to her and they now have two children. He just used that woman as she paid full rent nearly all the time (he was loaded with money but every time she would ask him to share the payment for rent or food). Was basically a cocklodger.

Sounds like his mum and his other relatives don't like you one way or another. I'd dump him. He will never be yours if he listens to them.
Some things are not meant to be.
If he truly loved you more, he'd tell them where to 'stick it'.

He thought you'd grovel and apologise and he could go back to 'working on your relationship' but never propose. Because you're so toxic ya know?
Fuck what his friend thinks. Who gives a shit.
You're a young woman with years ahead and you'll meet someone fantastic. Someone who will really really want to marry you and won't drag their feet. One day you'll bump into him while you're out with your fiancé/new husband and he'll still be a single old man. You'll wonder wtf you were ever thinking.
Onwards and upwards Op.

If his friend said that, he 's said it based on two meetings in person and an email you wrote in a crisis. If he really thinks he can or should judge you from that he's an idiot. Frankly, I know you better than he does . People get wrong impressions of others all the time. You just have to accept that you can't make people see you for what you really are.

This isn't just an end, it's a new beginning. Things can only get better.

OP, I do wonder if you aren't just a little but depressed? Your outlook on things and feelings about being alone give me reason to ask. Since you are dealing with a massive life change right now, I would suggest a visit to your GP to see what support they may be able to give you to help you cope with this.

bit not but. obviously

I’d have been off a long time ago especially after being kept secret from his family for 5 years!

Get your stuff, ideally when he’s not there, then go completely no contact, fastest way to move one”.

You’re doing brilliantly. I promise you’ll look back on this week as the time you set yourself free.

Who cares what his friend thinks?! You only have his word that his friend said those things anyway and he was using it to make you feel bad. It’s not the best knowing/thinking there are people out there thinking badly of you even if it’s true and my XH still takes every opportunity to slag me off but no one listens to him and it’s all a fantasy painting him as the wronged party. Ha!

You must be exhausted. Break ups sap all of your resources, even when they’re absolutely right. Look after yourself. Reach out to friends for company. Look forward to your wonderful life, chasing your dreams and doing what YOU want. It’ll be great

OP, you were behind a locked door that stood between you and the hope of having the life you want and deserve. You have finally unlocked and opened that door. The light is bright, it will hurt your eyes initially, but you will adjust....and you will walk though.

Thank you for all your kind words. To the previous poster who asked, yes I've had moderate-severe depression for the last 4-5 years. It's largely circumstantial and I think it will change now as a lot of it has been linked I think to feeling down and powerless. I'm not sure medication will help and the times I've been to the GP they were more than useless so I just want to try and get through this as best I can myself and hopefully it will change.

I realise I should have done this a long time ago but I always hoped things would get better and I felt that on many levels we were such good friends. All of today I have been thinking about the lies he told me - at one point we were looking to buy together and we had an offer accepted and he said he was going to contact his solicitor. It was only when the estate agent threw a fit after weeks he admitted he didn't want to buy it and had never contacted anyone.
It's all these things that I just don't think I will ever be able to forgive.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't believe he is fundamentally cruel or bad. I think he is weak and unable to deal with conflict and a people pleaser but not to the extent that he then carries through what he promises. He's a nice person but very much a by stander in life. He only bought his flat because I did all the work and sorted it out with the estate agents and mortgage broker and because I did not want to carry on living in rented accommodation with him.

When we spoke on the phone yesterday at the end he said he would help towards a deposit if I wanted to buy somewhere to give me more stability. He's said similar things in the past but I feel he doesn't know me very well if he thinks I would accept that. I just want to move in and not have anyone have a hold on me. I haven't heard from him at all today. And I suspect that I won't anymore. In the past when we've sort of broken up we've only fell back into things because I initiated contact so I think this is it for good.

Move on now move in!

Move on not move in! Argh

Hey Oldsunset - go girl! I read the first few pages of your post yesterday and dibbed out thinking naaar, she needs to move on with her life and stop waiting for him to influence it, she doesn't sound like she'll ever do it- but you have, well done you!!! You've taken the shackles off, you are free to go where ever you want and with who ever you want - what a feeling that must be. You have taken the biggest step, make a list of what made you unhappy and keep telling yourself it won't ever again because you are moving on, it's hard but stay positive all the time when you miss routine and companionship, remember every new day is a step forward towards a happy future

I think now you have left, a lot of things will seem clearer to you and more and more you’ll realize this was the right decision. After I left my Ex little things that at the time I hadn’t really understood suddenly made sense and I realized how much he manipulated me and the situation we were in.

I wish you the best for your future happiness. I’m sure you’ll land on your feet.

You are doing great op. Stay strong.

Just think about your friend OP who's now got engaged after 18 months. The more time you spend with Mr Wrong is time wasted finding Mr Right. In a few short years you could be with someone who truly loves you, wants to be with you and make a life with you. You'll never know while you are with him. I was with someone like him but the difference was I am a lot older than you and had had a marriage and children, so I didn't want that commitment but what stands out for me is I never met his mother and I can count on one hand how many times I met and socialized with his friends in 3 years. In contrast my bf now is utterly amazing and so is our relationship. In 9 months I've met lots of his friends, very important people in his life, work colleagues and we have plans for the future made together.

All of today I have been thinking about the lies he told me - at one point we were looking to buy together and we had an offer accepted and he said he was going to contact his solicitor. It was only when the estate agent threw a fit after weeks he admitted he didn't want to buy it and had never contacted anyone.

This does not surprise me AT ALL. It isn't actually that he doesn't know what he wants. He does, but he lacks the gumption to act accordingly.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't believe he is fundamentally cruel or bad. I think he is weak and unable to deal with conflict and a people pleaser but not to the extent that he then carries through what he promises.

I agree he doesn't sound like a bad person, just a weak one. He's not a people pleaser, though, he's a conflict avoider and that's a very different thing. And when conflict is forced on him, as it has rightly been these last few days, he runs around like a headless chicken, babbling crap endlessly and trying to cover every base at once to...avoid conflict. Hence promising to propose, then the relationship is over and toxic, then wanting to try again, etc etc etc.

He is incapable of admitting what he wants and taking appropriate action. He is incapable of action, full stop. I have never in my life met a woman who actually liked a man who was a bystander in his own life and hers.

He isn't intentionally cruel, but I think more harm is done in this world by neglect and cowardice than actual malice.

You are so right to walk away from this stagnant pond. I haven't the words to tell you how right you are.