Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

Added to which, would you really be happy if he came home with a ring now? Or if he appeared to be complying in other ways?

It would all be temporary because neither of you would have really changed.

Do you live together?

He bought a flat on his own in the time you've been together? Do you actually live there with him? I have to echo PP - the fact his family see him as single is a massive red flag, because they must be going by what he tells them. I think you know what you need to do. Good luck.

Do you live together?

What are his reasons for not introducing you to his family?

He didn't tell his family about you for 5yrs???

What's tha all about?

You asked him to get married & he said no-so why are you still there?

What on earth do you see in him?

Read your posts back-he sounds awful!

"At the moment, I feel like just passing on romantic life and a home and children with anyone."

Well, it would certainly be a good idea if you got on with living your life, instead of just waiting for the future.

You were pissed off. You are allowed, every now and then, to get pissed off and say something stupid, as long as you don't make a habit of it.

So the last thing he heard from you was this email? I'd suggest just standing back and waiting to see what he does next. Act as if that email was you breaking up with him. Maybe it was.

I ignored him for most of yesterday and these are the messages I got

"I am sorry for everything. Please let us start again. I promise to not let you down and do things that are really important to you and our future. I really want to make things work with you and I don't want to mess you around or cause you any more hurt and pain. Please listen to me. I can't undo the past or my actions of the last two weeks . I want to be honest with you and be loyal to you."

"I don't want to mess you around anymore . Believe me this is the year when I want to put everything right between us and show you I am totally committed to you. I'm sorry I make you cry and the hurt I have caused by my disloyalty and dishonesty. I'm not going to wait for when things are better between us I'm going to do what is important now . I'm sorry that each time you have to get upset and then I react. It shouldn't be that way when you have told me what you want ."

"Believe me I was listening to you last year and I know what you wanted and I was working towards it. I put things first like starting a business rather than propose to you so you know I am committed to you. I am and I'm sorry I haven't shown it the way I should. I'm trying to put it right. I will make it special for you . It will not make up for the hurt I have caused you but I want you to know I mean it when I want to marry you and I want to do it in a way that you can see I have thought about it and to make you feel special. "

What do you make of those? It's similar to stuff I've heard in the past.

I didn't respond really apart from the email I sent.

"I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore."

There is SO much truth in this statement.

I think even if he reluctanctly got down on bended knee right now, you would always be haunted by the idea that he was hounded into marriage rather than really wanting to do it.

The other problems, with him not really being on side, with his family, won't go away just because you have a dress and a ring. And those are much bigger questions than a proposal.

I know 10 years is a long time, and an awful lot of habit to build up - and breaking with habit is a terrifying thing. But it doesn't sound as though this partnership is really optimal for you - it sounds a lot like you deserve better. Don't get sunk in a sunken costs fallacy, pouring good love and energy after bad. Step back. See a counsellor and get some psychological support to help you make the decision and support you through it. And walk away.

Got to say, one of my dearest friends was in a similar position - she still is, 30 years on, not engaged, married and childless. He does love her and his family treat her like they are married, they love her, which is the difference here.

You're still young, you need to tell him what your expectations are regarding his family, you and your needs being important to him, you definitely need to find out his stance on children.

Do not let 30 years float by and you really regret not sorting this out now, whilst you're young enough to make changes. We really do only live once, don't fuck it up being with someone who is apathetic to your needs.

You deserve much better than this man who has treated you so badly. He would have to change so much to make him even half way acceptable. It's going to be hard but walk away now.

OP, we don't need to see those messages. You don't need to ask us what we make of those. We've already told you what we think - we're almost unanimous - and those messages aren't going to change that.

We lived together for the first 8 years of our relationship. I moved out just over 2 years ago. He said he would change and in 6 months would prove it. Well guess what I have never moved back and I'm pretty sure I won't.

Just read your further post. He doesn't value or respect you. Why, just why, would you not tell your family about your relationship for 5 years?? Their family dynamic sounds dysfunctional and totally not healthy for your self esteem. Your partner sounds like an emotionally lazy person with the self-centred and incredibly selfish 'inertia' that goes with it. He, and his family, and even the friend he was taking to buy your engagement ring) are at the centre of his world and you are on the periphery... present, but not involved or included. Anyone would lose their sense of self after ten years of this. Set yourself free and make the life you deserve with all the fulfilment and joy that will bring you.

He left it a day after what was essentally a breakup message, just sent you emails, didn't rush over to your home?

"I ignored him for most of yesterday and these are the messages I got ... What do you make of those? It's similar to stuff I've heard in the past."

It doesn't really matter what we think of what he writes. What are you going to do?

I'm so sorry, after ten years you're perfectly in order to expect some commitment. The fact that your friend is engaged after only 18 months was bound to get to you.
You say that you gave him an ultimatum a few years ago, but still nothing doing. He may be a really nice man but he's obviously a commitment phobe. No wonder you're fed up.

It's a shame that you've wasted so much time, just letting it drift, perhaps because you didn't want a confrontation. I'd be just the same as I hate fighting but maybe it's time to tell him that it's over. He's had long enough, after all.

You moved out two years ago. How do you think that sounds to us?

It's too little, too late isn't it?

My honest thought after reading your posts is that you've settled for 2nd best, and you know it. For whatever reason, you've clung on in the hope of change but after 10 years, surely you can see that isn't going to happen? It's not necessarily anyone's fault, but that's just who this man is - he dithers and prevaricates instead of getting on with life. And in many ways, you've done the same. You can either stay and spend the rest of your life in resentment and upset, or you walk away and find something way better. At least you are addressing the issue now.

Hes stringing you along.
We lived together for the first 8 years of our relationship. I moved out just over 2 years ago. He said he would change and in 6 months would prove it. Well guess what I have never moved back and I'm pretty sure I won't.
Why are you waisting your time OP? I find that unbelievable. Hes n ot for you at all. Seriously get rid.

I'm not sure that level of apathy even counts as stringing anyone along tbh.

He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want children with you.

He wants the status quo to remain because everything happens on his terms now.

Run. Don't walk.

I know how it all sounds. I sound pathetic and stupid. I've known for so long yet done very little. I haven't got parents. And my one sibling lives overseas. I felt that I managed to get out and live alone but I should have done so much more and I know I need to end it. I know exactly what I think of myself and what I would think of anyone in this position. I haven't been blind because I have known deep down I should have had more self respect and walked away.

I know after everything I've said this sounds stupid but he's not a bad person. He's behaved badly with me but he isn't a bad person. He is kind and generous to people who he knows and doesn't know and always goes out of his way to help others. But he has behaved and treated me in an unkind way and I know our relationship has to end.

You describe him as 'kind' - and maybe he is on a superficial level - but he hasn't been kind to you in the way that really matters, has he?