Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

I can feel myself changing. I used to be bright and optimistic and now I'm often really sad and cynical about everything.

I actually started this thread because I woke up feeling sick about the email I sent last night. I have never felt the need to drag other people into a messy situation nor publicly air my dirty laundry like that nor trash someone so viciously in front of their friend. I feel like really something has gone so very badly wrong with me.

Oh dear. This man will never commit. Even if he shows up with a ring tomorrow because he feels he will lose you otherwise, he will find 1001 reasons to postpone the actual wedding and of course he will not be 'ready' for children until oops, one day you're both too old. Cut your losses.

I'm confused about where you live now. Are you renting? You said you had no family but now you're talking about your mum.

I see it all. I just don't see how I can start all over again with pretty much no other family or help or comfort here. I have friends but I don't really feel I can pitch up to stay with them

You said you weren't living with him. You said you'd moved out 2 years ago so presumably you have a place of your own- or why would you need to pitch up with friends?

One tip- get back to work. You can't stay off work for no reason and having bust up with your BF is not a good enough reason. You don't want to lose your job as well !

Join clubs, join Meet Up which has groups in all cities for singles to do stuff together, get a hobby, make new friends. It takes effort, but you can do it.

I rent by myself. I mean I feel so alone. Yes I have friends but they're not really like having family. I can't just go and stay and have a nice hug and get some support. I said earlier in the thread I am NC with my mum. This makes me want to get in contact but I'm not going to. I know I need to go to work and I will have to tomorrow.

I think I am going to take time off from this thread and clear my head. Thank you for all your replies. I know you are all right.

You asked him 4 years ago and he said no? He doesn't want to marry you op.

I think you are carrying an unnecessary degree of shame about this. Show me the person who hasn't got to breaking point and said something inadvisable!! Yes, it's not ideal as a way of managing a situation, but it's not like you haven't undergone severe provocation. Take it as a sign of the extent to which this relationship is harming your boundaries and sense of wellbeing.

(FWIW, I had a massive rant at my in laws about a year ago. I still feel ashamed of it, but they have been so bullying and controlling and awful for SO long, I just snapped. You're not alone!!)

OP I know real life support would be good right now but if you already have your own place you are in a good position. Just try and be strong.

I just don't see how I can start all over again with pretty much no other family or help or comfort here. I have friends but I don't really feel I can pitch up to stay with them.
You're already living alone, it's not like that much will change! My 20-year marriage ended, I had lived in a different country to my parents and siblings for 20 years so they provided zero support, I had few friends - certainly none whose couch I could sleep on - and on top of that I had two children to take care of, and had to go through an actual divorce, sorting out who would take over the house mortgage, now I am about to move out and live on my own for the first time since I was 20. Yes, it will be emotionally difficult for you, but what else will be hard?

But start what all over? You don't live together, you're not accepted as a part of his family anyway.

I met my DH when I was about your age. A year later we were living together, 6 months later engaged and another 6 months later married. If it works, it won't take 10 years.

It is 2018 not 1818. You do not need to be married. You don't even need a man in your life.

I'm sorry, but this isn't the point.

There are needs and wants. I didn't need a child, but I wanted one. I wanted to be married before I had one too.

Wanting a man (or woman) in your life isn't wrong.

There is a hierarchy of needs in all humans and love is one of those needs.

You're only 31, OP.

I appreciate you've had a horrible few days but now is the time to take some control back.

So, stop wallowing and get busy.

Send him an email apologising for the nasty stuff in your email, but reiterate that you feel the relationship is over (if that's how you feel). Then at least you know you have apologised. Not sure why you emailed his friend too but hey ho.

Talk to some friends in real life. I don't understand why you said, I can't just go and stay and have a nice hug and get some support - why not? This is what friends do.

Go back to work tomorrow, it will distract you if nothing else.

And make appointment to see GP and quit smoking.

Give yourself time to get over this relationship then start looking for someone else. Hope you feel better soon.

He sounds like a bit of a dipstick to me, but if you love him and you want to marry him then tell him that. If it isn't what he wants, or if it isn't what he wants right now, bin him off.

All the tie that you have known him he has been plenty old enough to settle down if he wanted to.

Sounds to me as if he is happy to not do that & look after his parents instead.

Deadringer - have your read the bit where she says she asked him 4 years ago? Can I suggest you RTFFT?

OP - you are already out of this relationship, such as it is. You are not welcome into his family-of-origin, you don't live together,you have different views on life and where it takes you. You are NOT A COUPLE!

And haven't been for 10 years. Snip the last, final few threads and leave him to his life.

If you feel really alone, call the Samaritans- they are there to listen.

It sounds as if you also need new friends or to be closer to the ones you have. If you have no one who can give you a hug, why is that? Do you not have one close friend? Maybe you need to share more and create closer friendships.

tell your work colleagues, tell everyone- it's nothing to be ashamed of and people will be supportive.

I couldve written a very similar thread to this 6 years ago!
I had been with my boyfriend for 8.5 years. I had been to uni for the first 3 and moved away, so we were long distance for that time. I moved back home after uni, and moved out of my mums after a year. He got himself a full time job after struggling for a while. I assumed after that it would all fall into place but it didnt. He kept telling me he wanted to marry me 'one day' and i was so in love i thought it would be worth the wait. He never treated me badly, but he worked 6 days a week, and i wasnt always priority on his day off, and we didnt see each other much. I worked 3 12 hour shifts a week and sometimes would be working on his day off also.
I had been asking him to move in with me for ages but he just kept saying he couldnt do it yet but wanted to in the future. I just realised one day that he was never going to do it. It was the hardest thing i've done, but i ended things. Cried for about a month. He kept asking what he could do to make things better, and i said move in, he said he couldnt. I knew i had made the right choice, as hard as it was.
I met someone else a couple of months later, and he was looking to settle down. We did more in a few months than me and my ex did in years, it was so much fun. We got married a year after we met and our son was born a week later. He made me realise i was worth something, worth marrying, worth moving in with, it was just so easy with him. We have been married 5 years this year, have another son and he makes me so happy. We have been through 2 premature births of our boys and it made us stronger.
You are worth much better than this! If he wants to prove himself to you, he will do it while you are apart, as he has nothing left to lose. If he doesnt bother then you know youve done the right thing. You still have plenty of time to meet someone else who will want all of these things with you and more

You need to move on.

He is just dangling carrot after carrot on a stuck in front of you.

He was never really going to go shopping for a ring. He just said that to buy himself a couple more weeks/months.

Even if he bought a ring I doubt there would ever be a wedding.

Move on, feel sad and sorry then start healing. The sooner you start the sooner you will get there.

So sorry you're going through this, OP. I know how painful it can be.

My view is that at 31 and wanting a family, you need to end this asap. Take a few months to clear your head and start joining some groups.

It really sounds like you're just not a match with this guy. His family alone would be enough to put me off! I think you need to stop making do and start choosing what you actually want.

Good luck with everything!

Ptumbi yes I did rtft and I read that she asked him 4 years ago. I would have dumped his ass then but I am not the op, this is her life we are talking about. As I said if she still loves him and still wants to marry him she should give him an ultimatum and mean it.

Deadringer - she gave him an ultimatum (and didn't stick to it) and she asked him 4 years ago.

She has already done all that you 'suggest'.

There is no more road.

Even if he bought a ring I doubt there would ever be a wedding.

This. I have friends who have been "engaged" since uni, kids in secondary school, house, dog, the whole thing. Shes still waiting for it to be "the right time" for that wedding.

So I called him. It was the same old story. I think I'm going to block him from my phone.

Don't think about it - do it.
Mean it - follow through.
Get out there and enjoy yourself.

You're still young. Find a decent guy who loves you and can't believe his luck. This guy is stringing you along, and taking you for granted.

I can't just go and stay and have a nice hug and get some support.

A friend of mine was recently in crisis. She came to stay for a few days and got all the hugs and support I could give her. Quid pro quo, she was expected to play with the toddler for a bit during the day but they both had a great time and he keeps asking when she'll be back.

That's what friends are for.