Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

Yes

I'm sorry OP. Even if you had come to your own decision that perhaps it would be better if you walked away, I imagine that was a very difficult message to receive from your dp. Things will get better. Promise.

Go out and build good solid friendships. Always have someone you can go to for a hug who isn't your romantic squeeze.

If he wanted you he would have married you by now.

My DD started again at your age and is now very happy, just put it down to experience and move on. Start making plans for the rest of your life.

God, he really does love the sound of his own voice, doesn't he? I'm surprised you didn't fall asleep just reading that verbose drivel.

But I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through, OP. You don't deserve the pain. But you DO deserve a man who will actually take action for you and commit to you in the way you want. And at only 31 (it is young, trust me, it is very young), there is no reason on earth it shouldn't happen for you.

I just spoke to him. He spent 15 minutes telling me it was over, the relationship was toxic and that some bits and pieces I've left at his flat over the years he would pack up and put in storage or drop at my mums - whatever I wanted.

Apparently his friend thinks I'm an awful person for saying what I did, that he was floored to read my email, it comes from a bad place and I'm toxic and abusive with no empathy for his ageing parents who are also unwell and that he can't believe I said what I said.

At the end of this he asked what I thought about everything and I said it didn't really make a difference what I thought and said goodbye and then he said well maybe we should go for counselling and not throw everything away and that if I wanted to we could try again but I would have t forgive him and be willing to start again. I'm not and I said so.

But I feel pretty crap about the whole thing and that someone thinks I am an abusive toxic person and that I should never have said the stuff I said in the first place.

That someone only thinks you're toxic because he got a snapshot of you in a very bad place at crisis point in your long term relationship. He can't see that in the light if lots of other experiences of you because I think you said you've met him twice. Ignore how he viewed you.

Well done Sunset for standing your ground. Time to look forwards and not waste time on either of them. Their opinions do not matter. You've done the hardest part which is finally breaking free after a long relationship. It's ironic that he sends a message to call time on the relationship and then offers you another carrot/way back . He can't seem to decide what he really wants. At least you are crystal clear on what you want - and well done for remembering that it is definitely not this loser.

It will get easier and now you have opened up your life to be with someone you want.

I know what I have to do. But I also feel overwhelmingly very sad. I have no doubt that my ex/DP is also feeling very upset and will be affected. He was at work when we spoke because he is far behind and barely keeping afloat. I get these pangs where I feel very sad for him and also worried. Sometimes I think he could end up being very isolated and I worry he might have a breakdown.

This is how it always with him. Deep down I love him but I also hate everything that he has done and have a lot of anger and resentment and oscillate from one feeling to the other. I don't want to go back though. I feel too much damage has been done and that both of us are damaged in this relationship. What a mess.

Hi Oldsunset1 - you have done the right thing - it will be hard - you will be sad - and if you go back to him it will remain the same. Your only 31 - I wish I was 31 again!!! You are kind, off course you care about him but you do need to go no contact with him. He will reel you back in. You will feel sorry for him. You need to sort out your own future. He will not give you what you want.
He's not been honest with you or treated you how you deserve.
Go forwards - never backwards - Best wishes

You said you had no parents so how’s he going to drop your stuff at your mum’s?

Please read my full thread. I said I am NC with my mum.

You need to make a very hard decision. If you want marriage, a place to own and children and extended relationships in your life (friends and in-laws, nephews and nieces for your DC to play with) then you need to see that he is not the partner to do this with you. In fact he is a big road block in the way of the things you want. Let me tell you that no man is worth missing out on all of the above things and especially this poor excuse of a man.

Old perhaps the relationship is stressful for him, too? Knowing that he can't (or doesn't want to) give you what you want? Fearing that in ten years you'll be in the same position but with children and a fat mortgage?

Listen to what he's trying to tell you and let him go.

At the end of this he asked what I thought about everything and I said it didn't really make a difference what I thought and said goodbye and then he said well maybe we should go for counselling and not throw everything away and that if I wanted to we could try again but I would have t forgive him and be willing to start again. I'm not and I said so.

He cannot commit to any course of action, OP. He's been saying he'll propose for years and he can't commit to that. Two days ago he was totally going to propose THIS TIME, he just had to have time to make it SPECIAL ENOUGH. The next day, he's ended it. Today, he's telling you you're abusive and toxic and then in the next breath wants to give it another go.

I'm dizzy just reading this shit. Left right, left right, left right...he can't commit to ANYTHING. He has no idea what he wants and if he's still dithering at 45 he's not going to change in that respect.

You have handled this brilliantly. Ok, the email wasn't your finest hour but shit, people do silly things when they are hurt and anxious. You didn't assault anyone. It's certainly no worse than stringing a woman along for years with bullshit promises when she's made it clear she wants something you're never going to give her.

You don't have to stop loving him. People end relationships while loving each other all the time. Love alone is not enough, not when you want completely different things and he has made it clear for years that his promises are bullshit. You can love him, and mourn the relationship, and still walk away and find someone who's right for you.

So he sends you that email and tells you that it’s over. As soon as you agree with him he starts to back track and say you can try again. I’m afraid he is the toxic element in the relationship. That’s typical can Byron behaviour. Say it’s iver, so you panic and beg him to stay, and you’ll agree with anything he asks. Agree it’s over and he offers to try again and see someone about the relationship. No wonder you’re all over the place, he’s playing you. I’m sure once the shock has worn off you’ll start to feel more like your old, happy, self again without him in your life. You can go on and do everything you want to

Can Byron = controlling

Especially what @PoorYorick said. Love is not enough.

People think it is, or that is should be, but it is not.

You need so much more than love to have a good, healthy relationship and you were not getting this from your ex.

Love is good, it's a starting point. But it is not the be-all and end-all of relationships.

Sounds like he doesn't want to break up either, but that still doesn't mean he wants to have what you want. You'd both love to be together if only you were on the same page. So you're both sad at having to split up because you're not on the same page.

Ignore what he says his friend has said. Whether he said that or not, makes no difference. The friend doesn't know your relationship, doesn;t know how you were ignored by his parents, and he is of no consequence, You'll never meet him again, so let it go.

Let them all go. Concentrate on you. It's hard, and painful, but it does get better, and will eventually be much much better.

So he tried his usual "ok, THIS time im really going to change, for realz" and you didnt go for it.
THEN mysteriously his friend (who you dont really know and who apparently didnt say any of this while he was sending his huge initial emails) suddenly thinks youre being totally unreasonable and that you should break up.
You dont reply with "OMG no Im so sorry, forget everything!".
THEN he tells you "oh, actually maybe we can work, I am prepared to try and forgive you for being so awful DESPITE my friend thinking you are awful (friend you cannot ask) but you have to forgive me for everything up to this point and never mention any of this again, and be willing to work harder."

Please. All this screams of someone who was never going to give you more than you were getting, hes trying all the cliches one after another to get you to run back and go back to being silently unhappy while he gets exactly what he wants.

I can't remember which pp said it but it's breaking a habit.

I do believe that his friend said those things and I can imagine he thinks that I'm an emotionally abusive person. I don't believe he would lie about it.

We've been in this situation so many times ago breaking up but not really breaking up. That I'm worried I'll just fall back into it. But I also think it will be harder now. A lot of stuff I said is out there and in some ways it makes it easier to not go back. I don't want to be in a relationship where people know or think that it's so awful.

He spent 15 minutes telling me it was over, the relationship was toxic and that some bits and pieces I've left at his flat over the years he would pack up and put in storage or drop at my mums - whatever I wanted.

Apparently his friend thinks I'm an awful person for saying what I did, that he was floored to read my email, it comes from a bad place and I'm toxic and abusive with no empathy for his ageing parents who are also unwell and that he can't believe I said what I said.

At the end of this he asked what I thought about everything and I said it didn't really make a difference what I thought and said goodbye and then he said well maybe we should go for counselling and not throw everything away and that if I wanted to we could try again but I would have t forgive him and be willing to start again. I'm not and I said so.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Well that backfired didn't it!!!

You were supposed to be successfully guilted and shamed into completely backtracking on your issues, ending up apologising for your awfuless and toxic behaviour - he would then grudgingly 'be persuaded' into givign you another chance while you pleaded and begged 'I'm so sorry, I was so bad, I promise I'll never complain about your utter lack of committment again, blah blah' - while he gives a satisfied smirk at the other end of the phone. Job done. Problem neutralised!! Back to business.

Instead - oh fuck off, I've heard this before so cut the crap.

Well done OP. There is no need to waste another minute on him, his manipulation, his nonsense - it's all designed to keep you in line as a nice little companion piece while he gets on with having exactly the life he wants.

Sort the stuff if you can but make sure he stays gone.

Just wanted to drop in to say: it gets better. Slowly but surely. This is the hardest bit. Everything feels raw, it's scary, and there are a million tiny habits to break - including habits of thought - and each time you have to do one of those things differently, you feel a pang.

My guess is that in a couple of days or so he'll be back on the phone, and you'll get wheedling or begging. You may want to consider not taking those calls, if they make it harder for you to stick to a course you know to be right, but difficult.

However, there will also be moments of relief, of calm. And those will increase as time goes on.