Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

^^ What Banyan said!

I'm afraid that I think you should leave. I think yours is a very common situation. Pretty much all the women I knew in your situation eventually broke up with their partners. Their exes tended to meet someone else and get married very quickly. Sorry. I think if it hasn't happened after 10 years, the moment has passed.

I scrolled and scrolled until I saw your post with your age. That's the key bit of info here.

31?

GET OUT NOW.

You're not even living with him any more because this 'relationship' is such a dead duck. You may not have had the courage of your convictions yet to actually finish with this user-loser but why don't you make today that day?

You get nothing out of this. He gets exactly what he wants - a 'partner' but none of the life responsibility.

You will regret this SO SO bitterly if this idiot was the reason you never had a family of your own.

You're young. Get out right now! Don't waste another minute with him. Don't even answer his nonsense emails. You don't even live with him - you're already free.

You're 31 and still have time to meet someone, get married and have a baby. Soon it will be too late. This man clearly doesn't respect you or want the same things. He's already wasted your 20s. Don't let him also take your 30s and your opportunity to be a wife and mother - get out now!

Please leave!!! I was in a similar relationship. My b/f at the time also seemed to live 2 lives, we were together 5 years and i once met his gran but apart from that never met any of his family. He liked having a g/f at home for when it suited him but never wanted to take me with him to anything that involved his friends/family, he would go on his own. I would wait around for him all the time and he kept promising me he would change and we would get married, buy our own house etc but they were just empty promises. I kept threatening to leave but never did it. I eventually landed up cheating on him (not physically but an emotional, mainly text affair) which i felt bad for and not saying that's okay or the way forward but it's hard not to when you're getting nothing from someone and that's what gave me the confidence to leave!

I'm so glad now i did, i feel like such a mug for letting myself be treated like that. Why on earth did he not want me to have anything to do with his friends/family, he obviously didn't feel proud to be with me. OP why is there such an issue with you and his family, is it you personally they don't approve of or they just don't want him to have a partner in general? And totally agree hardly a confidence booster for you if he feels pushed into getting engaged.

You sound like his security blanket.

Make Valentines your fullstop.

If no ring and romantic day, your never going to get it.

If you get a ring tell him you want marriage and to be trying for a baby by midsummers day or it's the end.

Right now unless you tell him what you want it won't happen.
Go and see his parents and tell them your willing and happy to help look after them, and make the effort to do things to show them this, but only once he sets a date.

I think his family want his money, They are the gold diggers not you.

OP I think you are hiding stuff. I've asked, and have others, if this is a cultural thing. I suspect his family are Asian and there is this expectation that the children take care of the elderly in their old age. If he is single and childless (is he?) yes they might resent him having a partner. But it's still very odd that you lived with him for EIGHT YEARS IN HIS FLAT and his parents knew nothing of that for 5 years?

What on earth was all that about?

I can understand how elderly parents want to hang on to their single son and have his support, but if he was real man he'd not listen to them or be influenced - if he wanted to marry you.

As for your smoking- you've been stupid. Go to your GP and ask for help to stop smoking. All you've done is give yourself another problem and you need to stop before you harm yourself any more.

He's had free no strings sex for 10 years, no wonder he's been happy to fob you off for so long.

You've had the patience of a saint. The only way I could see this working now would be if he genuinely came running, whisked you off tour feet and made radical changes. I just can't see that happening. I'm so sorry.

Yes he is from a different culture. I am worried that I have said so much I have now outed myself. Or that his friend's wife is on here and will recognise everything.

He is from a different culture as am I but he was born here and to a certain extent I think it's irrelevant. It's how he is and I think he would be the same if he was with someone from his own culture. Before he met me he was engaged to someone from his own culture but he called it off. His friend who is/was meant to be going with him today isn't from the same culture. He's native British if that's the right term and I don't know what he makes of this whole situation.

I've been thinking a lot. It's all I seem to do for the last few years. And I know why I feel so sad. We had a genuinely good relationship on almost every level. And I feel like it's all been spoilt and tainted now even if he can and is able to change and that's what makes me feel so depressed. I know nothing can go back to how it used to be and last night I felt angry that he would throw it all away or never be upfront. But now I just feel empty.

I have not gone in to work yesterday or today and I just can't see how I am going to get through this week.

OP I have no idea how you have managed to stay patient for so long. You are only young and it is not too late to start again. I had a situation with my EXBF, he knew that I wanted marriage and children from the outset. We lived together and he then kept taking me engagement ring shopping but at the same time wanted to try for children (I refused). After a while, I gave him an ultimatum and he told me that he didn't "believe in marriage". Long story short, I left him and he then did a U turn and wanted to marry me. I refused because I would not want to be with someone who was only marrying me out of force. I am alot happier without him and can't believe how much he held me back. I am already in the beginnings of a new relationship with someone who is alot more driven and makes me really happy. Stick to your guns and move on, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think you need to know if he has a valid reason for waiting. I was in a similar situation regarding the house and went ahead and bought one on my own when my then fiancé explained why he had been dragging his heels - completely valid reason but we communicated. This was only about 3 years into our relationship but 10 years sounds like he is in a happy place with a partner just where he wants her. I would ask him what exactly he wants out of the relationship and where it is going. If you don't like the answer - you need to decide whether you are willing to put up with it or leave

The expression Piss or get off the pot comes to my mind.

Neither of you sound happy in your relationship, yet you both seem afraid to end things.

My advice would be to end things, let him find someone he wants to be with and give yourself a chance of finding someone who loves you and truly wants to be with you.

Sunset - no wonder you're upset. You've spent 10 years with him, and the last two years living separately. Neither of you has acted on your ultimatums. Now your best friend has got engaged, it has made you realise what you have - or rather what you don't have.

It's perfectly natural to be upset and find it hard to change things as you've been ''together' a long time. In your heart of hearts you know continuing with this guy will not bring you the same happiness as your best friends. As you said in your original post: It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore.

The hardest step is the first one - making the break. Although it will be sad and painful at first, you are grieving at what could have been - and the realisation that it never will be. As the days go by, check in with yourself weekly. You'll find that things WILL get better and as so many other posters have said above, they don't regret moving on - and neither will you.

FGS!! What on earth are you thinking?

It is 2018 not 1818. You do not need to be married. You don't even need a man in your life.

Spend some time looking after yourself and focussing on living with you and boosting your self esteem.

Get back on track with your work, make some travel plans, get fit, stop the smoking and maybe see your GP if you think you may have a problem with your mental health.

Maybe it was good once, but not it's just making you unhappy.
Treat this as the end and start planning new things for yourself. Think if you can of things that you can only do alone. Is there something you've always wanted to do but never quite got round to? A course, a new hobby, a holiday, a career change? Plan that. Then do it.
A relationship is supposed to add to your happiness, not sap it.
At 31 there are so many exciting things you could do and not one of them needs a man. You will probably meet someone new when you are out living your new and better life, but that's not really the point. Don't waste your life waiting.

Do you live with him? do his washing cook his meals? regular sex?

I'm not suggesting that for a minute you withhold anything but he has no incentive to marry you.

He's also been disrespectful to you and playing you along. Time to move on maybe. From reading your post if he does produce a ring would you be foolish enough to accept?

There you go then! Go get yourself a good life!

Don't let a mere 'man' jeopardise your job.
You need to keep busy.
It's hard. It really is but work might be just the distraction you need right now.
31 is so young.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Don't spend it with someone almost a generation older than you who is still tied to his parents apron strings.
No good can come from this.
Walk away, head held high, move on!

Why would you want to marry into a family that treats you like that?

Do you live with him? do his washing cook his meals? regular sex?
Please RTFT- it's all there.

OP of course you are disappointed. Yes his culture matters, but equally he is weak or using his parents as an excuse.

Look this is really hard for you- you've invested 10 yrs with this man, but the worst thing now is to waste another moment with him.

He doesn't want you, he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want babies with you,he's not going to have a lightbulb moment at 45.

He may be scared of losing you with what you currently have but he's not wanting anything more than that.

I mean which decent man would take his friend out to buy a ring for you? Bonkers.

It should be something you do together, romantic, your choice.

You ought to have seen the light when you moved out of his flat- not sure why you did that but carried on seeing him.

Get rid, go for counselling to help your self esteem (you need it), see your GP to get support to stop smoking , get a new life and a man who worships you and wants to have babies with you.

You will grieve for this relationship, it's been a long time, but you know deep down it's not going anywhere- doesn't matter how good a match you think you are- you don't want the same things.

Agree with a PP that your age is key here, for fertility reasons. You have no more time to waste with this man.

You made some bad decisions staying with him so long: don’t compound it.

His messages are wonderful. Really hopeful and optimistic and it sounds like he's really going to change.

But talk is cheap. Words don't mean anything. Purely look at his action, as that shows his true nature.

He has no intention of changing. He's had plenty of opportunity to do the things that you want. He hasn't. He doesn't want to.

It's not that he's bad or that he doesn't love you. He's probably decent and does love you. He just doesn't want the same as you want. That's clear.

I don't. That's why I said I don't feel able to even accept any plans to get married now. I know after everything that's happened it doesn't really mean anything. It's not sincere. It's not because he really wants to marry me. Now it's just going through the motions. I would have to accept he doesn't stick up for me with his family and that he thinks it's fine to talk to those of them who've been outwardly awful to me.

I see it all. I just don't see how I can start all over again with pretty much no other family or help or comfort here. I have friends but I don't really feel I can pitch up to stay with them. As good friends as they are they're not friends like family. My mum would not be interested as it's more trouble han it's worth. And my sister will probably still keep in touch with him anyway.

I know it's better to feel alone than feel so unhappy like this. And I really hope that I do feel better soon and that in 6 months time this is over. I've only had one longish relationship before this and I walked away but it was hard and took me a very long time. I worry I'm just not strong enough and will keep getting sucked back in but I know I can't. And I've read these boards so many times before. I know how annoying it is to see something so blindingly obvious and someone with their head in the stand or is dithering about taking control.

Op I have no answers but really feel for you. I am in a similar position. I know why you stayed. He keeps promising you everything you hope for but never delivering. Because you love him you hope he will come through. The thoughts of leaving him hurt. Plus you already have so much history together it would be a shame to walk away.

Its honestly a crap position to be in and probably is one of our own making.

The reason I never leave is because I know the minute I do he probably would propose. It all feels a bit gamey and even in that situation I don't think it would be sincere more that they will do anything to get you back. I guess the two options you have is stay and hope for the best or leave and start afresh with someone else. Depending on your age I'm guessing that will play a big part.