Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

Even if you got engaged (think you’d be made to) it could be a 10 year engagement and made just to pacify you. You do sound heartbroken and in a difficult space. Can you go away for a few days, cut contact whilst you decide what you want to do? How old are you?

No mention of love in those messages from him. No use of 'we'.
Move on without him and don't look back.

*mad

"We lived together for the first 8 years of our relationship. I moved out just over 2 years ago. He said he would change and in 6 months would prove it. Well guess what I have never moved back and I'm pretty sure I won't."

Seriously?! That's more than a shot across the bow, isn't it? That's you pointing a cannon right at him while waving two red flags and signing in semaphore 'I'M LEAVING, YOU ASSHOLE'. And he still hasn't changed.

He is showing you very clearly who he is and what his priorities are. You need to listen. For your own sake, before you waste more time.

I left a relationship of 17 years in my early 30s (high school romance gone horribly wrong). Best thing I ever did. There is a much better life after.

Sorry, cross-post x

I'm 31. He is 45.

How old are you, OP?

Hope you don't mind me asking, but your age has a big influence on this, IMO, if you're 25 or 35.

I've just reread the title of this post, "Am I an awful person?" No, you're not and I think that it's sad that this situation is eating away at your self-esteem.

The situation is awful and his behaviour is bad. He is the one who's at fault, not you - you've shown incredible patience but I think it's time to walk away. There are plenty of nicer men out there. If he's sad at what he's lost - well, tough. Don't let anyone else walk over you like this again.

Sorry, OP. Cross posted.

I haven't got parents. And my one sibling lives overseas

But you said he was good with your family?

You don't sound pathetic and stupid. All I hear is the sound of scales falling from your eyes. You sound like someone waking up from lethargy, on the cusp of turning their life around, starting to really live.

31, go for it, there's hope yet :)

"I haven't been blind because I have known deep down I should have had more self respect and walked away"

Noooooo, there's no point thinking like that. You don't lack self-respect; you wouldn't be asking these questions if you did. You are just clinging to safety and habit, as so many of us have done before you. But that is not the way to be happy. Sometimes it's necessary to take a big, terrifying leap in order to open up a new future.

I feel for you - I don't have family support either and I know how terrifying and isolating it feels to make a huge decision like that without a safety net or anyone to shore you up and put you back on your feet. Having a counsellor helped me loads, not because I was some fuckup but because I didn't have family to give me unconditional positive regard and I needed a bit of space where I wasn't feeling alone and lost to figure out how to put my life back together differently.

I think you need to move on. There is too much negative and back story for you to be truly happy. He has never put you first and I suspect never will.

What do you do wait another year for "things to be better between you".

You are not an awful person and you deserve happiness.

Yes he is. My sister often calls and he will speak to her and visit her when she is here. And they are close. He has given her advice and help in the past.

My dad passed away before we were together. And he is good with my mum and very non judgemental. However I have gone NC with my mum. Mainly because of lots of other things that have happened in the past. Sorry I realise that is confusing. But I know that if anything happened he would help me or my family regardless of what they had done.

OP you have to end it and you know you do. He's stringing you along and only now that you have sent the email is he throwing all these words around making more empty promises.
He said "I want to do what's important to you". Indicating that marriage, babies etc still is not important to him. If a man is being railroaded into marriage and a family, I'm sorry, he won't stay loyal like he is claiming.
You both have to want it. He clearly doesn't want it. It's been a decade. Give yourself some self respect and some dignity, and leave. You deserve way more than wasting your life hanging around for a man who doesn't want the same things you do. You still have time to meet the RIGHT man who will treat you as you should be treated, who will want the same things. You still have time to start a family. Just please start one with a man who wants it too.

Please, please don't waste your life like this. I have a daughter, and I'd be absolutely heartbroken if she squandered her life and passed on things she really wanted for a man. He's stringing you along. You have to stop letting him. Leave. Life can be so much better than this.

His message is bullshit. It's just more stalling. If he really meant it he would be round right now with a ring (a cheap one just for the proposal and suggesting you go to buy the real one together this weekend, and start looking at venues to book now). When men want something they TAKE ACTION to make it happen. He is just stalling again.

His response to you is immature, self indulgent, whiny and, worst of all, lacks any kind of conviction. He will propose when he's had a chance to make up something massive for it? Fuck that, you don't care about that and he knows it! It's just an excuse to fob you off while claiming he's got noble motives. He wants to marry you? He buys a simple ring (as above), gets round there and gets down on one knee. He doesn't send long adolescent emails wibbling about how he's not worked out how to do it in ten fucking years.

At 31 you still have lots of time left to find someone and build a happy life together, the kind you want. You would be wise not to waste any more time, though, and this man is a time waster.

Leave him! 45?! Let him be a lonely old man!!
I don’t understand why his family want him to be single! That’s strange too!

If you break up with him, what would you look for in a partner?

How could his family not know of your existence for five years if you were living with him? Is there a cultural problem?

I know exactly what you're going through right now and how hard it is to walk away. You know it's the right thing to do but when you've invested so long in something, you desperately want it to work and you believe him when he says he doesn't want to lose you blah blah blah. I know someone exactly like this. He's kind to everyone else, has time for everyone else but can't give you what you want and as soon as you try and make the move to leave, he sucks you back in by saying all the right things and because you love him, you want to believe him.

It is so, so hard but you need to be strong and move on. You're only 31, you still have time to get out there and meet someone who wants the same things as you, who will put you above everything else and who won't keep you a secret from his family. You're going to need a big box of tissues for the tears but you know what you need to do xx

I'd look for the same things to be honest. We have similar values. The only thing I'd change is someone who has the drive to know what they want and make it happen and the courage to be honest about things. I'd keep the kindness, generosity and sense of humour, relaxed attitude, curiousity about the world and desire to travel and try new things.

he's 45 and still does what his parents want? Really?

Is he divorced? When you met him at 35 was he divorced?
Why is a 45 yr old man still influenced by his family? Does he have children? Has he had his fingers burned and his parents don't want that to happen again?

Is there a reason why they don't like you? Is there a cultural issue going on here?

To have had a partner for 10 years and not be welcomed by his family seems very odd.

I think you have to walk away. This isn't going to work out but I also think there are things you aren't telling us.

I'm not normally the sort of person to say ltb but I honestly don't see why you are still in This relationship. I don't trust or believe in anything he says. I never understand why people have to wait until they have set up a business/bought a home/ changed job/ whatever to propose marriage to someone. You either love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them or not. That isn't dependent on other things going on in your life.

And the reaction of his family towards you doesn't give me cause for hope either. I know you are not marrying his family, but if you marry, one way or another, they will play a part in your life, and it doesn't sound as though they will make you happy. You shouldn't be expecting your partner to abandon his family for you either. That is an extremely unhealthy response imo. Why on earth do his family want him to remain single? Who wants that for their child? By this, do you mean they don't want him marrying you in particular?

One way or another, I think you should cut your losses. I am sorry for you. 10 years is a long time to wait for someone. I waited 3.5 for my dh and that seemed long enough. I remember times feeling as frustrated and irritated as you. I can't imagine why you have waited 10 years.