Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

[Oldsunset1]

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

He won't change at the age of 45.

You have two options:

1. Stick with him and even if you do manage to get married, you'll then be unhappy and tied to a moron who can't put you first. Miserable, but you would get half his flat in the divorce, so swings and roundabouts.

1. Bin the loser off and start to live your life. Find someone who is head over heels with you.

Pretty obvious from my sofa.

Thank you. I know this all true. I worry so much that after all these years of knowing deep inside that I'm worth more than this that I will cave again.

This will sound terrible. But a year ago I felt so down and fed up about it all that I thought I was tired of just living my life and being "good" and I should start trying other things. I've never taken drugs or smoked apart from socially but I decided that I would start smoking. I haven't admitted it to anyone because I guess I think it sounds bonkers to just one day say I decided I would buy a pack of cigarettes.

In fact I did it just before I turned 31. Honestly I feel now that's the only thing I have to look forward to.

You've known him ten years. He's 45. How highly do you rate his chances of still developing that drive, say in percent?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/what-to-do-if-your-unhappy-relationship-is-case-of-sunk-cost-fallacy-a7475266.html

curiousity about the world and desire to travel and try new things.

He doesn't sound like this sort of person.

The only thing I'd change is someone who has the drive to know what they want and make it happen and the courage to be honest about things.

I don't blame you for wanting this, anyone would. You will be utterly miserable sharing your life with someone who doesn't possess these qualities. At the very least you'll never be married to him, so you can walk away any time.

Also OP, I don't want to upset you even further but there is a recurring tale where a man fobs a woman off for years and years and years and she puts up with it because reasons, and then once she's no longer able to have children, he fucks off and marries someone else who is, and has them. I don't know if this is him, but it's certainly a familiar beginning.

You are still young, younger than you think (trust me) and you have plenty of time left, but don't waste any more of it.

You should have got a tattoo instead, much healthier.

In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me

So you have been pushing him to ditch his entire family for you?

He has been honest with you, he's told you over and over again that he doesn't want to marry you and have children with you. You've chosen to hang on and keep pushing. why would you do that?

You made this situation. You can't be angry at someone who won't marry you when they have said they don't want to.

45? He isnt going to change OP. Find someone who wants what you want in life.

We can tell you to LTB etc... but at the end of the day this is YOUR life and YOUR decision.

If you've heard it all before I would probably respond with that.
'Yeah yeah, I've heard it all before, over and over again and nothing ever changes. I'm 31 so I have plenty of time of move on and find the person that wants to love, commit and have DC with me. YOU are NOT that person. As you have proven time and time again. This is over. Has been for years, but I've been holding onto the hope you and your family would accept me and we could have a full life together. That is no longer an option. I am moving on'

Or you could try again. Give him YET another chance.
Do you really think he means what he says in those messages?

Are you of the same cultures OP? I ask because I wasted 10 years of my life on someone who was promising me the moon but had an overbearing family who strongly disliked me because I was of a different culture. I was absolutely heartbroken, had to go on anti-depressants etc but in the end I left him.

I’m sorry OP, but it shouldn’t be this difficult. If he wanted to do all the things you want, kids, marriage, house he would have done.

As for him not sticking up for you regarding his family, that totally sucks and shows a complete lack of respect. He should be behind you 100%, looking after you, protecting you and he’s simply not. This alone would have me running for the hills.

He has an odd relationship with his family. He is the youngest. His parents are very ill and he takes on the lion share of looking after them. But as he says - and I do believe him - he loves doing it and spending time with them. It's not a chore. But they aren't keen on him having a partner and neither are his siblings. I suspect part of the reason, on his siblings' side, is they thought their children would get some sort of inheritance and they have called me a gold digger themselves even though I'm not on the deeds of his flat. I think on his parents' side it's just selfishness that they don't want him to stop coming round.

I don't know. I thought all families are dysfunctional. I'm sure they are you just never hear about it. So in some ways it doesn't seem that weird to me. My family aren't great either. The only difference is I don't go out of my way to help them or stay in touch.

Imagine he stays. And marries you. And you have a baby.

How good will he be at putting you and the baby first? Before his family? How proactive will he be in looking after the baby?

The discontent you feel now will be a picnic in comparison. You'll be trapped. Forever.
Run away run away run away.

Hmm. All sounding a bit weird now. I'm out.

You are 31, still young enough to end this relationship and find the one who will become your life partner and have what you want.

It sounds like you settled for 2nd best rather than being single. If he wanted to marry you, he would have done.

It's your life; waste it if you will. But don't blame him for your choices.

If you look at your life as a whole then 10 years is probably only 1/8th of it. You have time to move on and change everything, preferably with someone younger, and less set in their ways.

I know I need to leave. Neither him nor his friend have responded to my email and I think this is probably the end. I do feel ashamed of everything I've said.

I think after everything and despite all the messages he sent yesterday, he probably will do nothing.

And more than anything, after seeing my best friend engaged with someone who wants to be with her and has introduced her to his family, I know it shouldn't be this hard.

Maybe even if I never found anyone else it would be better to just be alone rather than do this.

Sorry but you are wasting your life with this 'man'. If you want children, marriage, a house etc you will never see any of these with him. Ever. No matter how many times he says he will change, he never ever will.

I would pack my things and walk out when he isn't there. Just leave a note if you want but I wouldn't even bother with that. Would just get a flat ready to move into behind his back, change my number and leave. He doesn't need an explanation to be honest. As horrible as this will sound, he will be fine without you. It won't cause him any grief, he likely won't miss you. You need to accept that, he doesn't actually love you I'm sorry to say. And you need to start thinking about yourself, not trying to keep him happy and get the life you want. Both of those things won't work together.

You moved out and he didn't change?? He isn't going to change!!

Life is really short - why spend it doing something or being with someone that doesn't make you happy?

It is fine to be upset and to grieve that this phase of your life is over. However I think you need to be looking towards a new future - with someone else!

In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

His family sound charming! Just think, if you married him you'd have this miserable lot as your in laws!

OP, sounds like you're on different pages and want different things. Cut your losses and end it with him.

Take back control and make the decision for yourself. You'll feel better when you're not constantly waiting for this mythical ring to materialise.

Find out what YOU want from life, and have some fun.

Maybe even if I never found anyone else it would be better to just be alone rather than do this.

Yup! It's usually better to be single than to be in an unhappy relationship.

Oh and of course you'll find someone else! It may not feel like it now but there really are plenty more fish in the sea - much nicer fish that this one! Take some time for yourself, do things that you love that make you happy, spend time with family and friends. I bet in 12 months time you'll feel like a different lady and be ready to find a new and much more fragrant fish!

First of all, you need to take responsibility for being in this relationship so long.

One good thing here is that you are young enough to move on and find another guy. Women in your position in their late 30s are often so desperate to have a baby and stick with it.

I wouldn't marry into a family that didn't like me or want their son to get married. I think his family want him to do all the parent care...it's exceedingly selfish behaviour from them.

I don't think you should have written the email to his friend. That was a bad move.

Finally ... I see nothing good of someone being hounded into marriage like you said. Any argument and it will be thrown in your face "I never wanted this...but you kept banging on about it"

You are 31 and he is 14 years older than you? Well, he is onto a winner isn't he. He's got this young woman as his GF and no commitment. He is 45, set in his ways and he is not going to change anytime soon. He is just kicking the ball into the long grass. He is kind and generous on a superficial level so that you, a 14 years his junior woman, will stick around.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem TBH and dump the chump. He is not a good catch. He is a man child still attached to his umbilical cord. He hasn't introduced you to his family because he knows 14 years his junior is a bit embarrassing on his side and his nephews may hit on you. His parents and siblings want him to remain single so their 45 year old relative can carry on being at their beck and call.

He is a loser. You are 31 and have LOADS of time to find someone who isn't a lazy bastard and a liar.

Is his family from a different culture/religion to you op? That would explain why he kept you secret for years and years.

He started up a business and bought his own flat rather than propose to you????

Op his ACTIONS speak louder than words.

Why have you not absorbed what his actions tell you?

It sounds as if he is trying to appease you and keep his close family happy, and if he doesn't support you that tells you everything imo.

I agree with you that him suddenly proposing now would be tainted by all what's happened to make it happen.

You are always going to feel humiliated and crappy that you forced him to do it and in any argument he could always turn to you and say you forced me or bullied me to do it!!

Hardly the romantic, wonderful experience you deserve.

I think you are so used to being treated second class that you have forgotten that there is a whole wonderful world out there with lovely men who treat you with the utmost care and consideration and who would want to marry you and have children with you.

This man does not sound a bad person but sounds bullied by you into doing what you want and he is trying to appease you. He sounds weak.

It is blatantly obvious but not to you that a man who doesn't want to marry and have children with a woman does not ask her to marry him!!