Dealing with BIGOTED opinions of bf 🙄

[Belle356]

Hi everyone

I’m really struggling with something and I would love some advice if anyone has a moment...

I’m two months pregnant with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We live together and he has an 8 year old son from his previous marriage who we see every Wednesday and every other weekend.

Now that I’m pregnant I’m so keen to move on and focus on a happy life together and make our family work. However, my boyfriend keeps dropping bombs that i simply can’t ignore. Some examples: Once in an big argument he was totally racist about my Jewish ex-husband. He never apologised or tried to take it back.
Earlier today he commented on a lady on the tv’s clothes, saying she shouldn’t wear that dress as it made her ‘Tits look saggy’ (literally didn’t though) and her boyfriend should have told her not to wear it as she looked pregnant. 😡
Just now, while sitting down to do his sons homework, he said it didn’t matter if he did what was instructed or not. I argued that it might be a better idea to encourage him to follow the instructions his teachers set and do it properly and he stroppily said ‘No, he should do it how I said, it’s more important to be fun...’ I said we could make it fun and do it properly, but he got annoyed and said that it didn’t matter what the teachers thought- they were stupid and that’s why they’re only teachers. I mean what the hell kind of attitude is that!!

These fundamental differences in opinions worries me that I just shouldn’t be with him. My mum was a teacher and I’m deeply offended by the things he says. He has lots of redeeming features of course, but if his views are so bigoted, how can I get past them? I can’t dictate what he says around his own son, but I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude. He thinks the gender pay gap is justified too and doesn’t listen to my opposing view and just says I don’t understand business. So frustrating, what can I do?! Any advice on how to approach the subject?

Thank you!

Good to see Mumsnet being its usual judgemental self.

This guy's opinions are pretty extreme for Britain in the 2010s and fairly silly. The idea that teachers are idiots and homework should be done any old way is just odd. I certainly don't share his opinions, although lots of people do.

But having "correct" opinions is not the same as being a good husband or father. After all, every person before about 1930 and most before 1990 would have had opinions which we now think of as wrong.

A lot of people don't take "opinions" all that seriously. Even their own opinions. They just don't find having ideas that interesting or important. They struggle to remember what the right thing to say is, or they say any old thing, or what their Dad used to say. It's not very polite, but its a bit different from being a mass-murderer.

Decide for yourself, but don't make the foolish mistake of thinking that opinions about abstract political stuff matter more than basic human warmth and decency.

But having "correct" opinions is not the same as being a good husband or father. After all, every person before about 1930 and most before 1990 would have had opinions which we now think of as wrong.

They were wrong and stupid then, but now that most people realise they are wrong and stupid, how much MORE wrong and stupid must you be not to realise that you're being wrong and stupid?

Seriously, you'd be happy in a relationship with a 1930s throwback? Someone who thinks the last 80 years didn't happen?

It’s abundantly clear if you RTFT that this thread is not about his opinions, but actually about his general lack of warmth and decency and his fragile ego.

@WendyHadWings - did you read OP's last updates? Considerably more issues than 'opinions' - he clearly isn't warm or decent.

Did you not bother to read much after the first page or two?

An opinion about the pay gap is not an abstract political opinion. It shows how he views women.

My crystal ball sees mysery for you in the future.

A lot of people don't take "opinions" all that seriously. Even their own opinions. They just don't find having ideas that interesting or important. They struggle to remember what the right thing to say is, or they say any old thing, or what their Dad used to say.
Speak for yourself. I have opinions and ideas all my own!

When you say you struggle t find the 'right' thing to say - are you North Korean? Are you 'told' what opinions you should have? You should read a newspaper, or watch the News, and form your own ideas about how you want the world to look.

Ideas do change from decades ago - it was thought cool to smoke, to hit kids, to use black people as slaves, to drink beer instead of water. To drill holes in skulls to relieve headaches. To worship an imaginary fire-breathing God in the sky... Take your pick. Some of us have moved on, mainly by questioning what we've always been 'told'.

Try it. Just 'doing what you've always done' just because :- makes you small-minded, slightly thick, and yes, bigoted. And stuck in a time-warp, not the present.

To be fair, you don't actually need to read more than the OP. From that alone you can see the man's antisemitic, sexist, misogynistic, ignorant and just offensively, dangerously thick. It's not a combination that's going to be redeemed in his personal relationships.

Ah Belle, as Arkengarthdale has said the scales are falling from your eyes and everything is coming into focus for you now. You only dared look at his bigotry before, but now, you can see that he is a controlling arsehole, controlling you by withdrawing affection so that you won't question him. Strip clubs? Drugs? Whoah!

And this quote from your post -

"He has a terrible relationship with his ex. I’ve believed him that she’s been awful to him- she was/is an alcoholic (no longer drinks but as far as I know didn’t complete all her steps) and apparently abusive to him, but have begun to doubt how much she has had to put up with to drive her to being so unhinged."
Badmouthing the ex is always a red flag. I'd wonder too about whether his behaviour drove her to drink. And also whether she was unhinged, or whether him spreading that lie was just his way of covering his tracks .

Sorry, but I think you'd have a far better life without him.

I'm sure it can't be avoided but it looks like posters have powerfully influenced a poster who is vulnerable and therefore easily swayed.

I'm sorry to talk about you like that op but I do think you are vulnerable and I do think you are being unduly influenced by the strong opinions of the posters on your thread.

DO find someone in real life, a professional?, you can talk this through with. You have a lot to weigh up at the moment and imo you need good, solid rl unbiased support NOT a bunch of posters on an Internet forum.

I have many times seen for myself how the power of MN can be for the good but in this instance I don't think it is - I think you are being hectored and brow beaten by others agendas.

Do please find rl support asap op

OP, I have been reading your thread today and a lot of what you say resonates with my experiences, as it obviously has with other posters too. But just in case we are projecting (in order that you may be saved from him) please go and do the online Freedom Programme course run by Women's Aid. It's only ten pounds and it may really help you.
I would also recommend the following books, available on Amazon Kindle: Why Does He Do That and Should I leave or Should I Stay? both by Lundy Bancroft. These resources (and MN) saved me from another 20 years with the same sort of man that your partner appears to be. I wish I had got out when pg with my first.
good luck to you OP and do stay here for support

I''m sorry to read your updates.

I remember the time my ex really pushed the boundaries. I was about 4 months pregnant, IVF, his family were visiting and he had been picking for a fight all day. It exploded as we were cooking dinner. I knew before that he was bad tempered, stressed, I walked on eggshells, couldnt express a view, etc. But this was the boundary. His family did nothing.

My child is now a teenager. My ex has fought me bitterly through court for years. He is a higher tax payer earning money that most on here would find obscene. Yet he refuses to pay child maintenance and even has fought for 50:50 shared care so he doesnt have to pay a penny. Yup - a can pay wont pay supported by the Family courts.

I've done the Freedom Programme. But let me tell you it is no fucking good at all, me, you and everyone else on here knowing what an abuser looks like if the family courts and society will not deal with the problem. I knew more than the facilitators did.

I really wish you luck for your future because you are going to need every piece of luck you have. For those on here criticising posters for encouraging this OP to walk away with no ties to an abuser you have no idea what hell that tie looks like.

If you can do snoop and look at the phone. It is a red flag.

Oh this really isn’t good .
You are neither weak nor stupid to expect decent behaviour from someone who claims to love you. Unfortunately, it looks like this horrible man is incapable of that.

He is not kind. I think you need to put any decisions about your pregnancy to one side and concentrate on getting out of this relationship as quickly and smoothly as possible.

Then you can take the time to decide whats best to you in peace.

Best for you.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme in person as it is much more powerful than doing it alone online, as good as that is. Have a look here to find a course near you.

As my previous post suggests, I think you need some real life input asap. Xx

Bit late to this thread, but hope you're okay OP. You're in a better place now for knowing what he's like, believe it or not xx

Hi all.

Thanks so much again for all the lovely words and advice. I’m touched. And considering everything that’s being said.

As expected the next morning when he woke up (I had been awake all night crying and contemplating what the hell to do) he was ready to have a cuddle and make up. He text me from the other room but I pretended not to see it and just left the house. He later text me, absolving himself of any blame, how he can only apologise about our ‘differing global views’ which sounded very sarcastic and totally NOT MY POINT! And how he only said those things because he was angry and upset and trying to hurt my feelings. He says that a lot after arguments as though it’s a good enough excuse and I should therefore forget all about it. If I don’t, I’m being unreasonable. I’ve told him before many times that I don’t think he should ever ‘try to hurt my feelings’ whether he’s angry or not, and that his words really do hurt me, I can’t forget it and I get really upset and depressed because of it. But he keeps doing it anyway. I really do try to explain to him how I feel so he understands but it doesn’t seem to work and I just feel irritating for going on.

Anyway regarding the recent argument, we talked when he got home but he ignored what I said about it being a wider issue and kept going back to how arguing about irrelevant global issues shouldn’t be important, we should accept each other’s differing points of view. I’ve said so much this isn’t the real issue, it’s the way he argues with me if I disagree on something, how he attacked me verbally, threatened me with leaving me, ignoring my real reasons for being upset which I tried to explain and conveniently kept making it about the bloody gender pay gap or whatever else and then ignored me crying all night. I said this wanting him to understand and it felt like it fell on deaf ears. He didn’t apologise or anything. Just kind of changed the subject, talked about ordering me some food to make me feel better, gave me a hug and got me some pills for a headache... I felt bad for going on about it. He makes me feel like he’s having to be sooo patient with me.

I feel like I’m so annoying and daren’t tell him how I really feel because I’ll just be carrying on and nagging. He said today that I feel distant and he doesn’t understand why. I don’t want to explain it all over again, what’s the point.

I have my first midwife appt tomorrow, think it’s mainly admin but might bring up my worries briefly and see what she says.

Xxx

Reading this back I’m wondering if I actually am the most annoying person and he’s totally eighty to be exhasperated- going on and on about how I feel! Must be boring to listen to but I promise I’m not doing this all the time and it’s literally only a few minutes that I spend trying to explain myself...

Eighty?! I meant ‘right’

Yes to telling the midwife.

You need to stop telling him how you feel. He doesn’t care. He believes he is entitled to behave the way he does. It only gives him even more ammunition to hurt you.

(You wouldn’t ‘go on’ about how you felt if he wasn’t so totally dismissive and uncaring)

Oh sweetheart, he's gas-lighting you. Your feeling are VALID.

Please, please do as I suggested upthread and have a real hard think about your relationship as a whole. Don't allow him to make you micro-focus on one or two incidents that he turns around on you and makes you feel as if you are in the wrong. You are NOT in the wrong.

I met my abusive x at a very low point in my life too belle
Had just been dumped by a man who dumped me with a spurious character assassination and he continued to socialise with my friends, even wanting to come over the the house share I was in when I wasn't in. I was DESTROYED by it, and enter stage left .............. the abusive ''rescuer''. :-(

do bring it up with the midwife. I wished I had.

My ex did that - our final argument was about him dumping his son on me yet again, obviously after a huge back story, and my problem was the lack of respect from him to keep doing it without discussing the logistics with me. He told everyone we split up because I didn't want his son in the house.
He even tried to 'win me back' (I assume that is what it was) by emailing me and saying that if I could accept his son could be there whenever he wanted then we might have a chance, if not, we're done.
I never bothered to reply. I never ever said I didn't accept that in the first place.
I just hated the lack of respect, his disbelief about how his son played up when he wasn't there, the fact my job was apparently less important than his, the lack of communication, the fact his ex wife had more control over my home environment than I did and the demands of sex to 'make up'.

But, yes, he always boiled the argument down to some minute point that would obviously make me seem incredibly unreasonable and ignore the real issue I was trying to address.

OP, I’m not an expert or full of advice about what you should or shouldn’t do. What I will say is that you are in a relationship that makes you feel sad and uncomfortable. Your partner lies to you about his whereabouts. He doesn’t seem to have empathy with you or for your feelings. He seems to be unmoved when he upsets you, fails to apologise when he can see he has upset you. He isn’t kind to you.

Is this what you want your life to be?