Dealing with BIGOTED opinions of bf 🙄

[Belle356]

Hi everyone

I’m really struggling with something and I would love some advice if anyone has a moment...

I’m two months pregnant with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We live together and he has an 8 year old son from his previous marriage who we see every Wednesday and every other weekend.

Now that I’m pregnant I’m so keen to move on and focus on a happy life together and make our family work. However, my boyfriend keeps dropping bombs that i simply can’t ignore. Some examples: Once in an big argument he was totally racist about my Jewish ex-husband. He never apologised or tried to take it back.
Earlier today he commented on a lady on the tv’s clothes, saying she shouldn’t wear that dress as it made her ‘Tits look saggy’ (literally didn’t though) and her boyfriend should have told her not to wear it as she looked pregnant. 😡
Just now, while sitting down to do his sons homework, he said it didn’t matter if he did what was instructed or not. I argued that it might be a better idea to encourage him to follow the instructions his teachers set and do it properly and he stroppily said ‘No, he should do it how I said, it’s more important to be fun...’ I said we could make it fun and do it properly, but he got annoyed and said that it didn’t matter what the teachers thought- they were stupid and that’s why they’re only teachers. I mean what the hell kind of attitude is that!!

These fundamental differences in opinions worries me that I just shouldn’t be with him. My mum was a teacher and I’m deeply offended by the things he says. He has lots of redeeming features of course, but if his views are so bigoted, how can I get past them? I can’t dictate what he says around his own son, but I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude. He thinks the gender pay gap is justified too and doesn’t listen to my opposing view and just says I don’t understand business. So frustrating, what can I do?! Any advice on how to approach the subject?

Thank you!

Do you want to stay with him? He sounds draning

I wouldn't necessarily trust a teachers view.A large section have gone from school to University and back to school.

Ok Belle, deep breath.
Your DP has inherited some shitty political views.
His behaviour towards you, apart from this, is kind and affectionate.
He has a son he seems to have a good relationship with.

You’re 8weeks pregnant with your first child.

Taking all those things into account. I’d say you do need to talk to him about his nasty comments and how unacceptable they are but in a calm context - you’d be much better calling them out as they happen, rather than having an existential discussion about Trump/Weinstein etc just before bedtime.

How is his relationship with his ex/ his behaviour towards his son (apart from muttering about a teacher he’s had issues with)?

You also say he made his anti Semitic comment after you’d teased him about your ex.
Still not good but there was some provocation.

If this man is otherwise a good person, (his relationship with his son’s mother is a dead giveaway) then persevere with explaining why some of his attitudes are disgraceful.

Look long, hard and honestly though.

DH used to make some off colour jokes when we were friends (in our teens/early twenties) but never anything designed to wound or belittle.
He came from a very white privileged background and it was all ignorance and no malice.
Keep your inheritance separate and don’t buy a house together until you’re sure.

God, you poor thing. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. This is such a terrible situation.

Unfortunately when you call someone on their racism or bigotry, it tends to make them really angry. So when he acts cruel, like he is tonight, you have to keep remembering his anger is not your fault. He is angry because realizing he a racist/bigot makes him feel bad. As it should! Your partner should feel really bad about the fact he is a misogynistic, bigoted, antisemite!

Try to remember, as the next couple of weeks and months get rough and he tells you it's all your fault for being so mean to him, that it's not your fault you are breaking up. He believes and says really bigoted things, and the consequences of that are that decent people will not want to be associated with him. He is angry right now because he doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences he himself has created.

And you can't take that feeling away from him or make him feel better about himself, now that you've realized he's a bigot, and told him that you know -- and to be honest, you shouldn't make him feel better. It should hurt, to be a racist.

But the problem for you is that he's going to respond by getting really angry, and he'll blame you (for pointing out that you've noticed he is a bigot) before he blames himself (for being one). He's going to put a lot more energy into trying to prove that he's right and you are wrong, just like he's already doing. These are not discussions you can win, ever, no matter how reasonable you are or how much evidence you provide. He will argue until he is red in the face, try to change the subject, bring up counter arguments, bring up every single tiny example he can think of when you said something yourself -- and as he does this, he'll be doing everything he possibly can to convince himself. Anything other than face up to the shame he is probably feeling right now, realizing that the woman he loves knows what he is.

You could read him an entire library of books, plot it out in easy-to-read diagrams, make him a damn powerpoint and he still wouldn't concede that you might be right, he would still try to convince you you're the one who has it wrong (which you're not, btw). Because this is not about whether or not a particular word he used on a specific occasion, it's about him not wanting to admit to himself that he is not a nice person.

Seriously-what are you getting from this relationship? It sounds like hell

I think you need to take a deep breath. Then sit quietly and think about your relationship in its totality and decide if you want to stay.

It seems to me that you do a lot of 'eggshell walking' and 'trying to understand him'. That you avoid conflict because you don't want to provoke a reaction from him. That is NOT a peaceful relationship. It's a one-sided one. I was in such a relationship. I would have insisted that it was 'good', that we 'never argued'. Sure we didn't, because I never said anything to disagree with him! And I made excuses in my head for his shitty behaviour. He was 'tired'. He 'misunderstood' something. He was 'passionate' about his beliefs. No, he was an arsehole. And I kept my opinions to myself because of it.

The day I kicked him out remains one of the best days of my life.

Oh, and the reason he's blowing up as he is is because you have finally challenged him about something and he doesn't know how to deal with it. It'll only go downhill from here.

Sweetie, if you stay, this is how the rest of your life will be. Weeping in the spare room whilst he seethes self righteously next door.
I know men like this, they're lovely to their partner until that partner starts to voice their own opinion, then WHOOSH, cue hysterics from the bloke so used to you knowing your place and him knowing he's right and how very dare you express a contrary point of view?
He will ALLWAYS want the last word. This is who he is. He will not change.
Think long and hard. Is this what you want for you and your child for the rest of your lives?
Best of luck with whatever you decide. Keep posting here, there's such a wealth of sense and knowledge in the M'sNet community.

Thank you again for the advice- so so grateful! Overwhelmed that people are taking so much time and consideration to reply to my ramblings!

@EllaEllaE this is spot on, I will read and re-read your comment. I can’t make him see my point or change his attitude no matter how reasonable I try to be and the realisation that he will just blame me is horrible. And something I know deep down.

@SleightOfMind, full disclosure, I’ve said he is kind and affectionate, which he can be...but he takes this away at the slightest sign of trouble and can be mean, cruel and plain nasty. He then returns with the affection when he’s ready- or when I’ve threatened to leave him, with grovelling apologies, huge flowers, gifts, saying I was totally right and he was horrible. But he does it again and again. We have had a very rocky relationship and I keep wiping the slate clean and moving on.

He has a terrible relationship with his ex. I’ve believed him that she’s been awful to him- she was/is an alcoholic (no longer drinks but as far as I know didn’t complete all her steps) and apparently abusive to him, but have begun to doubt how much she has had to put up with to drive her to being so unhinged. She put up a really big fight when it came to custody of his son, and while I don’t doubt his sons safety and that he adores his dad and vice versa, they have a lovely relationship and he’s a doting father, I’ve began to question her motives- rather than it being totally vindictive and awful, trying to punish him by taking away his child, maybe she had some valid points...I don’t know.

Re: the racist comment, he came out with it while very drunk. And I compared him to my ex, not teased him. Saying that he (my ex) had never made me feel as low as he does. Provocative I know, but again a vain attempt to make him realise how serious I am about his behaviour and how it’s affecting me... He had been going out a lot. Not telling me where he was or when he was coming home, ignoring miltiple calls at 3 am and it turns out (after some investigation by me) that he was lying about being with clients when he was actually up to no good. (Not cheating, but strip clubs, drugs) He denied and denied it until all my evidence was so clear he couldn’t. Then he blamed me for not bringing it up sooner, why had I let him carry on if I knew something was up. Truth is I wasn’t sure what was happening, just that he didn’t come home and didn’t answer my calls. Eventually I looked on find my iPhone. He kept ending up in a certain area and the next day saying he’d been somewhere else. It happened about 5 times in a couple of weeks and when I told him I knew he’d been going to this place, he said I should had told him when I first saw. Turns out it was a dodgy strip club where a blind eye is turned to drugs.

But in between all of this, he acts so perfectly, does so much to try to prove he is sorry and is generally lovely. Until it happens again. I thought the pregnancy (please- I know I sound like an idiot for letting this happen, I truly have believed him for some reason when he’s back to being nice and so desperately wanted it to be true) was a big turning point and he would see the light, change his ways, try hard and work on being a better partner but tonight making me cry and being so mean, I doubt it. It’s his face when he talks to me. Like utter disgust and exasperation with me.

@AcrossthePond55. Sounding all too familiar. Thank you x

@maras2 thank you so much for this x

So grateful for all the contributions.

Feeling so stupid, I’ve known all along and believed so much that things would change, that he is good at heart, that I’ve actually got pregnant. I can’t believe I’m this person.

Hi belle, I'm up with a virus if you need a handhold. Your DP sounds awful

Oh op your partner is awful I'm so sorry

Thank you everyone 🙂
So so nice of you. Can’t tell you how lovely it feels to recieve messages from strangers, people are wonderful.

@DuruttiColumnist- so sorry you’re ill. Thank you for being so supportive. I just found the perfect thing to watch on Netflix to calm me down...maybe sleep. Anyone know Bob Ross? Can make anyone calm! 🎨

Poor you. The scales are really falling from your eyes with a resounding clatter, aren't they? Please don't beat yourself up for colluding in a bad relationship. It's not weak and stupid to want to believe in someone. However, know you know who and what he is, you have some decisions to make. Do you want to be treated like a second-class citizen all your life?

I'm so sorry to hear of your poor self esteem, but it will not improve around this man. At least you do have, or soon will have, financial independence which will go a long way to helping you set up away from him without the worry of penury of of disentangling joint finances.

You are actually in a much stronger position than you possibly realise, and you know you're a good person by being upset and concerned by his bigotry.

All power to your elbow, go you

OP - this sounds hard but actually you are in a better place already because you are actually seeing the reality of your relationship which . this takes great courage and is very painful. You are brave.

It sounds like he has a 'good' side [where he is doing everything he can to get you back in the box he likes to keep you [being non confrontational and going along with him] and a not so good side [which is his true character and can only be sustained for a short while.

Because you are co-dependant you want to 'save' him because if you can save him that means you are worthy and lovable.

You already are worthy and lovable - just as you are. Without doing anything. Even when you are just sitting in the spare room on your own. Wherever you are - you are worthy of love.

There's an interesting read about the way a co-dependant will always attract an emotional manipulator called The Human Magnet Syndrome. It really opened my eyes and set me free.

It might help to consider finding more support from Al-anon perhaps - maybe just check out their websites - no need to do anything other than that - to give you more insight to help you make the best decisions for you.

Latecomer to the thread but just wanted to add my support. You are doing brilliantly OP. Well done.

This man is not a keeper and it's really good that you have found out before your baby is born. Obviously yes you wish you had found out sooner before getting pg but better late than never.

His attitude to all the issues you disagree in is obviously misogynistic - he tries to placate and divert you rather than actually considering the possibility that you might be right. Smoothing things over would be a mistake - his nasty side will well up again sooner or later.

Keep strong. You can get free of this and you will be fine.

Oh my goodness belle, I can’t believe you feel it is you who is being pathetic!

He sounds frighteningly like my most recent ex. We never lived together but had the same thing of him feeling he was beyond criticism, he was entitled to do whatever he wanted; pursue OW, ‘forget’ to speak to me for two weeks, make dates and repeatedly stand me up, expect I would take time off from my voluntary work - I did one day a week, to make up for when his ‘incredibly important’ voluntary work - 7 days a week, meant we hadn’t seen each other - he even used to come and sit in my office and pester me to leave, if I had a different opinion than him about something he would take it as an insult to his essential humanity and fly into a rage etc etc.

He also did the love bombing thing whenever he knew I was upset after raging at me which was just another way of stifling me as it was things like turning up at my house unannounced when I had blocked him and dumped him, pressuring me to get back with him by promising the Earth then crying about how awful he felt and expecting comfort from me.

I tried various things - for a while I tried really hard to never have an opinion about anything, I tried to pander to his ego, accept him how he was, do everything his way, give him the sex he wanted, never challenge him, make him feel better about himself, give him money, clean his house, never get upset about anything selfish or thoughtless he did and I began to feel like I didn’t exist. His rages never stopped, he would often be goady and/or paranoid.

When I started to speak up for myself he became increasingly abusive (started escalating to physical abuse) and kept angrily saying that he didn’t understand why I had ‘changed’ when before ‘we’ were happy(!)

Eventually I was so terrified of him I was hiding in my house when my DC weren’t there in case he turned up and that’s when I went to the police.

Wow - he really doesn't like being challenged, does he ?

As across says, all will be lovely, calm, loving - so long as you STFU and do as you are told, and put up with his moods/views/ways. Drugs? Strip clubs? And you are supposed to put up with that? If the bigotted views weren't enough?

I would disagree with him whether pregnant or not, just felt very derogatory - your pregnancy has brought it into focus. He will treat your daughter the same as he treats you, with probably a bit more possessiveness that he can pass off as 'fatherly love'. Your son will be shown how to swear, be disrespectful to authority/women/other people - I'm surprised his son hasn't been subjected to his bigotted views. Or has he?

In your shoes I would leave. I wouldn't want to be tied to this man, contracted to meet him EOW for handovers, beg for child money, try to unpick the damage he does EOW for 20years...but I know that is your decision. Just be aware that there is support out there.

Men don't step up when their girlfriends become pregnant, they just don't. He's an abusive arsehole who treats you like dirt. And he will continue to be an abusive arsehole who treats you like dirt whether or not you're pregnant.

You really want to have a baby with a man who is out all night, pissing all the family money up the wall on drugs and in strip clubs?

You can't change him - and he has zero motivation to change. Why would he? He treats you like shit and you still come back for more.

Get out, get on the Freedom Programme.

Jesus - that's one hell of a disclosure.

Please seriously think about having this child with him. Abusers aren't awful all the time - if they were no one would stay any time at all with them.

In a supportive and loving relationship there should never be the treatment you describe.

I'll give you a little scenario from my relationship: I recently got into some money trouble - built up about £15k of debt helping a desperate family member. They were supposed to pay it back but suddenly couldn't. I didn't tell him for months, serviced the debt myself and got more and more anxious whilst pregnant. I realised I had to tell him so I waited until our son was away, sat down and told him everything. He was really angry and upset. He didn't shout once. Didn't call me a single name. He comforted me and said he understood how I got into the mess and said that it was 'our' debt and suggested extending our mortgage to pay it off together. He's not held it against me, mentioned it since or tried to punish me. I always knew my DH was decent but that really showed me what kind of person he is.

When was the last time you REALLY respected your partner? The last time he showed you how decent he is? I'll bet he never has.

Baby or not, please don't stay with him. You are so fragile and he's eroding any sense of self-worth you have. Find some strength - you deserve a happy life and you won't have it with him.

I think it’s quite nasty to shame women about abortion choices, which is essentially what some of these shocked ‘I would never...’ comments do even if they don’t apply to OP.

Totally agree with this.

Not wanting to be tied to a man like him is a good enough reason.

He will pass his views onto your child. Thinking teachers are stupid. How narrow minded and idiotic of him.

So even when he goes to strip clubs and for a drugs... he finds a way to blame you!

He's not sounding like good father or relationship material and you can see that if you have your baby and split later... he'll still be able to influence your child... as he's doing to his son by saying to ignore the teacher's instructions.

This is so like my ex - I was not allowed to have feelings, not allowed to be upset (he even used to say 'that wouldn't upset me so it shouldn't upset you') nor have opinions - he loved to talk about politics but he wanted a debate that ended with him being right and having shown me 'the light'. But it didn't work, he was quite bigoted (joined UKIP!) and I am left wing, he ended most arguments by saying "you only vote Labour cos your dad did". He thought this was the best ever put down to a socialist - but it didn't work for me on two levels, 1) I was abused by my father so it was massively insensitive, and 2) I haven't only ever voted Labour anyway.

But, same sorts of reactions from him when I disagreed - I was being ridiculous, he was only expressing an opinion etc etc. I'm sad to say his son, who was 9 when we met and is now 17, started to express similarly nasty and racist views and I found I could not live with it any longer.
He also had a back story that put down his son's DM and his most recent ex. I also now wonder what, if any, of that was true!