Dealing with BIGOTED opinions of bf 🙄

[Belle356]

Hi everyone

I’m really struggling with something and I would love some advice if anyone has a moment...

I’m two months pregnant with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We live together and he has an 8 year old son from his previous marriage who we see every Wednesday and every other weekend.

Now that I’m pregnant I’m so keen to move on and focus on a happy life together and make our family work. However, my boyfriend keeps dropping bombs that i simply can’t ignore. Some examples: Once in an big argument he was totally racist about my Jewish ex-husband. He never apologised or tried to take it back.
Earlier today he commented on a lady on the tv’s clothes, saying she shouldn’t wear that dress as it made her ‘Tits look saggy’ (literally didn’t though) and her boyfriend should have told her not to wear it as she looked pregnant. 😡
Just now, while sitting down to do his sons homework, he said it didn’t matter if he did what was instructed or not. I argued that it might be a better idea to encourage him to follow the instructions his teachers set and do it properly and he stroppily said ‘No, he should do it how I said, it’s more important to be fun...’ I said we could make it fun and do it properly, but he got annoyed and said that it didn’t matter what the teachers thought- they were stupid and that’s why they’re only teachers. I mean what the hell kind of attitude is that!!

These fundamental differences in opinions worries me that I just shouldn’t be with him. My mum was a teacher and I’m deeply offended by the things he says. He has lots of redeeming features of course, but if his views are so bigoted, how can I get past them? I can’t dictate what he says around his own son, but I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude. He thinks the gender pay gap is justified too and doesn’t listen to my opposing view and just says I don’t understand business. So frustrating, what can I do?! Any advice on how to approach the subject?

Thank you!

Because, not random letters!

@Afternooncatnap if you don’t find any of his comments that bad, then congratulations, you’re most likely a bigot as well. 🤷‍♀️ Also, one who falsely judges women for having abortions.

My ex seemed fine until after I got pregnant. Slowly more of the shit started seeping out.

I don't know your situation. But I would think hard about whether you'd want a daughter growing up with him as a role model.

I'm pro-choice but I think it is in very poor taste to tell a pregnant woman who hasn't even brought up the subject to have an abortion.

As for the people who criticise people for making bad decisions, congratulations on your perfect lives. I was like that once, but then I ended up in an abusive relationship and learnt a bit more about life and its twists and turns.

Of course there’s more to him then his malicious bigotry but it does say a hell of a lot about him and you for that matter. Have you heard about the saying ‘judging someone by the company they keep’? You may not agree with his comments but being in a relationship with someone so willing to broadcast their stupidity, does make you wonder about your values.

Your inability to rebut his malicious bigotry isn’t the problem, it’s the fact that he’s a malicious bigot thats the problem but you’ve obviously prepared to overlook that in order play happy families.

You know deep down that his unpleasant opinions does say something about his character and that all the clever retorts in the world can’t change that. I mean come on woman, his justification for his stupid bullshit could be appplied to anybody; ‘I’ve met some not great disabled/black/refugees which therefore entitles me to talk shit about the entire population’.

The question isn’t ‘why is he a bigot’? It’s ‘why isn’t his bigotry a dealbreaker’?

Racist, sexist and also directly having a dig at you (how you look when pregnant hence the comment re woman on TV), disparaging teachers (& therefore your DM) and your exH (racist comments knowing your ex is Jewish).

I'd say he will become more unpleasant and you'll get fed up of it so split up later down the line. He thinks he's got you where he wants you, now that you're pregnant.

I'd be embarrassed to be with an uncouth man such as him. You sound far, far more intelligent and grounded than he is.

For now all I can think is tell him to keep his views entirely to himself, that you don't appreciate racism and sexism and you won't engage with it.

Apart from anything else I can't get past the fact that he thinks the gender pay gap is justified.

What a fucking prince.

Isetan exactly. Why is it not a deal breaker?

Of course he thinks the gender pay gap is justified! I'd be gobsmacked if he thought it wasn't!

Women are beneath men, of course. Only fit to decorate the world (how they look) and to do the jobs he doesn't want to do. Like teaching. If he thinks it so easy, why doesn't he home-ed his son? Or retrain as a teacher? Because it's beneath him.

Jews? Beneath him.
Have you got on to Blacks or disabled yet OP?

Maybe introduce him to a jewish black disabled gay female teacher, in the hope that he implodes.

I'm pro choice and not judging anyone for having an abortion. I'm judging people telling op to kill her unborn baby because her partner is a bit of a cock.

So, to defend myself at all the disbelief and questioning my character about why on earth I haven’t already left and his comments weren’t an immediate deal breaker... here is a bit of context.
I had a nervous breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in a psychiatric hospital as an in-patient for a month with my treatment on going. I had severe anxiety, depression and stress and lost my husband in the process. It was the worst time of my life and this man basically saved me. In my fragile state I put all my trust into this relationship and don’t have any other options. My low self esteem and abandonment issues are very severe, even though I act pretty normally on the surface, it’s all going on inside my head. I’m scared to bring up his comments not only because I don’t want to upset him (I know, I know) but because it might open a can of worms that I just don’t know how I’ll deal with. I don’t have anywhere else to go, realistically, and I desperately don’t want to have to go anywhere and leave my home. I went to boarding school at a really young age and because of this I have a lot of insecurities about having a place to call ‘home’. Embarrassingly, an independent woman I am not at the moment- more like co-dependant! I’m Working on all of my own issues but find myself in this situation and the majority here have suggested an abortion and leaving, which would be a viable option for many, but it just won’t work for me.

Also, the racist comment he made was when he was extremely drunk and defensive as I provoked the reaction by comparing him to my ex, (Not an excuse) but I hoped that he said it in anger and drunken stupidity, not thinking clearly.

I’m expecting comments about how I’m making a lot of excuses now... sorry!!

No, not excuses but it does explain a lot.

Poor you

However, what you have described adds weight to him being an abuser TBH.

You were extremely vulnerable when you met him.

He ‘rescued’ you.

You are dependent on him as a result.

Now you are pregnant he has started sniping and undermining your self worth.

You are afraid to assert yourself.

This; In my fragile state I put all my trust into this relationship and don’t have any other options. is not a fixed and enduring state of being.

It is true that you don’t ‘have to’ stay with him, you do have other choices, what you describe is that you have significant barriers to being able to act on making those choices right now.

@Offred thank you so much for your kind comments. Annoyingly I do KNOW all of this, especially after all the therapy I’ve had, but find it hard to apply it to me- I’m sure I’d be giving the same advice if it was someone else... much appreciated for being so understanding and will take it on board xx

Yes, my now-ex didn't unveil all his bigotry until after we had bought a house together.

Your whole situation sounds worrying, I hope you can find a way to be less dependent on this guy.

I think perhaps you need to be prioritising your well-being really rather than trying to work him out and get through to him.

What he is doing ATM (though it may escalate if he is abusive) is objectively fairly minor, the harm it can do is by dragging your already low self esteem lower and preparing the ground for escalation to more seriously harmful behaviour if he is inclined that way.

Working on emotionally detaching from him is one way of helping yourself gain strength and preventing his behaviour from knocking you down.

It won’t stop him escalating if he is abusive because he’ll just keep pushing until you crack but it may give you some time to get strong enough, and to have that ‘lightbulb’ moment when you just think ‘no, I don’t need you’.

Also; ring fence your inheritance, do not agree to marry him and don’t buy a house with him.

It would not be wise to get deeper entangled given the circs.

Op I would ignore the posters on this site, I think they are making a mountain out of a molehill.
I refuse to believe none of the posters on here have criticised a celeb's sartorial tastes, and it is a huge leap to think it was somehow directed at you because you are a few weeks pg.
the homework thing was between him and his child, you should not really have got involved.I think it is excellent that he is involved in the boy's hw at all.
The Jewish remark is less easy to overlook, but people say things in the heat of an argument that they don't mean and particularly if he was a bit drunk.
No one is perfect and if he is a good husband and father and you love him, that is the main thing.He doesn't have to have the same thoughts and beliefs as you!!
I think racism opervades any class- look at Prince Philip!

‘I would ignore the posters on here’ said a poster, on here...

Belle, the things you've said about what is and isn't a "viable option" - do you mean that this is not what you want to do?

Or do you mean that it is what you'd like to do, or what you think you should be doing, but you're not able to?

It sounds as if you're in a catch-22. You say your low self esteem and issues about having somewhere to call home will stop you from leaving him, but if you stay with him then your self-esteem will likely decline even further, and the place that you have as a home will not be a comfortable or pleasant home.

Look at Prince Philip? For class?

He is the rudest, crassest being in the royal family - and that is saying a lot. People say 'Oh Prince Philip, God love 'im!' but he is just rude. If he was anybody else, he'd have had his nose broken a few times, that's for sure. A measure of 'class' he is not.

And as for I think it is excellent that he is involved in the boy's hw at all. - well, what a high bar this poster has in her children's father.

Op - please look into distancing yourself from your P. He does show signs of being an abuser-in-waiting.

For you OP

The fact that people are taking time to weigh in on this, whether it resonates totally or not (most do though) is just so nice and I didn’t expect anywhere near the response that I’ve received. Especially to the people being so very kind and thoughtful to me- thank you. As hard as it is to accept, they are making me feel stronger in my convictions.

I attempted to talk to him this evening, after considering carefully what to say all day- certain that I wasn’t going to say anything emotional and flippant or mean and make sure that everything I said, I believed. I was calm and measured, I listened to him and didn’t dismiss his views, I had a good rebuttal for a lot of his answers. Instead of acknowledging my point of view in the slightest (like I did for him, despite disagreeing) he said he felt that I go on at him all the time, even though I only brought this up after what he said yesterday, didn’t understand why we couldn’t Agree to disagree, said it was all because I was pregnant and emotional that I’m overreacting. I had to take a deep breath here and decided I was fighting a losing battle- it’s not because of that. I would disagree with him whether pregnant or not, just felt very derogatory... and finally that he may as well just start looking for flats on his own. I said I thought that was a really immature attitude to take, seeing as I’m trying my best to talk through this with him and it feels to me that he’s just trying to blackmail me, and reminded him that I’m pregnant, for goodness sake. Does this mean he’s leaving me for disagreeing with him and trying to stand up for my beliefs? All in a calm way, not getting upset. He just coldly said that it seemed we have a problem then. I’ve just gone quietly to sleep in the spare room with my dog- a much nicer companion!

I know deep down that I have to leave, but that is very sad and hard to accept. Reading your poem @psycedellicsheep is just what I need right now, and @Offred, thank you for putting in so much time to offer advice. Thank you everyone.

@PsychedelicSheep I meant! apologies for spelling 🤭

I brought up my daughter in the fog of my ex’s narcissism and bigotry. I left when she was two, went back five years later and left again 10 years later. She is a beautiful, well balanced, young woman now with none of his attitudes. So I certainly wouldn’t be suggesting abortion just because he is what he is.

My only regret is that I went back at all, as his agree to disagree attitude simply silenced me. His opinions were the only ones that mattered and by the time I left I barely knew what my own opinions were. I hope you don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Not sure why I’m telling ‘you’ this... just to vent I suppose. Sorry if it’s irrelevant and long/boring. Obviously you don’t have to read!

I could see he was still awake as the light from his phone was making the room bright so I went in to get my clothes for work in the morning, but also as an excuse to try to clear the air as I hate the bad atmosphere. He immediately said he thought it was ridiculous that I was sleeping in the other room. I said I wasn’t sure why he thought I should react any differently seeing as he said he was going to start looking for flats on his own. He said he thought it was pathetic that I was bringing up ridiculous topics like the gender pay gap and Latino wages in America. I said that I was using these topics to try to highlight how his opinions make me feel and the fact that he is calling me ridiculous and pathetic is exactly the type of thing that he doesn’t realise is so demeaning and worrying to me. Why is my opinion or reaction to this pathetic? He said ‘I wasn’t calling You pathetic. I was saying IT was pathetic- there’s a big difference’ he said if I cared so much and I was such a good person why don’t I just move to America and do some good over there (Trump has been an example I’ve tried to use to highlight my point- he said something about how Trump did something amazing for the economy in one way or another earlier and I said I understood that he may have done some good in some ways (that was hard to say!) but thought the issue was more about basic human rights and how minorities and vulnerable people are being treated, and his opinions and comments about women, among others, is so deplorable not about his way with money)
He started shouting that I should just leave him if he’s so terrible and I’m so amazing, I should fuck off to America and do some actual fucking good. He said he refused to discuss it any further with me and that he, unlike me, didn’t want to constantly argue. He hadn’t taken his eyes off his phone to look at me the entire time. I pointed this out and I started to cry and said that I didn’t want to argue, that I was trying so hard to be diplomatic and that he has called me pathetic, ridiculous, been sarcastic, told me to move countries and to leave him... how can he not see that he might be being unreasonable? I told him he was upsetting me and he just said ‘oh I’m the worst person in the world- just fucking leave me!’ He said I’ve been a nightmare for the past three weeks (which I’m confused about because since finding out we were pregnant things have on the surface been really good- no arguments at all so I have no idea what he’s referring to...) And walked out of the room. I started to follow him, crying and asking to please just talk to me and he turned and shouted that he couldn’t even go to the fucking toilet on his own and slammed the door. I went back to the spare room and he stormed back to ours. I’ve been crying ever since and can’t seem to stop. I feel pathetic!

He’s so defensive and seems to have no thought for how he might be making me feel. When I’ve tried to worry about him and be considerate and tip toe around the topic. I’m annoyed with myself for trying to see his point of view- which I do! Obviously this isn’t about Trump or the gender pay gap, but about how he reacts to my opinions on subjects that he thinks I am wrong about. He just doesn’t see things like me and he’s selfish but that makes him feel sorry for himself instead of trying to be empathetic. I can’t do anything to salvage this can I? I know (by experience) he’ll be full of apologies tomorrow, but what about the pregnant girlfriend crying on her own next door. My feeling are hurt that he can sleep and not realise or not care how much his words hurt me.