Dealing with BIGOTED opinions of bf 🙄

[Belle356]

Hi everyone

I’m really struggling with something and I would love some advice if anyone has a moment...

I’m two months pregnant with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We live together and he has an 8 year old son from his previous marriage who we see every Wednesday and every other weekend.

Now that I’m pregnant I’m so keen to move on and focus on a happy life together and make our family work. However, my boyfriend keeps dropping bombs that i simply can’t ignore. Some examples: Once in an big argument he was totally racist about my Jewish ex-husband. He never apologised or tried to take it back.
Earlier today he commented on a lady on the tv’s clothes, saying she shouldn’t wear that dress as it made her ‘Tits look saggy’ (literally didn’t though) and her boyfriend should have told her not to wear it as she looked pregnant. 😡
Just now, while sitting down to do his sons homework, he said it didn’t matter if he did what was instructed or not. I argued that it might be a better idea to encourage him to follow the instructions his teachers set and do it properly and he stroppily said ‘No, he should do it how I said, it’s more important to be fun...’ I said we could make it fun and do it properly, but he got annoyed and said that it didn’t matter what the teachers thought- they were stupid and that’s why they’re only teachers. I mean what the hell kind of attitude is that!!

These fundamental differences in opinions worries me that I just shouldn’t be with him. My mum was a teacher and I’m deeply offended by the things he says. He has lots of redeeming features of course, but if his views are so bigoted, how can I get past them? I can’t dictate what he says around his own son, but I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude. He thinks the gender pay gap is justified too and doesn’t listen to my opposing view and just says I don’t understand business. So frustrating, what can I do?! Any advice on how to approach the subject?

Thank you!

please get rid of him OP. anyone who thinks men should tell their girlfriend/wife what to wear is a shitbag.

Honestly? One or two posters have said that if you have a child with this man you will be tied to him for 18 years and your child will be exposed to those views. So I would think long and hard about that now whilst you still have options. He sounds vile.

Likewise hide that inheritance very well from him.

He sounds abusive - tiptop nailed it. I put up with my ex's prejudices until I could no longer stand it. His were nothing like as bad as your b/f. And my ex is abusive and controlling.

So you've waited until you've gotten pregnant by this asshole to worry about whether or not you should stay with him due to the bigoted, ignorant garbage he spews?

Great father figure you've picked there.

FFS.

Op he’s showing you exactly who he is!
He’s not going to change. But you have an opportunity to break the cycle
Your child is going to hear ( and possibly copy ) his awful attitude

Do you want that for your child?

Maybe read the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft to gain a deeper understanding of the situation you are in with him.

Good luck op - congratulations on your pregnancy - hope all goes well.

I had one of those. He was also abusive. But he kept all that stuff under wraps for the first few months. The last month we were together he was so rude and inconsiderate with waitresses and taxi-drivers, for example. He also put down any ideas I had that didn't coincide with his as either romantic or because of the influence of other people.

Your views are too diametrically opposite, OP, for this to work.

He is the father of my dd. I didn't put him on the birth cert but also didn't discourage their contact. Just wanted to be in a position to stop contact if he ever did her any harm. She is now an adult, gets on well with him but does not share any of his noxious opinions.

I will- thank you x

How to make a pregnant woman cry Dragons

I honestly honestly don't think this is necessarily the deal breaker. Eg some couples have opposing political views, indeed belong to opposing political parties, and their views are considered noxious to the other ; yet they have a good and loving relationship.

He may have bigoted views but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bigot. It may be a cultural blind spot for him.

I hope you find a way to express to him what a game changer it is though.

Thank you!

How can holding bigotted views make him any thing but a bigot? By definition a bigot is some one who is intolerant of view points that disagree with theirs. He's a misogynist, an antisemite and a bigot. Presumably views he inherited from his family, and will be happily passing on to OP's child if she stays.

I think I'm just fed up with people picking crappy people to have children with.

This isn't an 'oops' pregnancy with some new boyfriend who she hasn't had a chance to get to know. She's been with him for 2 and 1/2 years! She knows who he is! And she stayed with him knowing who he is and decided to have a baby with him. And now she wonders what she's doing?

Not diplomatic, no. But early enough in the pregnancy to reconsider the whole thing, frankly.

Please please don't tie yourself to this man! Don't buy a house with him, don't in any way give him access to your inheritance funds!

Your inheritance is coming at just the right time to break ties with him. You have a child to think about now. You've seen the way he really is and you know you don't want your son or daughter to turn out like him.

Leave.

springy - I'm actually surprised at you. I've always found you to be a sympathetic and empathetic poster.
He may have bigoted views but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bigot yeah, it really does. Opposing political views - ok.

Opposing views on race, sex, money, intelligence - a dealbreaker.
Being a racist, sexist misogynist, = bigotted twat

OP - any daughter you have will be damaged by his views on women. Any son you have will be damaged by how he thinks a 'man' should be.

This is the reality of having offspring of a bigot.

I'm with you dragons. So depressing that women keep getting pregnant by useful and horrible men.

'He may have bigoted views but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bigot. It may be a cultural blind spot for him.'

Yes, it does. He's a sexist, too, and a twat who negs others.

I'm the same Dragons. I just don't get it.

OP - you stay with him even though you don't agree with his ignorant views and you will be miserable. How far does his misogyny go? Will you be doing all the housework? All childcare? Will you have proper access to money?

Personally, I wouldn't have a baby with a man like him. Even though I could manage alone financially I wouldn't want my child tied to that man forever and I wouldn't want it for myself.

🙄

Often people are blind to this kind of stuff until they get pregnant start seeing their partner through their child’s eyes....

Honestly, whilst I think yes, there’s some useful experience to be got out of have messed up and ended up pregnant with an arsehole, ultimately it is the arsehole who is the arsehole.

Women are not responsible for men who behave like arseholes.

It’s always a bit when someone male or female says ‘my OH is a dick’ and ppl say ‘you shouldn’t have/why did you get PG then?!’

Very few people consciously think ‘ah he/she’s such a dick if we have a baby that will help’.

Most people think ‘oh shit’ when it has already happened, not to mention it is common for twattish people to cover up their twattishness until their OH is trapped by PG/marriage/living together.

Please LTB and have an abortion. You really don’t want to be tied to this abusive bigot for the rest of your life. Not to mention you’ll also have to constantly fight against him poisoning the well of your child with his horrible views and abuse.

Leave it girl, it ain’t worth it.

I’m sure you’re young enough to find another person in a few years who’s a better match and have kids with him.

And please protect your inheritance. Don’t utter one. single. word. about it anymore to him. That is yours to keep and I’m sure your poor deceased relative would not want you to sink it into becoming entangled with this abusive bigot.

You’re worth more than this and are better than this.

Offred, he has a child from a previous relationship. She sees him regularly with this child. She sees what he tells him.

His views are not a surprise, and she has had the opportunity to see them through a child's eyes.

I feel quite sorry for you because you will now by tied to this man for the rest of your life. It's unfortunate that this mans views may be passed on to your child. I hope your child takes after you and see their fathers views as what it is.

For*

I do understand the frustration lots of you have with me- esp wth the damning info I’ve given.
Wary of explaining his redeeming features sounding like I’m backtracking, but for context... and specifically to MerryOldGoat, he is happy to, and does do as much, if not more housework than me despite working full time, he is generous with money and has shared everything with me since I’ve known him, he is kind and considerate- MOST of the time. Re: us buying a house together, he would be making the largest (by quite a considerable amount) contribution, but yet wants us to go in on it together with equal share.

It’s very occasionally that he comes out with these nasty opinions or comments, that like I said, because of all the good, I try to brush under the carpet but unsuccessfully as they are SO opposed to what I believe. He is a great father to his son- believe it or not and would do anything for him, as he should.

I’m not totally stupid and under his spell. He is good in so many ways, which is why I’m shocked when he come so it with this crap every now and then... I just wonder if it’s something I can approach and deal with or if these comments mean he’s just a bad guy deep down putting on a good act. This seems to be the most popular opinion from people here on face value... I’m grateful for the advice and just have to weigh up my options.

*comes out with this crap