Dealing with BIGOTED opinions of bf 🙄

[Belle356]

Hi everyone

I’m really struggling with something and I would love some advice if anyone has a moment...

I’m two months pregnant with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We live together and he has an 8 year old son from his previous marriage who we see every Wednesday and every other weekend.

Now that I’m pregnant I’m so keen to move on and focus on a happy life together and make our family work. However, my boyfriend keeps dropping bombs that i simply can’t ignore. Some examples: Once in an big argument he was totally racist about my Jewish ex-husband. He never apologised or tried to take it back.
Earlier today he commented on a lady on the tv’s clothes, saying she shouldn’t wear that dress as it made her ‘Tits look saggy’ (literally didn’t though) and her boyfriend should have told her not to wear it as she looked pregnant. 😡
Just now, while sitting down to do his sons homework, he said it didn’t matter if he did what was instructed or not. I argued that it might be a better idea to encourage him to follow the instructions his teachers set and do it properly and he stroppily said ‘No, he should do it how I said, it’s more important to be fun...’ I said we could make it fun and do it properly, but he got annoyed and said that it didn’t matter what the teachers thought- they were stupid and that’s why they’re only teachers. I mean what the hell kind of attitude is that!!

These fundamental differences in opinions worries me that I just shouldn’t be with him. My mum was a teacher and I’m deeply offended by the things he says. He has lots of redeeming features of course, but if his views are so bigoted, how can I get past them? I can’t dictate what he says around his own son, but I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude. He thinks the gender pay gap is justified too and doesn’t listen to my opposing view and just says I don’t understand business. So frustrating, what can I do?! Any advice on how to approach the subject?

Thank you!

Sorry, but how the fuck was the anti-Semitism not a complete and instant deal-breaker?

He sounds as if he has a massive inferiority complex/chip on his shoulder and it comes out in a particularly ugly way. Not a good role model for a child. Sorry, but IIWY I would go now, before it gets harder.

I’d deal with my boyfriend’s bigoted views by no longer having him as a boyfriend. You can’t stop him being a racist, misogynistic snob, but you can stop yourself from being his girlfriend.

I actually think you should consider leaving because his behaviour sounds incredibly controlling. Look at the comments you have listed here that he has made:
One about your ex... to make YOU feel shit
One about a teacher which is the profession of your parent.... to make YOU feel shit
One about clothing which a female on tv was wearing.... to make YOU insecure about your body

Hes trying to make you feel like shit about yourself so you wont leave him.
It will turn into a nightmare when your child is born. It doesnt sound like he is going to be able to provide you with the help and support you will need, particularly the emotional side of it.

Id get well away if i were you

Get your inheritance locked down away from him and don't tell him about it. If you have already done so, tell him you were wrong and you've got a couple of hundred quid. But all in all, leave him.

Some things can't be kissed better, he is one of them.
Sorry OP, move on.

Please don't buy a house with him. Your life will be awful if you do.

tiptopteepe makes some valid points.

This is not a good relationship to be in.

My brother is similar with the misogynistic bullshit. I've minimised contact. In other ways he's nice so I understand your dilemma but it cancels it out in my view. I've also only noticed in in the past couple of years.

He doesn't think he has to try anymore.

Why did he break up with his ex?

@tiptopteepe very good points. I agree wholeheartedly. It's negging and that's bad.

You don't have to have a child with him, you know. You do and you will have to have him involved in your life and your child's. He's a dick.

Do you really want to make a life and have a future with someone so awful? If so, think about why you would want to do that. He doesn't share or respect your values or opinions, what kind of life and future does that promise?

In his eyes your worth is a lot less than his.

You don't have to be there and, if it needs saying, this is NOT going to get better. Ever.
I get the sense you know all of this but let me assure you you don't need permission from anyone to do what is in your best interests. You sound very articulate, enough smarts to understand you have landed yourself an utter asshole but it isn't any problem to release him back into the wild and continue about your life unhindered.
It is interesting to note that his behaviour has changed in lock step with your pregnancy...this is a warning card.

Have a look at the womensaid pages online op so you can find out how a good man behaves.

Sadly your 'relationship' with him is only going to get worse - unless you give up your 'beliefs' and let him squash the life out of you.

Get away before it becomes too difficult.

Oh my god I can't believe you had sex with this guy!
Whatever you do, do not buy a house with this loser, he sounds absolutely horrific!!!

It's good that you are not married as you can keep your inheritance for yourself and your child when you leave him.

Don’t deal with them.

If you are wanting to go ahead with the PG (no judgement here) then get out ASAP and you’ll have a good 6 months of not listening to this nasty negative crap designed to make him feel better about himself by making you feel crap.

I don’t think this is the kind of thing you can ‘deal with’ TBH. He’s being an arsehole and he just needs to stop being an arsehole but you cannot effect that change.

Don't offer to buy a house with him, and don't get married.

You need to keep your inheritance for yourself, it's your passport to freedom.

I hate to say it but he sounds of a certain working class. Aka just like my brother - who comes out with stuff that makes your toes curl.

I don't know what it is, these otherwise lovely men who have a streak of howlingly bad opinions running through them, oblivious to how offensive these opinions are. I don't know what you can do about it.

Anyone see the white male working class documentary recently? 2 parter.

OBVIOUSLY I'm not saying all working class men are like this!

OP you answered your own question here when you said ‘I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude’. He won’t change in fact he will probably only get worse. Do not buy a property with him it will complicate matters. Be independent. Obviously he will have contact with your child and you will have a job explaining to DC every time Dad says something out of order. You have found yourself in a horrible situation and I feel for you.

How does stress make you racist?

What a prince among men!

Get rid ASAP.

Seems a very overwhelming response- I did know this deep down and though there is no excuse for the terrible things he has said, he is otherwise lovely and caring and generally great. Coming out with these comments every now and then shock me and make me discount all the good stuff, which I then feel guilty about and brush them under the carpet. But they still fester in the back of my mind...

Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts x

You know, OP, if you dump him like a hot potato (which obviously you should), there is no shortage of moronic, shallow, sexist antisemites out there. They're all pretty interchangeable so it won't be hard to replace him if you ever get sick of not being in a relationship with a complete arsewipe.