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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

998 replies

Basseting · 20/01/2018 17:31

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/01/2018 20:45

Tiru what are the things that aren't too good when you're not together? Do you think he can ever give you what you want?

tiru18 · 22/01/2018 20:53

Hi NK, hope you’re feeling ok, your determination always encourages me.

It’s not good when we’re not together as if I make contact he’ll regard it as me being needy. Although I really don’t think I am - I think I’m being normal - whereas he sees any emotional attachment as a sign of neediness. I think that’s partly down to his past/upbringing and partly down to the huge value he places on his situation. I think he sees himself as different to lots of people in that he’s not tied to anyone/anything and after 50 odd years of living like that he’s going to make sure it remains like that. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle and I should just give up!

Basseting · 22/01/2018 21:03

tiru well done! that msg will still be in your drafts folder tomorrow. you can sleep on it and have a think?
I am off to bed. cold and tired. night all.x
Day 10 (?) complete.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 22/01/2018 21:06

Evening All,
basseting I am going to go slightly against the grain. I would stay friends with old 6th form friend but just word a reply carefully. Something saying glad you can remain friends and hope his wife knows she has nothing to fear from your strictly platonic friendship... but I am shit at boundaries and cutting people off so not saying my advice is any good!
Decrepid old man is what i shallow refer to your NC as to help keep that image in your mind.

Oldbrook hope work event went well

App Star

NK you always inspire me too and seem to have such great insight.

I have managed not to contact my NConlinedatinglookalike today! But, the way I distracted myself was by flirting with yet another man on snapchat. I have issues. I did a bit of SM stalking of my true NC and am now 85% convinced he did move to London.
I here some of you mention your husbands or ex'H slso being around. Mine is around constantly. I had to hide NC guy from him. I always have to hide any men. This is part of the reason i miss my NC do much as was a lovely escape who accepted my situation.

anxiousnow · 22/01/2018 21:06

hear*

OldBook · 22/01/2018 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePartingLass · 22/01/2018 21:24

I've been following this thread with interest as so many emotions resonate. I had a thread on relationships 'how to move on from ex boyfriend'. Basically we were together 18 months and then split due to dealbreakers on either side. It was an amicable split and we made a seamless transition to close friendship 10 months ago, it kind of just happened. Phone calls probably 5 times a week, almost daily texts, twice weekly meetings, and he would help out with house, garden and car things. I did do the odd bit of online dating but with hindsight it was never going to work as we were so emotionally close... subconsciously it felt like I was cheating on him. Now ... yes I'm sure you can guess the next bit ... he has found someone else and it has floored me.
Really, it's a blessing in disguise, as something needed to break what was, in hindsight a very unhealthy friendship/ relationship. He wanted to carry on being friends, but I said no, he needs space to develop this potential romance and I need space to heal.
I'm very teary and can't eat or sleep much. I'm hoping this will pass in time, does it get easier? On day 6 now since the face to face goodbye chat.

Teensandfuture · 22/01/2018 21:37

Parting
Sorry about your pain.
First thing first
Eating and sleeping.

I was where you are , over the counter sleeping pills helped to get rest and reduced anxiety. Try some, it might work for you

Secondly you know what you need to do! Go full NC and come here for support, it will get easier day by day I promise 😊

Just need to stick to the action plan, go NC , distance yourself and detach emotionally.

Slowly but surely you'll get there ,and we all here to help each other.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/01/2018 21:38

Tiru thanks for your lovely words. I guess I am determined that he respects me and knows I am strong. He has said it to me on many occasions too, that I am strong so I'm glad he sees that in me.

Ugh nothing worse than being made feel needy when you're only having normal contact. That's really frustrating and unfair on you.

Anxious thank you also for your lovely words. I think your distraction sounds really nice and your boundaries seem in place. Enjoy the banter!

Basseting Star

App Star

Oldbook a big huge good luck from me Flowers I would be incredibly jealous about the tinder dates too. I think that's human nature

Welcome Theparting

tiru18 · 22/01/2018 21:45

OldBook, sorry to hear you’re feeling wobbly. I think this can happen so easily just when you think you’re over that kind of feeling. I for one convince myself that I feel ok and I to be fair, I do at the time. But then my mind starts overworking and overthinking and it’s a downward spiral for me. Stay strong, I’ve read your posts and you’ve done so well to get to this point. Don’t let your mind unsettle you.

Hello PartingLass, I know what you mean about emotions resonating when you read this thread. In a strange way it brings me some kind of comfort, to know that what I’m feeling is similar to what other people have experienced - and I’m sure you’ll find comfort here too. What you’re going through sounds very tough but from what I’ve read time will make it easier and you will feel better about things. That’s what I’m hoping for.

I re-read my email and cringed and have deleted it. Dignified NC makes me feel a whole lot better about things.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/01/2018 21:49

Dignified NC is the way to go Tiru. It leaves a much more positive blueprint of us in their mind I think

Enirroc · 22/01/2018 21:50

Hey all x

I'm feeling really ill and weak tonight

Itsalottery · 22/01/2018 22:08

Hello all. It's hard to keep up with everyone but most of you seem to be doing so much better. I am back on nc2 after the weekend meeting. Feeling very angry that I was used for so long and so easily forgotten and moved on from. I keep having temptations to send something angry but I'm not going to. Dignity is the way forward and learn to put it behind me. It's horrid though.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/01/2018 22:12

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad Enirroc and Itsa.

Dignity definitely is the way forward. Well done on Day 2. Onwards and upwards

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 22/01/2018 22:16

How does it feel to feel nothing ?
I wonder what you would look like if you hadn’t read the book,
If you hadn’t studied everyone, and how you’re supposed to look.
How to look hurt, when really you’re burning with anger,
How to cry until you vomit to convince real emotion.
You can keep it up for so long, around people that don’t care,
But meet someone that loves you, they’ll analyse you bare.
All the inconsistencies, all the mimicked emotions,
Live with someone day in day out, invade their whole life,
They’ll see through the mask, slowly slipping.
They’ll try to make you stay,
Just one more day,
Surely you have a heart and soul,
They saw it, they’re sure they did,
Just a glimpse, just for a moment.
No-one has no soul,
They won’t believe they just danced with the devil,
You told them who you were,
They knew who you were,
Their perfect storm, their worst nightmare.
But they were different from all the others you’d danced with,
You wouldn’t hurt them,
You promised.
You wanted, needed to change, and they could help you.
The only one that could help you.
You made them feel indispensible, and them to you.
Then the mask is off and you take you’re overwhelming presence , and you run.
Run as fast as you can
Leaving them bereft, distraught, traumatised.
They knew what you were, they knew it was always going to happen,
Though the shock is all consuming.
The hole left in their life feels infinite..
What was fake and what was real? They will never know.
Nor will you our kid. Nor will you.

Rhubarbginn · 22/01/2018 22:22

This thread moves fast! Keep going all of you.
I’m feeling quite good this evening. Contacted him after day 32. Felt it was time. A lot of my anger has gone over the last 32 days and I felt like I didn’t want nc hanging over me anymore. And I could message him without being aggressive or angry. I didn’t feel the need to lay out my emotions or attribute blame.

So it was light and reasonably friendly. I think I surprised him by cutting short when he started telling me what he was doing etc. I suggested meeting to catch up and I have left that with him. But I’m no longer being his virtual online support. Where we talk 90% about him just so get the chance to chat with him. I need more than that. More effort. And if it’s not there so be it.
old book I don’t know what will happen. He may contact me. But if he doesn’t I feel that edge of nc has gone. I haven’t barked at him as there was nothing to achieve and he wouldn’t listen anyway. Feel quite dignified and can continue to make progress a little calmer. I’m going to stop counting my nc days as I think I’m moving in to the next stage.

Itsalottery · 22/01/2018 22:23

Wow. That is amazingly true. Is it a poem / song? Should I know it or did you write It?

Itsalottery · 22/01/2018 22:25

That is amazing rhubarb. The 30 day thing is obviously true. To be able to let go of the anger is so healthy. I agree there has to come a point where you stop counting the days and at that point you are there. Well done.

Rhubarbginn · 22/01/2018 22:27

old book I think it was too soon to meet. I don’t think you’re ready to ‘share’ him with anyone else. It doesn’t sound as if the friendship will ever meet what you really need. And it’s so easy to become invested in it and feel disappointed.

ThePartingLass · 22/01/2018 22:29

Thank you teens and Tiru.
How do you detach emotionally? I guess that's the million dollar question. I'm throwing myself into dating ... I've had 3 dates in the last couple of weeks, no spark but I've reached a realisation that I'm more attracted to manual workers than office types, so that's a start.
I'm avoiding local haunts. News of his new romance hasn't spread yet but I'm dreading when it does and people won't know how I feel about it so that'll be awkward.
Definitely no contact. In the last meeting he started trying to tell me various reasons why it might hit the ground fast. I cut him off and said I don't need details, in fact it's better for me if they do work out, if it fails that will bring its own challenges. I did say things would never go back to how they were even if his new romance fails.
Part of me feels a bit cross and humiliated that he found someone first. I think if it had been the other way round his feelings would be similar to be fair. I'm cross that I'm left with this sense of loss that he's managed to avoid by directly transitioning from me to her!

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 22/01/2018 22:37

"Itsalottery" it was going to be a poem but I couldn't really concentrate, so it came out as it is, the day after he cleared his stuff out, while I was at work. That was 12 days ago. I chose NC that day, when he left.

Itsalottery · 22/01/2018 22:42

I think it's amazing! Are you a writer? If not you should be. It totally sums up how I Feel! Only problem is it made me want to break my nc and send him your words (don't worry I won't but really felt like it). Well done on your nc, that must have been so tough for you. How long had you been together? X

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 22/01/2018 22:54

Itsalottery I'm not a writer, I just needed to turn my insides out. He packed all his things, and took my stomach with him. The deep need to stay connected is all consuming, but I just picture the smug smirk on his face when he sees my message, and that is the only thing that stops me. Try that. Picture the controlling buzz he will get from that.

Itsalottery · 22/01/2018 23:01

ifyourgoingthroughhell that is a good tip. I have had many of those smug looks from him and mocking tones. Our exes were clearly cut from the same cloth. I hope your healing gets better. Mine comes and goes in waves but we broke up longer ago than you (although I have been rubbish with the nc) so your stomach emptiness will get better even if in small steps x

Rhubarbginn · 22/01/2018 23:09

Thinking of their smug satisfied face should put anyone off sending a message. Particularly if it’s sent in anger Smile

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