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Original poster

NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

998 replies

Basseting · 20/01/2018 17:31

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

OP posts:
gettingthereshopefully · 30/01/2018 10:50

Too right about squashing behaviour you don't agree with OldBook. Today I found myself in the school carpark in a disagreement with a 'friend' who over the past few weeks has been blowing hot and cold and has a tendency to lash out impulsively for, what others believe to be, very small things. I found her behaviour aggressive this morning (especially at 8am on the school run when I'm not properly awake) and I was cold and severe with her which she picked up on and started playing the victim and stormed off. Needless to say it shook me up but I couldn't accept her unpleasant behaviour anymore. Well, an hour later I received an apology from her which I responded to in a positive way.

It wasn't a pleasant experience but by setting my boundaries I was, to a certain extent, more respected than if I hadn't.

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 10:51

gettingthere OldBook
blunt feedback (about MF &/or my reaction) is really helpful.
I have not had remotely standard upbringing / early experiences so I am always second guessing my reactions to things.

I dont gain anything from it no.
As a misjudged 1 off i would not end the friendship over it.
but i DO need to make my boundaries clear I think?

so what to say in reply ?
(might make him wait a day or so too? - I am learning....)

OP posts:
Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 10:57

"It wasn't a pleasant experience but by setting my boundaries I was, to a certain extent, more respected than if I hadn't."

YES!!! a million times YES.

So, how shall i word it?

" Yes, I can see why you have been misunderstood before! I have read it but cannot see any useful comment I can make. The 'intensely private' writing of mine I was referring to was re history / emotions rather than sex which I would not feel the need to share with a friend."

????

OP posts:
Belonger · 30/01/2018 11:12

Hi basseting, that's a bit of a shocker. I'd be shutting it right down and getting rid of him from my life altogether, although I know that's not what you want to do, but it's my response. I'd say something like 'dear x, what you sent me was not appropriate or appreciated, you have definite problems with boundaries. It was good to see you and I wish you well but won't be contacting you again and I'd appreciate it if you don't contact me. Best wishes'

No need to go into anything or justify your decision.

I'm not sure why you wanted to send him some of your private journal?

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 11:42

Hi Belonger
thanks for input. maybe that is the only way? I feel sad though. Is it something about me that invites this? (tbf I did contact both of them but I wasn't looking for intimacy - literal or in writing - with either of them and I thought I made that clear?)
perhaps once you have been intimate then you can never be 'just friends' even 30 yrs later?

re the journal - he knew my family quite well. I am still slowly processing what happened to me whilst I lived with them. The more outrageous stuff I worked through in therapy years ago but there is more subtle stuff. He remarked how my Mother had tried to destroy me each time he came to call for me - he vividly recalls me being in tears as she shredded my outfit /hair /weight etc - that was useful and I thought I would share some of my 'life story' with him for feedback (and some of it is too painful to speak out loud)
So a friend I'd rather hold onto but not at any price (ie being a recipient of sex emails, the idiot! there is all sorts of stuff re sex I could write about to him, get it off my chest etc but I wouldn't as he is married so it is completely inappropriate. He obvs doesn't think so :(

OP posts:
gettingthereshopefully · 30/01/2018 12:03

His behaviour is not your fault Basseting. Please don't think it's because of you. Until very recently I would preach the importance of shades of grey, not wishing to throw away a friendship, being willing to give the benefit of the doubt.

Not so much now.

I'll never be black and white. I'll often try putting myself in the shoes of the other but life doesn't end if you close the door on certain people. Only positivity and truth from now on. And I'm not sure this friendship is very much about positivity for you.

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 12:18

gettingthere
thanks, that is useful.
it is also the 'content' of the email - it is not respectful (if I was her I would be very unhappy the way he paints it - her 'rather desperate', him doing 'all the work but unsatisfied so he had to end it'.
what does he expect me to say to that, for chuffs sake? 'poor you'??? Erk!

OP posts:
Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 12:22

sorry to go on rather...
It is not so much his sudden wonkiness (though it is a shock!)
it is really important to me for MY response to be one I am happy with so I really appreciate the space / feedback to chew it over here.x.

OP posts:
Belonger · 30/01/2018 12:24

I don't think you 'invited' "this behaviour but I think we all learn from our childhood or different experiences where and when to draw limits. It may be that if you had a very difficult upbringing, with lots of bad treatment, that you became used to disrespectful behaviour and don't draw the line as quickly as someone else might. That is NOT saying it's your responsibility if people treat you badly! But sounds like you're ready to say No more often and more quickly. Go you and your firmer boundaries!

I also think it's pretty rare to find a straight man who can be genuinely just friends with a straight woman. Sad but true in my experience. How are your female friendships?

Teensandfuture · 30/01/2018 12:27

Bassetting could what he sent you be a description of your sex with him 30years ago?
Is he trying to tell you something like he still remembers ? Otherwise I don't see a point of him sending it to you.
But one thing is definite : he wants to have sex with you on his terms, to be discreet or whatever..remember my words he will come up with this suggestion ,if he sees you are interested in him .
He wants a sexuall affair,thats clear to me (I might be wrong though) but that's how I see it.

Belonger · 30/01/2018 12:37

Oh definitely teens, he's not very subtle is he?

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 12:45

Belonger
I think those are very fair points and helpful thank you. My boundaries are definitely not great. Plus when I was at the amdram thing a nice woman said to me@ 'this could be so good for your confidence' and I said: 'oh, that in need of work?' and she said she'd never seen anyone so 'in need' Blush.

re female friendships - ok? - just 2/3 close friends but thats ok by me

Re a sexual affair - dont see how? 400m away, 'cant meet' - cant think he means this? or would it be by text? (pointless?!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 12:50

ah. clarification....

email just in:

(news re medical thing) signs off with:
"Love MF. confident I can say Love now and not worry you might think it means any more than that of a wannabe very good friend"

so, what do you think my Learned Friends:
is that clear or is he a mixed up bunny ??? (not another one....)

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 30/01/2018 13:06

Bassetting
Hell find a way to meet lol

Belonger · 30/01/2018 13:43

He's still implying that it's you that's misunderstood his 'love', bassetting - not taking responsibility for his own weird boundary'less behaviour!

And I agree with teens, if someone wants an affair or a shag, they'll find a way to meet you.

Belonger · 30/01/2018 13:46

If it was me, I wouldn't feel he'd clarified anything - just covering his back again, having sent you something completely inappropriate! I wonder how he'd feel if you suggested sending it to his wife to check she's OK with his boundaries?? Grin

Don't let him hand you the role of 'person who reads too much into things'. Real friends don't do that.

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 14:12

Belonger

that is SO helpful thank you!!! i dont want that role for sure!

I had in mind a once/twice a year meet up at a museum for the day.
a bit of banter is fine but a fling just not possible (married and kids...)
But it will be tedious if he wants to keep pushing then saying: 'ooh you misunderstood me' - er, no thanks.... I suspect that he has done this before and other women have either told him to 'bog off' or wanted a proper affair.

So I am going to send this:

"I can see why you ‘have been misunderstood before’.
I did say I was happy to read what you wanted to send me and you did say it had ‘adult content’ so I will not start pearl clutching but I am not sure I see the point?

Do you want a critique? as a piece of descriptive writing about sex it does what it says on the tin. Outwith a wider context (like a book) I am not sure what response you are after?
The ‘intensely private’ stuff in my writing is integral to the story (rather than gratuitous) and is largely emotional rather than sexual anyway.

Our recently rediscovered email friendship has value to me precisely because it is not sexual."

or, just, you know, 'bog off'... Grin

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 30/01/2018 14:35

Bassetting
Your reply is still vague . Can you say something along the lines that you don't think his wife would be comfortable with the content of his emails therefore its not a good idea to engage in this sort of communications , and because of this and similarly you appreciate and value his friendship and that's all it is to you ,you are not comfortable discussing anything sexual/personal with him.

Belonger · 30/01/2018 15:01

Agree with teens, you're kind of leaving it open for an ongoing discussion of the writing he sent. If you want that fine of course. But if you want to end that discussion you need to say so very clearly.

gettingthereshopefully · 30/01/2018 15:12

I've often heard that men need to hear a crystal clear 'no' to really get the message. Any diluted version of a 'no' will be interpreted as a hopeful maybe.

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 15:17

Oh. ok - helpful thanks!
I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and also over explain
(as you will have noticed on this thread!)

how about:

'Our email friendship is of value to me because it is platonic.
I will not respond to further emails with sexual content.
We can remain friends on those terms.'

I dont want to invoke his wife.
I want to say its not okay for ME.

OP posts:
Belonger · 30/01/2018 16:56

That sounds great!

Original poster
Basseting · 30/01/2018 17:05

Belonger Flowers

You lot are FAB!!!!!!

and very bloody patient! (I promise to stfu now) Grin Halo

OP posts:
Belonger · 30/01/2018 17:30

No need to hush up at all basseting! We're all working through stuff and this is a great place to support each other. I learn a lot by reading everyone's posts and questions, and it helps me clarify my own feelings. We're all fab!

Teensandfuture · 30/01/2018 18:04

How's everyone today lovelies?
I've had a busy day, just want to get home and relax .
I'm in total NC with all 3 of my exs haveiturnedthecorner and I feel in a vacuum..