NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

Oh I agree Teens I'm not mad on Britney. I love Taylor Swift!

Basseting dying to hear what Museum Friend has been saying! Have a good sleep

Still love a lot of chart music here so
No NK he thinks I want more from my easy going hi message He was fine the day before and was the one talking about meeting. But hi tipped him over the edge somehow! He hasn't replied to my latest text so obviously fed up of discussing it.
basseting sorry museum friend has upset you. Of course we will be here to listen tomorrow. Hope you get Some sleep.

Coffee sorry to hear you're so sad 🙁. I was where you are two weeks ago and I'm still hurting, but it's easing slightly. I am trying so hard to visualise their relationship succeeding ( I think you should do this too even though it's not easy) as I'm sure that will help me move on faster, but my mind wanders into daydreams sometimes in which he realises that I'm the right one, etc. It's so hard.

My joiner was supposed to be coming today but didn't as he got waylaid elsewhere. That was a shame as having him around last week was really helpful, just to natter to and distract me. He's promised he'll be here tomorrow, phew!

Got a date tomorrow night to look forward to while one of the kids is at scouts 🙂.

Yesterday's date (old friend) I'm going to have to back off from as his close social circle includes ex's new gf. In fact he met my ex for the first time the previous night. He wants to see me again but is understanding that I am weirded out by the situation. He told me that exs new gf has asked him about me ... she had spotted that we were fb friends. Oh dear! He says he can deal with it but I feel massively anxious at the thought of even going to his village.

Got nothing to watch on telly ... finished BB and better call saul recently and nothing compares! I've ordered game of thrones ... hope I can absorb myself in that.

So many emotions on this thread resonate ... I hope what I'm experiencing isn't limerance (read about that once on another thread). I really need this grief to pass soon, I'm terrified I may wallow for months.

Love to everyone. X

anxious that is hard on top of everything else and odd to boot. Best to not give him any more head space but easier said than done.

Basseting I hope museum guy has not upset you. Will await update.

Thanks all, it's still very early days and raw. I think that's part of the problem is that he knows me through and through and knew how much it took for me to open up and take that risk to go for a relationship. Feel like it's been thrown back in my face which is ridiculous really but I'm just hurt.

Yes, maybe a chance of bumping into him but not very likely. Though knowing me, I'll run into everywhere I go now

Maybe a case of looking like him and some form of transference anxious? He doesn't sound like a keeper in any way shape or form. I get having trust issues but no-one at all screams emotional baggage you don't want to get into.

I can't say anything about musical tastes - have been listening to Pat Benatar and Annie Lennox tonight. I might hunt out my Jagged Little Pill cd and not look at the back when it was released otherwise I'll feel ancient. If there was ever a good wronged woman song it has to be you oughta know

Coffee I wonder if that is it with these men. They open us up after us being so cautious then can't handle the emotion themselves so run to someone else or just somewhere else. It does sound cruel the way he let you tryst him to then backtrack.

itsa thank you. Stupidly he is now taking up far more of my head space than he ever has done. How are you tonight?

lass good luck with date tomorrow. Shame you are going to have to back off from this other one. Creepy the ex's gf asking about you. Insecurities.

parting lass I have been wallowing for months, what a sad case, so glad you are not intending to do the same. I have moments of thinking him and new woman are having an amazing time, sometimes it fills me with grief and sometimes it makes me stronger, depends on my mood of the moment. My aim is to not care either way.

Thanks for asking anxious up and down is the truth of it. It really is time to pull myself together and get over it but I am still struggling to 2 months on.

Oh my gosh... Every time I have a busy few hours, you all chat like mad! I can't keep up! Lol

Fascinated to see what this message was about Basetting, hope it's nothing bad.

I'm glad things are easing for you slightly Lass and that's not a bad way to go about things, imagining their relationship going well. I have no doubt that it will but still I do have the odd glimmer of hope he will change his mind, even though I know that is not the case and futile. I hope the date goes well tonight, where did you meet him?

Well done OldBook

I must say that is the brucie bonus of being bi, I can swear off men no worries The crap side being it is so difficult to meet women rather than men.

Yet another terrible night's sleep, this time thanks to my delightful dd. You would think she was a baby/toddler but nope, just an awful sleeper. Been up at 12, 1 and 3 with her and gave up at 3am. I'm really not in the mood to handle this at the minute as physically haven't been feeling great either.

Wishing everyone a strong and happy day ahead.

gosh I my interent is down for a few days and there is so much happening! better than any soap opera!
I posted a while ago about maybe starting to (finally!) get over ex. Having a few wobbly days as ex is going 'away' for a long weekend and is refusing to tell me where he is going or who with ('We're separated - I don't have to tell you anything') which really f!cking HURT still - I know I should rise above it but still . . . .
(Someone knock some sense into me please!)
Oldbook well done!
Bassetting I remember museum guy! awaiting to hear . .. will try and go back a few pages and read when kids are in bed.

coffee
Yy re Alanis' You Oughta Know. I listened to it back to back most of last year. Loud. Joining in. (sometimes whilst cooking tea for the kids... the other one of hers that sends shivers up my spine is the a capella version of Your House? (tis a bit stalkerish, mind! ;) the woman can sing!!! i like the lyrics of Uninvited too but the music not so much.
Pat Benatar and Annie Lennox too? you are my kind of gal!! Chrissie Hynde takes me back to a certain stage of my life too. God I am old!

So, MuseumFriend.
he was my boyfriend when I was 17/18. He was a year above me, went to Uni first. He came from quite a posh family (emotionally fucked up though), mine were on the breadline (also emotionally dodgy). He went off to Uni. I found someone more 'grown up' who I thought would take care of me. Fast forward 30 years. I have a series of operations re my mobility. One goes really wrong and I think I will be paralysed and in the 5 days I am flat out / hallucinating I decide to contact all the people who have ever meant anything to me and see how they are doing. Old friends, distant family, the lot! :)

First one I contact is DOM - urgency is there to help with my gifted SEN kid (my exH is beyond useless with the kids and I have almost no wriggle room to help either). So he says he will help ds but then I get the whole 'lost love of my life' stuff. He wants to help me, help kids, marry me, have a child with me, write a book with me, (I am writing, he wants to) - it is overwhelming and amazing - like finding nourishment for the first time in decades and emotionally /intellectually starving that I am, I start to scarf down the 'nourishment' he is offering not realising how tainted it is (he is a classic narcissist).
Now it has ended, I am struggling with a depression the like of which I have not had for 30 years. I hugely regret contacting him.

MusuemFriend is delighted to hear from me. Asks why my FB page is so locked down, I explain about abusive childhood and series of bad interactions with men as I learned to process effects of it. I say I had an esp difficult tangle with an ex last year which has left me on my knees. He is kind. Suggests a meetup. I am a bit wary after DOM and also as MuseumFriend has 'done well' and I have not so I feel awkward. Plus DOM was vile about my changed appearance. I had arranged a weekend trip to see DOM (my birthday and a big one at that!) before he went NC on me. I still wanted to go as £ spent, so seeing MuseumFriend seemed a good idea. (I also ended up seeing DOM but another story). So MuseumFriend (MF) and I met and had a nice day looking around the museum, lunch, early supper and he heads off for train. We got on well. He offered some useful comments about my family, we chatted about kids, jobs, spouses, politics - the lot. He told me not to fret about my appearance, I 'looked fine' but apart from that no flirting, no touching at all, not so much as a hello / goodbye peck. He did say that it might be the only time we meet as his wife 'seemed anxious about it' and I said yes, fine, we are 400m apart after all. I almost gave him a hug as he left (I am a hugger) but I didnt in case he misread it. Now I am glad.

oooh, essay mode...

so when I get home there is a 'birthday card' from DOM: cheap, jokey, says: 'wasnt it your birthday last year?' inside he has put his initial. nothing else, not even 'to X from Y': I'd rather not have had it tbh as it made me cry.
but also a postcard from MF which says: 'can it be she still doesnt know how beautiful she is: i see it, the guy in the lift sees it too, and lingers a little longer to enjoy her loveliness' I am a bit stunned (DOM has convinced me I am a hideous troll so I have trouble actually accepting it is meant for me?)
Later I also think: 'Oh, poo -, right sentiments, wrong sender :(
MF then sends a case of wine. I say: 'thanks, but I dont really drink'.
Since then (6th) there have been quite a few emails/messenger texts. He says if we meet again his wife will have to come ('if she wanted to') as she was 'very quiet' after 'our trip' and suspects my motives. This annoyed me _ I have no 'motives' and have been clear about it - so I send a breezy - 'no worries, it was nice to meet but we can go NC now'and I get 'oh, no not giving up that easily, texts are fine'

So he knows I keep a journal which contains quite a bit of my life story (NOT for publication, more of a therapy exercise). He asks me to send a chunk or two. I tell him i talk about my feelings for DOM, and MF is less keen so I have not sent any yet. Then he says he got mixed up about an old girlfriend and he'd like to talk about it. I say OK. then he says might be better to write it down but it will include 'adult content' is that okay? I say it depends on the context, ie if I send him some of my journal it would include some too but as part of the story rather than as part of boundary testing or for shock value, but I will read it if it matters to him no problem.

So, he sends it last night. It is porn. no context / justification / trying to work through something with an old friend - just a piece of sex writing (not even v good). What do I do?

Last bit (honest!)
he prefaced it by saying:
"A proper friendship is only worth it if you share important things but there have to be limits because I'm married. I'm just not sure where those boundaries are. And I've been misunderstood before."

I can see why! and I can see why his wife is twitchy. its not my boundaries she needs to worry about it is his confused ones - 'misunderstood' my arse!.

do I just send this as a reply???
I feel a bit guilty as I DID say he could send it.
And he did say he didnt want to upset me 'talking about sex'.

Now he is NOT DOM. So if the friendship crashes and burns I will not be devastated. But I would like to set boundaries and continue it sporadically by email on my terms. I think that could be important progress for me. I have to reply as if I leave it like this I will feel like he too has treated me like some sort of online sex person and that is not okay.

So, what do I say???

I had said: re my journal : ' it is intensely private. is it a good idea to send to another person?I dont know, it might change things'

there has been another email just now:

Do you see why I was reticent and it why it could easily be misunderstood.

'.. intensely private. is that a good idea? i dont know. it might change things...'

Exactly what I was trying to say You see I knew you understood"

Is it 'porn'??? - well it is a blow by blow (literally) account of sex with her. and there is no 'reason' for him to send it that I can see - if it was a book / movie it would be gratuitous. whereas the (not graphic at all more about feelings than sex) private stuff in my writing is integral. that is the difference and that is why I am so uncomfortable I think. (plus the 'i've been misunderstood before' bollocks)
so glad I've not sent my writing now even so!

Basseting, good morning! Now, as you've read in my recent posts I have a lot of work to do on my boundaries and I've been in a similar situation as yours with MF. I'm not easily shocked but this email of his you've described just seems a little pathetic to me. I'm sorry, I don't want to be scathing. He may be frustrated one way or another in his marriage and needs to share this sexual content with you but for what purpose? And what do you gain from it? Not much, right?

What do you feel like writing to him?