NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

That anxious feeling of waiting for a message
It's absolutely number 1 reason I do NC, I can't deal with that level of anxiety. My life is too short for this nonsense!
My NC was low online user, messaged rarely. And sometimes I would see him online, writing a message to me, after a week or so not in touch and it would be excruciating wait..hed take around 20 minutes or longer to compile. Stopping and starting again ( maybe writing and deleting and restarting again). And I felt sick to my stomach thinking:God will he end things, will he say He doesn't want me.

The message would come through, always nice, lovely to me, informative of his life, leaving me longing for more...his lovely crumbs , until next time I get my chatting slot a week later or so..
I'd spend days waiting for his reply, waiting for him to organise for us to spend time together.
Only after few months I realised he has NO INTENTION to have closer relationship with me as it would jeopardise his great( on the outside) life.

Does he want a divorce, does he want to sell that high value house in a most expensive area around, does he want to risk not seeing his son, does he want to deal with fallout with family, does he want to be seen as bad guy? Ofcourse not.

I was a fall back girl, he'd be with me if they desided to split up but looks like they are working it out so I'm tossed aside.

Only NC made me fully reassess clearly and see things for what they truly are..

Same here Oldbook
I come here mostly for support to others beingamoralcompass to keep lovely participants on track lol
We came a long way now and I'm so pleased with it !

The anxious feeling of waiting for a message... I'm loving knowing that there might be one, but that I don't NEED to read it...

I've not read it yet but will.
I don't feel I'm second best though, I have enough self-esteem to know my worth.
I'm good looking, intelligent, selfsufficient, have a good carrier.
Not to sound nasty I believe his wife is loosing in comparison with me in a lot of aspects so it's his SITUATION that put me into that position, it's not a reflection on me as a person .

But I allowed for this to happen so derailed my vision of life for a bit.
I went NC and he didn't follow. Maybe he even felt relieved that I took that decision because he couldn't. Maybe his life is easier now as I'm not in it ?
Or maybe he seeing someone else now who knows.

Yes this bit in baggage reclaim article is resonates so much
You feel violated by the Trade Descriptions Act but you’re also a victim to your own inflated expectations that are based more in what you perceive the product can do in your capable hands as opposed to what it’s actually capable of doing based on the specification. You’re like someone who doesn’t read the instructions, sets up the product blindly and then wonders what went wrong. You want more than Mr Unavailable can deliver, and even though he has in many respects misled you to believe that there is more on offer, you have had more than enough tangible proof in his contradictory actions and words, to know that what you want and what you’re going to end up with, are two totally different things.

You feel confused. Why go to the trouble of making a song and dance about the product if he wasn’t going to sell it to you? But he seemed to really want to wow you, show you a good time and make sure that you’re shopping experience was unforgettable

There was so much misleading on his part and so much of trying to wow me I fell for it😣

I've given up trying to figure my guy out, to second guess him, to go online late in the hope he'll throw a crumb. He was always on the cusp of saying something but never quite did apart from 'I can't stop thinking about you' 'You were one of the first people I thought of when I had the near death experience'. Really if someone meant that much to you wouldn't you pull out all the stops to show them.

I'm angry with him today. Angry I can't go to the event as it would be awkward. Angry he wasn't the person he was first time around.

I fell for it too, Teens

I also just fell for the 'final meetup to gain closure' myth.
I txted him to say we need to meet. suggested next 3 wkends. asked which pref for him. said if no reply will take pot luck. I think it is fairly certain he will not be away from home all those weekends so will want to specify a time in due course but who knows? Pah.

rej social media can I ask? I am almost completely ignorant about it.
I use MN (obvs) and FB/messenger a tiny tiny bit but that is all.
He says he never uses it.
BUT if someone had,s ay, 300 friends on FB and say, 200 of them were early 20's girls from asia, what would you conclude (other than he is a sleaze?) is he spending loads of time online 'hook up/porn' sites? the girls are wearing clothes but of a particular type

Oldbook thanks for that article. It is spot on and has helped me immensely today. I guess I need to come to terms with never knowing what he wanted to say. Frustrating thing is if he looked me in the eyes it would all come out. Your book sounds very interesting.

Basseting are you planning to travel to him again? If his FB is full of young girls and he hooked you in when you were young it sounds like he has a preference for younger girls. He sounds very creepy if I'm honest. So is the closure meeting for you and him or does it mean total closure and he won't tutor your DS?

Oh Bassetting
I'd say he's attracted to submissive young slim girls of certain origin.

I do think some western men find it easier with docile Asian women mostly due to cultural aspect. Women there are very pleasing in and outside of bedroom, that's stereotype at least..
Not surprised about you guy actually, he does seem abusive and controlling to you...weight thing, trying to control how you dress and look etc

Has he been many times on sexhols to Thailand and similar places??

should add: we 'found' each other again via FB but he said he hardly uses it and not Messenger at all which seems true.
so I never looked around his friends list esp.
recently though I have and have seen that c. 80% of them is these girls.

Hi, I wondered if I may need to go NC with this guy. Dated for six months, he dumped me as he had a family tragedy (verified). I was gutted and as he came around to tell me,
he could see that i
was in bits. Next day, he apologised, hadn't realised I would take it so harshly but said he would love to stay friends; cinema, going out to dinner, chatting I didn't want to at this point, too soon.

FF to a few months later, I got in touch to see how he was getting on (genuine concern), we met up a few times, then he invited me over to his, I declined (made it clear that he's missed that)

So what I'm asking is, do I need to go NC or just tell him to fuck off. Yes, I would love to sleep with him, but fuckybuddy is not my name and not my agenda. Can we actually be friends, which is what I'd like, as he was great company? Thing is, it's clear he seems to have an ulterior motive and a few things he has said lately, have made it sound like he wants to 'save' me or that I'm some poor soul who needs saving. It's v strange and has been playing on my mind.

NK total closure. He will just let ds down too ;(

yes he has been open about finding younger women more attractive. and that is fine. also japanese/asian girls. he had a relationship with one for about 5 yrs and she was about 30 yrs younger than him. she is now in the uk with her mother (dont know if via him?)

he was upfront about it and that is fine (we can all find young beautiful people nice to look at) I did point out that that probably viewed him as a grandfather rather than a father even and he seemed to take it on the chin. just wondering how much time he might spend pursuing such things online? i'd assumed just porn (he doesnt have the money to take long haul trips) but perhaps you can have 'relationships/virtual sex' online? As I say, I am pretty naive about these things.

what other sites could I check? (I think I need to know)

Basseting if it helps do go visit him but you don't have to go to him. You can give yourself permission to end it here and now. Has he responded to any of your messages re: DS. If not that Is a clear indication that he is not interested in tutoring him.

Oldbook not sure a conversation would help. I think I'll have to deal with no closure. I did it 17yrs ago so can do it now again.

Basseting sorry I wouldn't have a clue about any sites he may be on but there would be no reason for a man of his age to have 80% of his FB friends as young women of a certain ethnic type other than for porn or hook ups. Does this not creep you out?

none of you young whippesnappers will tell me where to look?!
[grin

the tutoring thing is a horrible snarl. last time we met he said:
'I will but I am uncomfortable because of our recent history. what if their Dad is not happy about it? what if ds suspects?'
In turn I said: I will deal with that, I cant just cope with the thought that I have lost this chance for ds because we got intimate