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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

998 replies

Basseting · 20/01/2018 17:31

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

OP posts:
gettingthereshopefully · 26/01/2018 11:50

Thank you Basseting! It's always a relief to have your feelings acknowledged as normal.

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 11:55

I think I get what

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 11:59

I think I get what you feeling Getting
The boundaries have been crossed on their part,dont blame yourself for that.
Id think nothing but friendly of your interractions ,for now.
Once you are no longer his client,you can ask him for a drink. See what he says.If he declines at least you don't have to see him again so its easy...
You should have told the woman that house IS clean,but paintwork is old and clarify whose responsibility it is to decorate the house?
Don't read too much into it,the whole thing is really minor,not worth getting upset about it x

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/01/2018 12:07

Getting I think you're behaviour was perfectly normal. I've rented and no matter how much you clean it still looks dirty and grubby in some.

Belonger how are You?

Basseting so Sorry to hear you feel in a worse position than 15 months ago. Any plan of action?

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 12:12

I'm in a similar situation with my private physio therapist. Known him for long time through my appointments ,we used to talk about all sorts of things including private life. I fancied him a bit.
About 6 months ago he told me he split up with his partner and I'm single too. I came in (deliberately booked appointment) to discuss .Conversation turned flirty,a lot.
Anyway I couldn't mention to ask him out on a date,so messaged him later on SM if he would like to go for a drink with me.He replied he cant as regulator is very hot on subject of dating current or ex patients and hes sure I will understand.
I felt very stupid and embarrassed. I messaged saying hope no awkwardness going forward.He replied saying hes the one embarrassed more.
I had an appointment after it and deliberately avoided talking about dating,online dating anything of that sort.Thought he got the message..
I had my appointment few days ago and he outright asked me :hows the dating going? So I explained in nitshell and he told about his situation.
AIBU to be annoyed he brought that subject again? Why is he so nosy? Does he not see the boundary that should be in place? Have I misread the whole situation from the start? I thought he sees in me more than a patient but who knows.
He seem to remember every little detail of our conversation, my kids ,my work and everything else. He has hundreds of patients (at least dozens of long term patients like me )Maybe hes going through my SM?

Basseting · 26/01/2018 12:18

Teens I think the physio has his boundaries muddled not you?

He flirts. You ask him for a drink on SM.

He clearly states that he has professional boundaries, so no.

Next time you have an appointment with him he asks about your private life and discusses his?

Hmmm..... dodgy, imo.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/01/2018 12:23

I'd be really annoyed Teens. At best he is interested in his clients, at worst he knows you like him and is getting an ego boost. He is not being professional asking them questions

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 12:29

Not sure about ego boost,as when he asked me I told him I went on a date weekend before. He asked what does the guy do ? Where did we go? Was it evening or daytime date?
So if he wanted ego boost it backfired..Im not sitting around waiting him to make a move...

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 12:35

And in my personal experience I only heard this question "How's the dating going" from potential dates,when we matched up online so they try to get a feel (of what exactly I'm not sure).
So this coming from a person that clearly rejected me is very strange.

gettingthereshopefully · 26/01/2018 13:35

I'm in class for the afternoon but will answer your posts Teens.

ps Don't tell my students I'm on Mumsnet while they are doing a test Smile

Enirroc · 26/01/2018 14:44

Well we arrived... Literally the first people I saw add we came through the gates into the car park were him and his girlfriend.... I actually nearly ran them over!

The look on their faces was hilarious

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 14:55

Didn't he say he wont be around? Eni

Enirroc · 26/01/2018 16:53

Yes... Yes he did... Lol!!!
The look on his face was a picture- he obviously have expected me to arrive that really.

I can see he's in his flat from mine- he's still here.

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 16:57

Well now you know Eni he's avoiding you because he has new priorities.

Block,delete ,go full NC and move on ! For your own sanity sake Flowers

Enirroc · 26/01/2018 17:01

It's hard when I care about him...

The problem is that I think the reason he won't come near me is because he isn't over me at all and doesn't trust himself.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/01/2018 17:06

Enniroc lol about nearly running him over. Did he say hi?

I don't want to sound harsh but would he not be trying to get back with you if he wasn't over You?

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 17:17

Oh God just seen my 1 year NC guy's son passing by..he didn't pay attention, had earphones on so didn't see me.

I don't want to care but it brought memories back, I need to get calm

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/01/2018 17:49

Teens that would throw me off kilter too. Hope you're okay

gettingthereshopefully · 26/01/2018 17:50

Teens, I'm back now and have re-read your posts about your physio's behaviour which have befuddled me and I'm not his bloody patient! Do you still like him? One thing that I am clear about (having experienced it, and am currently experiencing it) is that regular/longterm one to one professional sessions, be it with a therapist, teacher, physio, etc., often create an intimate atmosphere which jars against the professional aspect of these sessions. Your physio should be the one setting limits but he's clearly a chatty man who easily oversteps into intimate subjects.

I would surmise that, like you, he felt a certain attraction and has possibly been flattered by your asking him out and although he's tried to step back into the right boundaries by refusing your offer he can't quite switch off how he feels.

Don't you find it really annoying? In some ways your situation is like mine although we've never discussed anything intimate but his body language, calling me by my first name (quite rare in France in a professional context) and compliments have confused me. I think he's a good guy but I'm irritated for allowing myself to get drawn in and befuddled. One of my colleagues, who is older than I am, has had regular contact with him in the past for concerning her parents' wills. She admitted to me the other day that she was really attracted to him because he's a good guy, bright, bla, bla, but he never called her by her first name and certainly never kissed her on the cheek. She immediately jumped to the conclusion that he might be attracted to me.

I don't bloody know. I do know though, Teens that I'll never ask him out for a drink when our work is done in April. I just can't bring myself to ask a man out. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned but it goes against my instinct. It's more likely to all die down with time. What about you and this physio?

I really, really felt uncomfortable with him being in my personal space as a professional. Why is that making me cringe so much?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/01/2018 17:54

Getting I'd say you might have felt uncomfortable because he was there viewing your house in a professional way so the balance of power had shifted. I'd hate it and would feel awkward too.

gettingthereshopefully · 26/01/2018 18:11

Exactly NK! He did it in the best possible way but that house in so many ways doesn't represent who I am simply because I've never liked it. I've never been one for revealing personal stuff about myself easily, generally speaking: it doesn't get much more revealing than the professional guy you think you might like a little seeing what bedlinen you sleep under! Smile

gettingthereshopefully · 26/01/2018 18:12

Anyway, I'm definitely going to be a little less smiley with his colleague. I'm still pissed off about the way she told me the place needed a good sweep. My floors are so clean (only recently, mind you) that I could eat off them.

gettingthereshopefully · 26/01/2018 18:15

I do realise all this is trivial. I think I'm pissed off because I threw myself into getting this house sorted; the notaire's visit was an incentive for me to do the groundwork before the move in April. I feel like a student who's worked really hard on an assignment but has got a bad mark for it.

At least, NK, me sweating over this small stuff is distracting me from my NC man's silence re: my book message.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/01/2018 18:36

I'd be annoyed as well. We moved in 2 years ago and haven't had the money to do up the house to the taste I'd like and I'm embarassed bringing people into the place because the house doesn't match my personality, if that makes sense

Teensandfuture · 26/01/2018 18:37

Getting
I still like him.
I don't think of him often because it was a clear no from his side.
But when I do have an appointment I dress nicely and have make up on lol.
The conversation flows and I know if we would be together we wouldn't be bored in each other company .
Every time I look into his eyes I feel there's some sort of attraction there and thoughts race through my head as in WHAT IF .If I wasn't his patient would we?
Couple of days after my appointments I feel weird and uneasy and I admit I stalk his fb sometimes ( he's on my friend list).
But reality is it's somehow inappropriate so I shouldn't care but I do feel something.