Please bear with me. I'm feeling confused, indignant and uncomfortable. This state has nothing to do with my NC man but is more than likely most revealing about my weaknesses.
I've mentioned once before here my 'notaire' (the legal bod who deals with house sales, inheritance and all manner of legal matters connected with financial transactions pertaining to family, estate and house buying). I've been in and out of his office over the past few months for several related matters. His older, female colleague always kisses me on the cheek when I arrive and since this summer he has done the same thing. He calls me by my first name, threw his arms around me whilst kissing me on the cheek when we wished each other a happy new year. We joke around but he is always very respectful and kind. He often comes out of his office to see me when I pop in to give the receptionist a document. I've asked a couple of my friends, who are both therapists, whether his behaviour towards me is professional (I've been living in France for 20 years but I still get confused about etiquette, etc.; what' normal and what isn't) and they've both categorically stated it isn't. Both same friends have talked to me about how I should maybe put more barriers up; not leave the door open for such behaviour. I see what they mean, I do, but I've always been a smiley, fairly open person and professionally it reaps its benefits and I don't really want to change but I'm reflecting on what they've said.
The trouble is that I have been finding myself drawn to this man but have just assumed that since we have a professional relationship and will do so until April, nothing will ever happen between us. I also assumed that he was acting like this for commercial reasons; keeping me sweet as a client, I mean. Although I'm not so sure that's all it is. My instinct is telling me it's not that clearcut.
Anyway, he and his colleague came today to value the house I'm currently living in as the owner wants to put it up for sale. This house is not in brilliant shape; it needs new carpets and parts need painting. But I've worked really hard to clean it and sort stuff out over the past few days and was quite proud of its current state. I was feeling uncomfortable about the notaire walking into this house; it felt odd him walking around my bedroom, etc, especially since I don't like this house very much.
He was lovely and kind. They both told me I'd need to do a few repairs as a tenant before leaving and then his colleague (pre-retirement and not a very happy woman) said to me "And you'll have to give it a good clean". I felt awful. I'm really done my best to spruce it up but tatty carpets and old paintwork can't be made to look light and clean. She really annoyed me because I felt ashamed when really I don't think I deserve to. Clearly my cleaning abilities don't equate with hers but I've got three children, a full-time job and a life that get in the way.
Sorry for sounding so indignant!
Also, I was thrown because these two have always greeted me with the kiss on the cheek thing but this time on arriving they reached out to shake my hand (maybe because they were on my territory instead of in their office?) It threw me because once I've got used to a certain way of doing things I get befuddled when the rules change. We ended up kissing on the cheek before and after their visit but I felt as though I was kind of instigating it, which was really weird as I would never have done that had they not instigated it in the first place a few months ago.
I'm feeling irritated by her comment about my cleaning, embarrassed because the notaire has been in my house and knows so much more about me than I know about him and befuddled by how I feel about him and more importantly what does he feel about me? Something? Nothing?
You see how insecure I am when it comes to men?
I'm so sorry this is so long but any thoughts to help me along would be so appreciated.