NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

Hi NK! Thanks for your message. Yes, I thought that too about the books.

I've just received a message (five minutes after posting) which might be from him but I don't want to open it yet.

I agree with letting it go. My feelings for him were SO strong for so long but I had layer upon layer of disappointment and frustration because all the potential between us came to so little in some ways. During the last few weeks of NC a world has unfolded around me: people showing affection, enthusiasm and love which I am receptive to simply because I'm not focussed on him. I've changed so much too, little by little. I thought a lot of my heartache was due to my father dying; to be honest a ridiculously large amount came from my feelings towards him. Once I went NC I became appeased and managed to channel my energy once spent on him onto all the things I have needed to do to move on in my life.

There is an equation: less feelings for him equals more positivity and proactivity for me. It's a winning situation.

Does any of this make sense?

There is an equation: less feelings for him equals more positivity and proactivity for me. It's a winning situation.
Does any of this make sense?
Absolutely! I feel so much happier without my NC (s). More confident, have way more self respect and in control of my life.

Teens thank you for sharing my anger! That's what I love about this thread: we can share so much in the knowledge that there will be nothing but empathy and honesty.

I don't know if he's read it or not. He was always erratic, either responding immediately or a few hours later. God, I used to be hanging on his every message. Now? I am completely lucid; no expectations, no hope, the page is turned and no feelings of love or desire. The NC has served its purpose; the dozens of beautiful moments have been snowed under by all the impossibility and frustration viewed clearly now with a little time and distance away from him.

I am angry though that he hasn't shown himself to be a good person by accepting re my books (unless I get a message later on) as I really don't want to think I've had feelings for someone who is so far down on the human empathy and integrity scale.

I loaned my chap something worth about £80 (no sentimental value).
I made it clear it was a loan though. I have asked for it back 3+ times now. I have been focussed on the tutoring stuff so have not fussed about it but it is disrespectful. I also posted him some cash (about the same amount) when he was short. He texted to say: 'thanks, arrived just in time, i'd run out of food, give me your bank details and I'll pay it back'. I didnt as it was not an issue (he would have done the same for me in the past when he had more spare) but I wonder if that would bring him out of the woodwork? (but I dont want to, its not about the stupid money its about him behaving as though I dont exist anymore, unless i pitch up in London and then he will see me but in a very cold fashion).
I texted to ask about tutoring/business
It wasnt a 'romantic' text, but it still broke NC, didnt it?
He wont reply. Yet there are other people in his life whom he would treat with more respect. That makes me angry. Pah.

Yes, Teens, it's back to being in control, isn't it? Hankering after an unsuitable person is terrifying simply because we allow them too much control over our decisions and emotions and our feelings become more and more negative.

I've never been a negative person; anxious yes, but I always try and see the positive in life. Losing my dad has certainly but a dampener on my cheery nature but thanks to this NC (and getting my iron levels back up) I'm brimming with energy and am feeling quite bouncy. For a couple of hours last night after sending him that message I felt the anxiety returning and suddenly I saw how GOOD I've been feeling since cutting all contact with him.

@JesusChristFenton not good. He's been pretty hideous tbh. I've also just discovered that he's been off work for the last two weeks- this is how he operates... So any day now he'll be telling me he can't afford the maintainance because he's losing pay our even worse, he'll lose his job. Me and the kids will be completely screwed...

And now it's only one day until I might see my NC guy.... Argh!

Basseting Not sure why you keep texting him when he doesn't reply. It's so unhealthy for you to be doing this. You don't need his help for anything. Just cut him loose. He's abusive.

Any idea what you'll do Getting?

I'll sit on it for the time being, NK. I'm pissed off but most of me isn't surprised. My message was perfectly pleasant; dismissive of what had been 'us' perhaps, but upbeat and non-accusatory.

He is a man-child, he is a victim in his mind and honestly this year I am SO not interested in people who whinge about their lot in life when, honestly, they don't have more to complain about than any of us.

Lol Getting I live with one of them but hopefully not for too much longer. The constant moaning is very wearing

In fact, and really it is the first time I've gone on about him in weeks, he's particularly complicated to grasp because he is so alpha male in many ways: deep voice, very masculine appearance, high responsibility job, loves restoring vintage cars and is fab at carpentry BUT he is like a wounded child as soon as somebody dares to disagree with him. A spoilt brat who lashes out or, in this case, sulks in his corner.

You have ALL my sympathy NK!

There is nothing more unattractive than a grown man having a temper tantrum

NK he does, he just takes a long time.

I do still need help on the issues he said he'd help on.
I have a gifted child with SEN being taught a crucial subject by a PE teacher - I dont have the funds or contacts to arrange private tuition at the level he needs which is why I contacted NC in the first place. The business Qu I could prob find out elsewhere if I tried though.

And we all have our weak moments.

OK, I'm going to confess to not liking the feelings contacting him has provoked. I was not hoping in any shape or form for something to happen between us (it's pointless hoping for the impossible) and I'm well on the road to moving on but I was hoping for a little respect on his part for what we had. I don't like feeling anger towards anyone (silly, I know) especially towards someone who has counted a lot. But, you see, I was perfectly fine being NC (despite thinking about him regularly) but now I'm unsettled and touchy. It will pass obviously.

Although I should be thinking that his silence derives more from his shortcomings and weaknesses than a particular lack of respect for me.

We sure do Basseting and I'm under no illusions that I have my own weak moments. It's just you've described him as abusive and decrepit and I think if someone is genuinely gifted they'll find their own way in life. He has a lot of power over you and I'm sure he's revelling in it but look we all have our different levels of what is acceptable so if you'd happy with that communication then that's the main thing.

Getting definitely his lack of communication is a reflection on him. I think if I'd any communication with mine now it would leave me back to square one and that's why I want him and don't want him to be contacted in equal measures. I want to be wanted but I know that's wrong so the best thing is zero contact. It's very hard for all of us

Thank you NK. Fortunately I've moved a long way on from square one. A few weeks ago my entire mood would be affected by a message from his part. I was completely addicted to him. Now? I'm finding it hard to remember why I was so completely under his spell.

I want to be you Getting. I still feel addicted although I've removed all temptation, I'm not online late at night and I'm not attending an event he will attend.Im also weaning myself off SM. Is there anything else I should be doing?

How many days NC have you achieved so far NK?

I'm at Day 24

Just accept that it will take time NK. I know you already know that.

I think what has saved me is that I could never love someone who had harmed me in anyway. Of course the key was to be aware of how harmful they were. Sometimes I've been too involved to see the potential for hurt. Now I've stepped away I can see that, despite his qualities, he is damaged (we all are up to a point) and he will never work on himself.

That's brilliant NK.