NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

WAVES at everyone. Sorry no personals tonight really tired.
Have some hideous bug plus am dram show for kids with endless rehearsals.
Just want to arrange another trip to see him. Pointlessly.
But I miss him. But the him' I miss has been packed away and I will never see it again. The person who'd meet me (if I was lucky...) is a Decrepit Old Man with a stinky attitude who would still use me for sex given half a chance. So, that's that then.

You should be proud Oldbrook. I think you handled the drinks thing well too. Not accepting your 45 min slot. That would have made him think.

Errioc how are you feeling about the possible contact Friday. I know you have planned what you are going to say... but you might not get the opportunity to say it how you planned. Is it a long speech?

Ginger glad you are a bit better today.

NK day 23 how are you tonight?

App gym is a great idea. I can't get to a gym but know exercise really helps. Plus maybe lots of nice toned gym bods to admire.

Teens how are you?

Hope nap helpedbasseting

Cross post Basseting yes decrepid old man isn't good enough for you and will not make you feel better if you do go and see him. Is there a reason he can't travel to you anyway? Not that I think you should see him.

Am in confusion central. We are meeting this weekend to talk things through.

No anger but all very confusing.

I wish we could erase all the crap and just keep the good stuff. He has at least admitted that regardless of strong feelings on both sides we need to think i things through.

I've asked my landlord to consider letting us out of our lease early.

Life's complicated isn't it?

As Dua Lipa says "if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him"

So fecking true!

Bassetting you mean abusive decrepit twat?
Ginger you mean you want to get back together with a crook that stole off you?
justremindingreasonsforNC

"If you are under him you aint getting over him"!!! so true.

Yes, Teens I guess that is the one I mean. (thank you.x)

Righto, I should be in bed. Day 12 completed.

ginger glad you are having a better day today.

basseting good to hear you sounding stronger and more in control. I'm liking the decrepit old man.

I am still struggling. Not really missing him per se but missing what I thought it was in my head. I knew it was not as I was pretending it was but hard to accept that. I don't want to spend the rest of my days single but I don't have the energy to try it again. I thought I was so lucky that I found someone. It is hard as a single parent to meet someone and do the trust thing and then be not good enough again.

Evening all. Oldbook you seem to have come to some healthy conclusions today. I think Teens is right and you should consider taking a gamble and cutting all contact to see if he walks that mile after you.

Basseting you just keep saying abusive decrepit old man it will help. He doesn't deserve you.

Anxious thanks for asking. I'm grand tonight was working late so just having a cuppa before bed. Haven't had time to think tonight so that's good. How are you?

Ginger you should sound us out about your situation he doesn't sound good for you.

Itsa so true missing what I thought was in my head. That's me 100%

Hi all! Still catching up but wanted to check in.

Have come to terms with losing him now, but I miss his touch and our chemistry and his body. My last relationship we had NO intimacy or chemistry for the last year and he made me feel so alive again - I've never been so physically attracted to anyone! But I have faith I can find someone who I have that with as well as the emotional connection I need.

Well done everyone for another day!

Sorry... Had a busy evening...

I'm going on a course at the complex where he lives and works @NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5

I've had another curve ball this evening though, my XH has suddenly added me on FB... I don't understand it. He deleted me not long after he left- which I always thought was stupid because he'd miss out on the kids pictures- so I can't understand why he's suddenly decided to readd me!

Checking in for Day 24 of NC.

Oldbook It's totally up to you so don't make any rash decisions. I know with my guy I had to walk away as I can't really deal with any contact and I'd have no qualms about telling him this either. I'd love to have the opportunity to discuss it face to face but it's not possible.

Have you considered counselling just to tease out some of the issues. I go and find it very good as she gently challenges me on things.

Hi everyone!

I’ve made the big move. Running around sorting bank accounts, apartments, phone, tax. Moving country is a nightmare! My 4th international move in 8 years..I’m done with it!

Well my Mr NC has gone back to how he was before he ghosted me. Good morning and night messages, some through the day again. He may be coming here with friends in the next few weeks and has asked if i’ll meet him. Other than that our conversations are just...banter.
I also went straight back into replying straight away, panicking when he doesn’t reply ASAP. It’s not healthy and I’m trying to pull back. I sent the last message and although it’s not one needing a reply (‘haha yeah ok ’) I’m still sat here desperately trying not to initiate.
A while ago I wrote I thought he was back with his ex. I was completely wrong about that. Social media definitely does not show what’s really going on behind closed doors.
I’m excited but nervous at the same time. I wish I could be indifferent.

enirroc what’s your relationship like with your ex in general?

oldbook I’m sorry but I agree with everyone else. If being his friend is this hard then you need to consider what’s more important. The way you feel or crumbs from him? Well done on day 5 though!

I also completely agree that we mourn a future that doesn’t exist. Realising all these promises and plans aren’t real is like a kick to the face.

I hope everyone finds today a little easier!

Oldbook
Ask him if he fancies you .
Go from there.
If it's a yes he fancies you then basically give him an ultimatum. Either he's willing to date you and take things on new level or you severing all ties.

Be prepared to follow through.

If he doesn't fancy you , you walk away too.

You have to be willing to lose status quo in order to improve situation.

I don't see how can you be happy in current set up and you need to be assertive and selfish, look after number 1.

Reducing contact will only prolong agony.

I know what I'm suggesting is brave and bold but subtle indirect approach you have been using doesn't seem to work?

As they say you need to do something different in order to get a different result, step out of comfort zone and try different ways..

Oldbook
What I see is he CAN step from friends into relationship, as hes done this before.
So last time it was a bad timing for your declaration,dont take it too personal.
Now he is hopefully wiser ..

If I were you Id try one last time to be ABSOLUTELY sure he doesn't feel the same ,so no what ifs..
And then put your walking away shoes on and wave bye-bye to him.

I guarantee he will respect you more and will see you in different light.

There's NOTHING WRONG with being honest about how you feel and being assertive about your wants and needs.

Oldbook I'm a very honest and straightforward person. My guy is as vague as can be (mostly). However he straight out asked me to meet at a hotel. I said in a parallel universe and nobody else involved I would. He replied and said parallel universes are very hard to come by. So he laid his cards on the table for me. I replied by saying that I wouldn't do it to the other people and I would develop feelings if we had that meeting. So he knows exactly where I stand. I've walked and he hasn't followed. I'm so far away now I don't think there is ever any going back. The last few times he contacted me was when we were both online late after a night out. I've not gone online when I've been up late and have received nothing so I've had to accept it's not to be. I know if I resumed contact we could meet or keep texting but I deserve more than that.

The reason I'm telling you my story is that sometimes you need to walk away. It's so hard but for your own self you deserve to meet someone who adores you. And who would run a marathon to catch you, not someone who doesn't even know if they want to be at the starting line

Goodness this week has been frantic. I haven't really known what to post here but have kept up with all your latest reflections.

So, I took the courage to send a message yesterday evening about those two books of mine (I cherish them) which I lent him last July and which he has been holding on to (they're probably collecting dust somewhere on his bedside table). Some of you will remember that I asked your opinion as to whether I should let them go or ask for them back; your responses were all 'ask for them back'.

This was my first contact since December 7 barring the NY message which he responded to quickly and enthusiastically. In this latest message I wrote (in French):

Good evening Philippe, now that we have both moved on (insert smiley face) I think it's time I got my books back. I do realise you have no desire to see me; that's not a problem! You can drop them off at bla, bla where I could pick them up. Hope all is well with you.

Sorry the translation is rubbish. The bit about him not wanting to see me was in no way a form of provocation but based on his inability over the last few weeks before my NC to pin down a time or place for us to meet up; it was glaringly obvious he didn't want to commit to meeting up.

I wasn't looking forward to sending that message because I know how erratic and unpredictable he can be; and mostly how very selfish. Well, guess what? I've received no response whatsoever. The man who lamented again and again how hurt he was that his ex had taken his valuable possessions from him and how much he wanted them back hasn't got an ounce of empathy for me now I no longer serve a purpose in his life. I did not send the message to instigate contact; that would serve no purpose to my mind. However, a tiny part of me wanted him to redeem himself or to show his ability to be human and fair.

What a disappointment!

I think that maybe his ego has been bruised (I know him pretty well) that I'm stating that I've moved on. I've provided him with no incentive or hope that I'm holding on to him somehow so that's why he hasn't responded.

What IS interesting is how I felt after sending the message. The old anxiety and obsessive streak (to a lesser extent) flared up again and I laughed at myself for getting sucked back into old habits. Thank God I have virtually no feelings left for him but how much I would have loved him to do the right thing.

So, what now? I will leave it until the weekend but I think I will send him a message; not one which shows hurt or frustration but one which makes him accountable for his actions.

Unless you disagree?

Hi Getting. Nice to see you on here. The only excuse I can think of is that he disposed of them and is too embarassed to tell you. That's me giving him the benefit of the doubt but even if that was the best case scenario he should still man up and admit it.

My advice is not to contact him and just let it go. I know the books are of sentimental value but it's clear he won't return them.

Thankfully your feelings for him have waned so should be easy enough to move forward. I want my feelings to go. How did you manage that?

Getting
Id be pissed off
Has he read the message? did you see a proof of it being read?
Id contact again in a week or so basically demanding books.
Saying without any sentimental prelude: Hi, I have contacted you re books,can you please make arrangements for me to have them back.Thanks in advance.

How dare he!!