NC Dignity Club Pt 4: The Only Way Is Up

[Basseting]

Welcome to the No Contact Dignity Club Part 4

If you are aiming for it, trying to maintain it, being 'offered' it, coming back to it... NC support is here!

Oldbook I feel for you I would have softened as well.

I think it's easy for me to be level headed because it would be blatantly wrong for he and I to get involved and it could hurt so many people.

I think all of you that are dealing with friendships or who have to deal with working with an ex or have DC with them. They are all incredibly tough situations where you have to expose yourself.

My lad lives a distance away and in a way I can choose if and when to expose myself to a meeting, to a point.

You are trying to reset your boundaries with him Oldbook. Don't be too hard on yourself. Not going is sending out a message that you are not willing to be an emotional crutch or be used.

Morning, all.
sorry I crashed and burned after long drive y'day. so so tired.

ginger
gosh you sound tired too. My ds is on spectrum (well, being assessed but its SO obvs). I suspect my exH is too (and his Dad). They clash. Except when H is trying to talk to him about trains (cos that's what his dad did when he couldn't relate). It can be exhausting being in the middle. esp when you are already tired from parenting and not getting back up / break from other parent too. Sending you many hugs.

OldBook
"It's my fault too. The way I participate in these conversations you'd never know they hurt me." Its really hard, isn't it? part of us wants to be light and breezy - fake it till you make it and part of us needs to be authentic about our feelings

NK I defo had idealise devalue discard. HE does it with everything, all 'passions' in his life but ESP women. I thought I'd be different (hollow laugh)

OldBook you did EXACTLY the right thing!
You were open and relaxed then when he made it clear he was slotting you in for 45 mins (how dare he?) you made it clear that it wasn't enough to bother with. Quite right.
I hate the 'should I have played it different' feelings though.
I KNOW if I'd played it diff HE and I would still be going through the loved up phase. But I suspect the end would be the same anyway so it would just have prolonged the agony. Hard though.

Am back to bed for a bit (I never do that!) but I am so tired.
Will pop back later.x

Yes Oldbook you need to reset the dynamic and that has started by you not going. Small victory for you and you have regained control. Now you need to figure out if this friendship is worth it because most friendships enhance our lives and aren't such hard work

Morning all
Oldbook you really shouldnt feel bad,you are resetting your boundaries and its a change , positive change for YOU and you are the main person to consider.
I think he's being an arse to allocate 45 minutes time slot.
Its one of 2 things: he either clueless about how you feel or he understands but is utterly selfish in the way he's interacting with you-he gets what he needs from you and how you feel doesn't really matter.

Which makes him a crap person tbh..

I still think you should have gone to the party,BY YOURSELF. Its your friend's birthday and event has nothing to do with him,but everything to do with said friend. You had opportunity to have fun and meet new people.Surely its good thing?

What is clear you are not ready to fullu enjoy yourself and detach from him.

Sorry but your "no initiating contact" NC doesn't look to be working- agree with NK .
Its time to be selfish and put your recovery first. Do you want to feel better? Do you think it's realistically possible to feel better when he's constantly here,updating on all details of his life,actually living his life and you wish he was with you?
Maybe you need to loose his friendship altogether in order to become happier. Its a big sacrifice of course, but you need to look after number 1.

Day 11 ladies! Have been dreaming about him all night a woke up desperate to reach out - but in the cold light of day I know he isn't interested or he wouldn't contacted me, that we are wildly incompatible in the long term given his lack of communication skills and that my life can and will be better without him in it. I think the initial flurry of pride for deleting and getting in with life has died down a bit now and I'm starting to feel the empty weekend days. But I'm trying to keep busy busy and I haven't actually been to the gym that I pay for once this year so that is certainly a place to start with filling the time!!

How are you all today?

Oldbook
Id explain to him..
Id say that you felt you could be just platonic friends with him but realised its not working for you.
Say you decided to stop communicating with him because the communication doesn't make you happy.Ask him to respect your choice,give you space as you need to concentrate on your life.
You could also say if he want s to take your relationship on another level its negotiable(dating) but friendship in current format is not something you willing to accept.
I appreciate its very straightforward but you know each other for a long time and there shouldn't be any sort of embarrassment attached to this explanation. He,in fact,should appreciate your honesty.
If he doesn't appreciate it then he's a crap person anyway and you are well rid.

Oldbook honestly I think you need to lose the friendship. He can't give you want you clearly want and you are big used as a sounding board. Are you friends long?

Teens is 100% spot on with that advice. You need to be honest and move on. It's going to be so hard I know. I can't be friends with my lad either. It's tough tough tough but you'll get there.

For you all

Love that Enirroc

for Day 12 App

Hi all. Still here! New day today and not quite as gloomy as yesterday!

Just keeping on keeping on! Thanks all x

Glad you're feeling a bit better Ginger

How are you feeling Oldbook that was probably a lot to take in

Day nine here... But now only two days until I might see him...

Well done Enirroc. Sorry I can't remember what might you see him?

Oldbook
So why after you told him you don't like talking about his dates you end up talking about it again?
How come you're in contact again?
I'm trying to figure out if you're trying to play cool or he's pushing your boundaries?
I was thinking today..wouldn't it be wonderful if you completely cut him off, end after a while he realised there's more feelings then just platonic ones, and seen you in different light? And you two end up a happy couple!

Maybe you can gamble? As it's no life for you at this moment in time..

Has he ever made a pass at you?
As in sexual remarks, saying how good you look?
Is there another way to relationship here? Through FWB situation?
Sorry if I'm suggesting unorthodox methods but was there ever a hint to this?

So were you 22 days full NC?
Did he contact you first?
How long after you resumed contact?