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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
diodati · 21/01/2018 09:55

Oops. Should have RTFT. All of it. Sorry, OP. What's done is done.

Coming from someone who's loved with all her heart and then been dropped out of the blue for no apparent reason, I can tell you that one day, hopefully soon, you'll be very glad to be done with such a selfish, cruel and heartless man. Please don't cry; I know it hurts but it's not your fault.

Wishing you peace and happiness. And a new and far, far better relationship in the future. x

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 21/01/2018 09:57

Mnah - thank god you told him where to go! Good work

FluffyWhiteTowels · 21/01/2018 10:10

OP hope you're safely with family now. You must be in shock. It is a very strange situation.

Wheresmyluck · 21/01/2018 10:23

I just wanted to say iv thought about you all weekend and I hope your safe and being looked after by family.

KindDogsTail · 21/01/2018 13:52
Flowers It was not a mistake to post. I am very sorry. You are not worthless.
Original poster
iwalyw · 21/01/2018 14:19

I wanted to write more but i was trying to pack what little I could and was upset so just gave the basics. Spent the night on my mums couch in tears most of the night. Thinking. Couldn't sleep. Not eaten since the day he booked the flight.

We were engaged for 3 years. Together for 16 all in. When we met he already owned his house and it was already furnished so i didn't need to bring much to start with. Over the years we decorated and bought a new bed. Carpets etc And smaller stuff like a new kettle was just bought as and when.

We both worked full time. I lost a job and took a while to get a new one, he was made redundant about 5 years ago and was jobless for a year until he found the job he has now. Never had much spare money. Almost lost the house at one point. Stuff always came up such as car needing repairs etc which is why we never got round to getting married yet though it was a rough plan to do it next year. Life just always seemed to get in the way of any plans we had.

I have hobbies. I did have a few friends but not the best friend kind where i could show up to stay with no notice. It was either get on the plane or stay there in silence with him.

I did send him a message last night and he has replied saying he will call me tonight to talk when he gets home from work. I know he doesn't want to be with me but i feel i need a goodbye if nothing else as i didn't even get that.

Thank you so much to everyone giving their time to read and reply. To the few who think this is not real i would be happy to upload screenshots of our texts since i left if i knew how to do it.

OP posts:
LittleLights · 21/01/2018 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vickers0009 · 21/01/2018 14:29

OP, glad to hear that you're okay. Sometimes, we do not need a goodbye or explanation, what he did was terrible. Do not allow him to talk you into packing again and going back.

Things happen for a reason and you will sooner or later find out the reasons. Be strong and take the chance to rebuild your life and trust again.

I once heard a story where a woman who had been living with her partner came home to a changed locks and her clothes were left outside in a black bag. The man had traveled abroad and this was not the first time that he had done it to his lovers.

You will heal but do not go back

newstart2018 · 21/01/2018 14:38

So very sad to read your post OP be kind to yourself and just remember that you are worth so very much more than he was prepared to give you!! 💐

fluffyrobin · 21/01/2018 14:39

I think in a roundabout way he has done you a massive favour.

Yes I know it hurts and is out of the blue but if his heart isn't in it/you he has done the right thing but in a rubbish way.

You are free to meet someone better, kinder, nicer when you are ready and who knows, he might have wanted to do this for a while but lacked the courage.

Being together 16 years, engaged for 3 is a red flag in itself...a man who deserves you won't hang about making you his wife if that's what he wants to do.

Crispbutty · 21/01/2018 14:45

I’m so sorry, the situation sounds awful. Could he have been secretly gambling and everything is about to come crashing down? It doesn’t sound like another woman but it does sound like something big has or is about to happen and he can’t face you knowing about it.

If it’s any consolation at all, I had to leave my marital home of 13 years after my ex tried to kill me after many years of mental abuse and lower level violence. I was 42, both parents dead and no family and had to leave for my own safety with nothing. He had poured oil over all my personal belongings and clothes as soon as I escaped that night. I had no job and not a penny.

I won’t say it was easy but five years later I am with a lovely partner, we have just bought a house and life is good. And I’m sure that you will look back on this at some point and your life will all be sorted out and settled.

I hope you get answers from him so that you can have the proper closure that you deserve too.

Orlandointhewilderness · 21/01/2018 14:50

god how awful. So sorry for you oP.

Christmascardqueen · 21/01/2018 14:54

Flowers be gentle with yourself.

SnapesTears · 21/01/2018 15:05

You poor thing. What a horrible thing to go through.

I really believe he is hiding something from you but not entirely convinced it’s an affair. Whatever the reason for his complete change in personality it does not change his brutal actions towards you. Even if he doesn’t love you any more he has shown no respect or care either.

You will recover from this and go on to find happiness. Be with your family now and let them comfort you.

Sending you strength xxx

Darkbendis · 21/01/2018 15:12

Be gentle with yourself. And make sure you ask him to send you everything that's yours and you didn't manage to bring with you. I'd say that he really deserves you an explanation, the only problem is that you'd never know if what he tells you is the truth. Just focus on being with your family now and taking care of yourself. Who knows, he might have done you a favour and you dodged a bigger bullet, ending out of this relationship now and not in 5-10 years' time.

Darkbendis · 21/01/2018 15:13

Sorry I meant to say "owes you an explanation"

rainbowruthie · 21/01/2018 15:23

Just sending you kind thoughts

Vickers0009 · 21/01/2018 15:24

@Cripsbutty, you may be right. Maybe he has lost the house and couldn't bear to tell OP, hence the way he reacted throwing her in the spare bedroom, deleting the pictures etc

DontDIY · 21/01/2018 15:27

I think there’s more to this than the bog standard OW scenario.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, OP. For closure, if nothing else. Flowers

ShmooBooMoo · 21/01/2018 15:41

Maybe what he didn't have the courage to tell you face to face will come out now you are 400 miles away.

Original poster
iwalyw · 21/01/2018 15:42

I can't explain why but i don't believe he has met anyone else. Can't say why i think that its just a feeling i have. I believe there is SOMETHING happening or has happened that he just can't tell me about for whatever reason. I just can't think of what it could be. He doesn't gamble. Doesn't even put the lottery on. Not a drinker. No interest in going to the pub etc.

OP posts:
Sl33pDay · 21/01/2018 15:44

I know that you want answers
I would not speak to him ever again ! (not tonight, never)
Block him on everything
Get a new phone number

His actions speak louder than words, he packed you off, on a plane after 16 years with one suitcase and no good bye or reason
I presume he gave you no money either

Please do not torture yourself, about his reasons
Speak to your family
Speak to all of us on MN
Build a better, new life

Look after number one - yourself

I hope there is Karma in this world, perhaps something similar will happen to him in the future

RestingBitchFaced · 21/01/2018 15:51

What a bastard, I think he's met someone else - sorry

Threeminis · 21/01/2018 16:01

Oh op, this is awful.
I hope you get the closure you need.
Look after yourself.

LannieDuck · 21/01/2018 16:11

Is it possible he's had a mental breakdown of some sort? Does he have any history of mental illness?

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