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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 21/01/2018 16:18

I hope he gives you some answers . I sadly doubt you will ever get the answers you deserve .

I would also ask him to forward on your stuff it’s the least you deserve and at this stage don’t care you are too hurt to care . But you will need that stuff it’s the least you deserve

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 21/01/2018 16:29

@iwalyw
I think this is why my boyfriends first thought was illness of some kind.

I don't think it sounds like an OW situation.

Perhaps he has done something illegal and cant face you finding out. Hence why he felt he had to get you out ASAP.

Perhaps bailliffs coming to clear house out?

I don't know..

Angelf1sh · 21/01/2018 16:43

I hope you get the answers you need but I doubt it. If I were you, I’d never speak to him again.

AnnieOH1 · 21/01/2018 16:48

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know I'm going against the grain here in some ways but do you think that there could be something going on along the lines of say a cancer diagnosis or something that may be triggering for you? I can imagine a scenario where someone could misguidedly think cutting out their partner would be easier than having them face the truth iyswim. I'm not saying it's right or justifiable or anything at all to cast him in a positive light, just throwing it out there are a possibility.

Yettilegs11 · 21/01/2018 16:51

What a selfish bsd and heartless to boot - how can anyone sit there deleating photos whilst sitting next to you/book you a flight jeez

He probably wanted to have a row with you so he could tell you how everything is all your fault.

Ask him to forward all you belongings (at his expense).

You will drive yourself mad trying to figure out what you have done wrong, the answer is nothing.... absolutely nothing... he says you’ve changed but can’t tell you why - this is so he can blame you. Someone has obviously changed but not you.

Stupidwife · 21/01/2018 17:12

I hope you get he answers you need to move on OP

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/01/2018 17:20

Get on that plane. Go and don't look back.
Start afresh.
If you can afford to, go travelling. Work as you go. It's healing. You are only forty and you have no kids. Go be free.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 17:22

Oh god op, I don't blame you, I could not stay there in awkward silence for 1 day let alone two weeks, in his house, not one you both own,it would really not be goid for my well being. It's good yiu had family to go to. Your well rid of him, my mums ex did that, just packed and left just like that one day, leaving her in the house they shared. Thank god that happened, and not what happened to yiu.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 21/01/2018 17:46

Yes could there be money problems involved?

Twickerhun · 21/01/2018 18:00

Hope you have some support and love from your family.

Walkaboutwendy · 21/01/2018 18:12

Could he be planning to come out as gay and wanted you out of the way before he did?

NormaNameChange · 21/01/2018 18:33

I'm so sorry OP that sounds horrendous. Glad you are with family and hope you get some answers. I do agree it doesn't sound like standard OW involved behaviour but ultimately, it doesn't matter. Your focus now has to be you. Take care of you. He made his decision and didnt involve you in the making of it. He is no longer your problem. Good Luck Flowers

FredaNerkk · 21/01/2018 18:44

Glad you got out and have your Mum.

Try to find a way to live without answers. It's hard, but it can be done.

You will never know for sure. At you best you will get half-answers and you won't know if he is being truthful. And regardless the reason/s, what has happened is so awfully discombobulating.

In fact there is very little certainty in life. We just pretend to ourselves. I hope you can pick yourself up and carry on knowing that what you have is hard, but at least 'real'.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 18:53

Maybe he has been dwelling on this for a while but it was a shock for you. Nothing wrong with feeling it had run it's course but he was an arse the way he did it.
There may not be any "reason". Try not to take it personally. Be angry how he did it but then try to let it go. You have a bright future ahead of you. Not the one you expected but it can be as good, or even better. All the best for a bright and happy future.

Original poster
iwalyw · 21/01/2018 19:22

He just called. We spoke for an hour. He was crying through most of it. Said he's a dick. That he regrets the way he did things but he said the night just escalated and he booked the flight because he didn't think i would want to stay after him telling me he no longer loved me etc

I asked him if it was true that he had no feelings left for me at all and he said he did have feelings for me which confused me a lot.

He said he has things he needed to work out in his own head and he went about it the wrong way.

He said there is nobody else. He also said there is nobody that caught his eye that he wants to be with. I believe that part.

He said he was at work yesterday and broke down. His manager saw him and he told his manager he told me to leave and forced me to go on a plane to my family. He got sent home. He has not told his parents yet.

I said if there was any chance at all for us to work through any of this then he would have to give everything up like i did and he could come to me.

He asked for a few days to think. I told him he had given me a few hours to pack and leave so i would give him an hour to call me back and either tell me everything or we go our separate ways and i block him. He is calling me back in an hour. I just dont want it to drag out any longer than it needs to. Just tell me and get it out of the way or leave me alone. All or nothing.

OP posts:
CandleWithHair · 21/01/2018 19:29

Oh iwalyw - I wish I could give you a hug!

Whatever he’s ‘working through”, his actions are inexcusable. I hope you will hold him to your word and cut him off. What exactly could he say to you right now that would make what he did acceptable?

Stay strong lovely

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 19:29

But you don't want him to make a hasty decision to get back with you that he soon regrets.

StaplesCorner · 21/01/2018 19:35

OP if you do decide to try again (and I don't think you should) but if you do, please still have that time apart. Even if he goes to a hotel and you stay in the house.

But don't get back together with him immediately - things will come out over the next few hours and maybe even days. I think the fact that he forced you out rather than said I'm afraid I'd like to split up lets talk waves all sorts of red flags.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2018 19:36

What a jerk, crying on the phone to you, using you as his emotional dumpster.

I think your response was really strong.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2018 19:37

Maybe his Plan B decided she was not going to move in after all...

Courgetti2203 · 21/01/2018 19:39

What @staplescorner said Smile

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 21/01/2018 19:40

How would you ever trust him OP? He kicked you out of your home after 16 years together with less than a day’s notice, no explanation, no compassion at all. How would you ever relax in your relationship knowing what he was capable of? You would be on your last nerve every time there was a row or he was acting strange. You’ve left with your dignity. Don’t throw it away on this heartless bastard. Make a new life’s for yourself now. He has blown it.

Vickers0009 · 21/01/2018 19:41

Are you going to take him back? Maybe you were the one who failed to see the signs and it looked like he has bottled it up for so long and made up his mind to be strong. Sometimes, I am not saying you OP, just sometimes we are so oblivious to what is actually going around us and we do not see till someone explodes.

Personally, I think you both need time apart and getting back together will be something that you will regret in the long run.

Golddustsilverspring · 21/01/2018 19:41

I was stuck in a carousel of "we will won't we" get back together for 4 fucking months after my not so nice ex chucked me out of his flat with a bag of clothes at 3am cus he was pissed...

He's made his bed. You're not his counsellor. You're the injured party. He's not crying for you. He didn't cry when he drove you to the fucking airport.

He sounds manipulative and likely to drag this on for months... Don't let him

Darcychu · 21/01/2018 19:41

im literally sat here crying reading your Post, i cant imagine what drives a person to do that to someone they have shared there life with for that long! It really makes me think that i dont know people at all... i am so sorry OP

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