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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
CharizMa · 20/01/2018 23:41

yes, anybody in this situation will have been through more than enough. She said she feels worthless, do not compound that feeling by disbelieving her because in your opinion, based on not knowing the details you think x, y or z.

Perhaps her job was not a job worth staying for. Perhaps it was a new job. Perhaps she was inbetween jobs.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 21/01/2018 00:25

She’d lost her job because she was sick

GreyGardens88 · 21/01/2018 00:40

It's not easy but do the best you can to forget about him and move on with your life. He'll come crawling back in a year or two with the "Hey how are you doing?" texts when things don't work out for him, and then you'll have the satisfaction of telling him to fuck off

indichica · 21/01/2018 00:41

OP, sorry you had to go through such heartbreak. I really hope your fiancee will come to senses. But if he doesn't, please spend this time to build a life for yourself. 16 years is a long time, you deserved answers from him for giving him all these years. He is a fool and I hope one day he will regret this massively.
Sending you a big hug and hope you have a place to stay.

Christmascardqueen · 21/01/2018 00:43

i can easily see it; from a different country (home 400+ miles away), lost her job due to illness and probably was working more than 40 hrs a week, home the rest of the time catering to her fiancé.
sadly she should have confronted the fiancé long ago...either make it formal or move on.
engaged for 16 years is a big red flag to me that he is not invested in the relationship.
i bet he was only interested in her earnings :(

SteamyBeignets · 21/01/2018 00:49

This is one of the most horrible things I've read on MN. I hope you are ok, OP. Sending you loads of hugs Flowers

I agree with PPs. Either he has a mental breakdown or there is definitely some other woman/man.

StaplesCorner · 21/01/2018 00:56

I think the OP said when she got home she'd have to apply for local authority housing so I am thinking maybe she is in the UK but going from one end of the UK to another?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 21/01/2018 07:51

Something has happened... putting your hand on your heart, this is a great shock I know but, is he the kind of cold calculating person who can keep himself under control/wait when he is planned for a desired outcome? If so I understand (although I do not comprehend or condone) that he may have wanted to keep things calm at home for his own comfort, until your flight home was hours away.

But if he is not the calculating type who can keep his game to himself and he has shown you he loves you through the difficulties you have had over last year, I wonder if something bad has happened to him, he is breaking down and is trying to get you out of the way to protect you.

But either way, you cannot go back to him at all, because no matter if there were good or bad reasons for his behaviour, he has ended this relationship in the worst imaginable way. By denying you a reason, he will make it very difficult for you to get closure, so I suggest you start writing what he has done and every single nasty, selfish or annoying thing he did and keep that paper safe, as it will help you to keep your focus at the time when all the questions in your head and the pain of loosing him make your brain construct a nicer version of him that was never there.

Take comfort in the company of your family. And remember, someone who can be so cold and cruel ending a relationship this way has just shown that you are not the problem, he is.

Shadow666 · 21/01/2018 08:18

What an utterly heartless thing to do. Sad

I think you’re doing the right thing in leaving and going to your mums. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it now but you can rebuild your life. Many people these days are starting over at 40.

If I were you, I’d block him. Change your number, change your email. Get back a little control.

lynmilne65 · 21/01/2018 08:26

How are you today,?I have been thinking of you xx

Ecummin · 21/01/2018 08:30

I’m so sorry to hear that :( a couple of years ago now just before Christmas my mum came home from work to a letter from my dad and he had just left saying the same thing pretty much, they were coming up to 40 years. He said it wasn’t the same, he wasn’t happy blah blah blah. He had packed up all his things when she was working and just left to some placenta he had started renting a few weeks before he left. He said to all of us there was no one else but it all turned out to be a lie, there was, some old college woman he had got back in touch with. He’s been gone now for 2 years and I don’t see him much but I am starting to finally understand, I just hate him for all the lies. Your fiancé may be telling the truth but if he’s not he probably will eventually, the truth always comes out. If you don’t get back together just remember that everything happens for a reason and you need to build and learn from it. My mum is still very hurt and angry but she has a lovely little house on her own, does what she wants when she wants and is just living her life now, that’s all she can do. Life does move on, no matter how shit it seems, but be strong!

metalmum15 · 21/01/2018 08:32

Hopefully op will connect to some wifi today and come back and update us.

lynmilne65 · 21/01/2018 08:40

Where are you roughly?

CharizMa · 21/01/2018 08:44

Yes eccumin somebody up thread speculated that he is seeing somebody else who issued him with an ultimatum. It is the only reason he'd have to erase a ltp so quickly and coldly. He was planning a weekend dinner out with her 48 hours ago. An ultimatum makes a lot of sense.

On another note, hoping a little humour is acceptable, I can't believe your phone thought it would 'help' you out by writing placenta for place! No it thought. You don't mean place! You meant placenta Brew

OP hope you landed safely and you feel a bit better back with your mum

Wheelerdeeler · 21/01/2018 08:49

Are you in contact with his family?

ValMc1 · 21/01/2018 08:51

Similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago - only difference was I owned the house and we were married - it was like a switch had been flicked and a stranger stood before me - Nasty cold and completely without emotion. We had to live together for several months while my house was sold and I could pay him a hefty six figure sum - during this time i found out there was someone else and the day he moved out of mine he moved in with her with a stash of cash - men like these two are spineless gits. Get some legal advice - the first half an hour is free. I am a much happier person now but don't think I'll ever completely trust another man - good luck - you have a journey ahead of you but you will get there xxx

mnahmnah · 21/01/2018 09:33

Could it be that he is actually doing this to save or protect you from something else going on with him, that you don’t know about? That happened to me years ago. Everything fine and normal, then he suddenly announced he didn’t love me anymore and it was over. Months later he turned up, telling me it was all lies and he only said it gecause he knew it was the only way I would leave. He thought it was best for me in the circumstances, so pushed me away so I could be happy

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 21/01/2018 09:37

Mnah - are you the biggest mug in the world?!

diodati · 21/01/2018 09:37

Don't shed a tear over this scumbag. Tell him to shove his plane ticket up his arse, Then say he can tell you what to do but you aren't going to listen. Tell him to find somewhere else to stay while you sort yourself out, otherwise you won't leave. He may well own the place but if you must have contributed to its maintenance and upkeep so it's yours as well.

Battleax · 21/01/2018 09:38

Could it be that he is actually doing this to save or protect you from something else going on with him, that you don’t know about?

Huh?

No he's doing it because he's mentally checked out of the marriage already and thinks he can do what he likes.

mnahmnah · 21/01/2018 09:39

Rainbows - I wasn’t justifying it! I meant in their head, they see it that way. Clearly ridiculous. I told my ex where to go when he came crawling back

mnahmnah · 21/01/2018 09:41

Battleax - I mean he’s hiding something from her

Battleax · 21/01/2018 09:43

Well that's a safe assumption.

SarahBeeney · 21/01/2018 09:45

Poor you OP.
The same thing happened to me many years ago. It was a huge shock and I had no idea there was anything up. We'd bought a house two months before he told me.
I suspect he met someone else but I'll never know.
💐

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 21/01/2018 09:48

I told my boyfriend about this situation and his first thought wasnt that he had met someone else but that he had discovered he had a terminal illness (???!). Just thought I'd put that out there.

I hope you're okay OP and that being with family is bringing you some comfort.

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