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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/01/2018 19:42

That was a great response.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 21/01/2018 19:42

How difficult, I’ sure you found that call heartbreaking and terribly confusing.

One word of caution, if you have been a source of support for him during the relationship, you may feel desperate to run to his side and help him navigate this situation or support him because he is upset. Don’t.

Let him come to you. I really don’t think he will ring in an hour, not because he doesn’t care but because he needs to go into his man cave for a few hours to sort his thoughts and he can’t do that in an hour.

I do, however, think that your response was the right one. He either opens up, put all his cards on the table and explain what on Earth is going on or fuck off. He has no right to bring more misery to you while he is sorting himself out.

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/01/2018 19:43

Don't go back, even if he begs. He is not going to figure himself out in a few hours or days. You'll go back and end up getting thrown out again.
Go non-contact and then take off somewhere alone. Sort out your own head and what you will put with.
You have nothing to tie you down.

juneisthemonth · 21/01/2018 19:44

Hope your feeling a bit better after talking with him xx

JaneEyre70 · 21/01/2018 19:53

Well done for being so strong and demanding answers Flowers. If you do decide to go back, please be careful and make arrangements for financially protecting yourself so he can't ever do this to you again.

Greatestshow · 21/01/2018 19:54

I wonder if he will tell you the truth or a version of it.

AaronPurrSir · 21/01/2018 19:54

Please don’t take him back. He has proven how heartless, callow and cruel he can be. He is no partner to you.

You deserve so much better. Carve out a new life for yourself - a job, new friends and hobbies either in your home country or somewhere else. The world is your oyster.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 20:00

I would not take him back after that, he has shown how callous and nasty he can be. Certainly not living with him. Have your own place, even if it's HA or council.

muttmad · 21/01/2018 20:00

How could you every really trust him after this? What if it happens again? He's left you with literally nothing after all these years of a relationship.
As much as you're hurting, confused and probably desperately wishing none of this had happened, it has and you need to go into any reconciliation with your eyes wide open!

serialcheat · 21/01/2018 20:03

Follow your gut instinct. If you feel you can make it work, and it’s what you want, go for it......

But get an open air ticket, you could be making and taking lots of flights.

expatinscotland · 21/01/2018 20:04

He's a lying arse. This happened to a friend of mine. He threw her out like that. They ended up getting back together and eventually marrying. We all hated him because he was a controlling bastard. She finally wised up and they split.

Bug81 · 21/01/2018 20:05

So cruel and mean, so sorry OP. Sending hugs

Galwaygirl · 21/01/2018 20:14

Thinking of you, do what's best for you x

Shadow666 · 21/01/2018 20:43

It’s sounds like he’s having some kind of mental breakdown. Shock

I bet his boss was horrified by what he did.

This doesn’t seem to be about you. I think he needs to sort himself out first before I’d ever consider going back. Has he had mental health problems in the past that you know about?

eloisesparkle · 21/01/2018 20:52

Is he in a different country OP ?
Are you in the UK?
Could he involved in something dodgy and your life was at risk ?
Could he be in trouble with the police and wanted you gone.
16 years together- his family, your friends. A long time

Long engagement, red flag for me.
Did you want children ?

Greatestshow · 21/01/2018 20:53

While it could be some kind of depressive episode or crisis, he had the presence of mind to book op a flight, inform her of his decision to end the relationship and actually drive her to the airport.

Sl33pDay · 21/01/2018 20:54

Op you need to get angry. He had 16 years to marry you and care for you in a loving relationship. He had his chance. Please do not give him a second chance. Start a new life, there are better people out there. Just tell him it's over.

Charismam · 21/01/2018 21:03

I know it would be really hard to raise your boundary high and keep it strong when you're feeling so confused and shocked but don't let him have a second chance. Even though initially it might be a relief, you'd end up unable to ignore his cruelty and his confusion or his deception. It's ONE or the other.

I'm afraid it popped in to my head that something deeply shameful is about to come out about him. An allegation of rape, children abused material on his computer. I don't know, maybe that sounds v dramatic but if you're absolutely certain it's not a new woman then he wanted you out of the way quick smart.

I also think that if he was SO certain he wanted you gone, he'd be feeling relief. Guilt, one would hope too for having handled it so badly but surely relief too. He wouldn't be crying at work if he was hard hearted enought to do this to you then I don't think he'd be breaking down at work. I think it might be FEAR. Of what who knows.

Charismam · 21/01/2018 21:04

While it could be some kind of depressive episode or crisis, he had the presence of mind to book op a flight, inform her of his decision to end the relationship and actually drive her to the airport.

Exactly. :-(

Sl33pDay · 21/01/2018 21:08

Secondly, he sounds like he could be slightly dangerous to other people or himself. So I would recommend staying away from him. It sounds like he needs time to sort himself out

TemptressofWaikiki · 21/01/2018 21:32

When I read this, I thought that OP’s partner might have had some very bad news. His behaviour seems so OTT, like a cartoon villain to maybe mask the turmoil he might be feeling. A friend of mine went through something a bit similar with a sudden and very unpleasant split. Her partner turned from a warm and caring partner to a cold, heartless bastard. We were all speechless by his callous behaviour. In his case, he was diagnosed with a tumour that was not only inoperable but he was told he would slowly lose all motor-neuron functions and require intensive round the clock palliative care. He completely lost it at the thought of his partner having to wipe his shit away (his words when eventually, he came clean to mutual friends). This may not be at all what all of this is about but I was immediately reminded of it.

lolitsok · 21/01/2018 21:32

Sending hugs op
Xx

Sugarman86 · 21/01/2018 22:24

I couldn't forgive someone as callous as this. Packed you off on a plane like a "nobody", deleted photos in front of you etc when you have been together 16 years. Wow if that's how he treats someone he loves, dread to think how he would treat someone he didn't like!

I'd put big money on another woman in the sidelines, be careful you don't do the pick me dance now.

Onecutefox · 21/01/2018 22:34

Op, it looks like you want him back even after what he did to you. Why? Have some pride. It's not like he is the last man on this planet. His actions were truly revolting and so he is. It's good his office knows about what he had done to you. He will soon be looking for a job to run from shame.

MargotMoon · 21/01/2018 22:34

This is such a shock for you OP. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Unfortunately I agree that it's very likely that there is someone else. My ex-H went really cold on me and swore blind there wasn't someone else until I worked out who it was (a work colleague). I said to people 'I do actually believe him' when he was doing the denial, until it suddenly dawned on me who it was. Then it all came out. Sadly it's a tale seen on here time and time again.

I hope your mum is giving you loads of support and looking after you. Be kind to yourself Thanks