worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

He sounds incredibly insecure and jealous . That's why he is worrying about who you are texting and talking to . He is controlling your money to control you . Sounds grim !!

Especially if he reckons his current behaviour is him 'trying' and being a 'good husband'. If this is as good as it gets with him... Early stage of marriage, him doing his best, no stress of children... It will only go downhill, I promise.

Never think YOU can make this work.
He is an ABUSER!!!
Something deeply ingrained in him.
YOU cannot change him.
You need to get out.
You are so young.
He will find more and more to isolate you and lower your self-esteem.
Do NOT let a man do this to you.
He is just a man.
You do NOT need him.
Please call Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247 - they can set you straight on what you are putting up with.

How can you possibly make this work? You've tried several times and if anything he is getting more and more controlling. The fact that the first thing he asks when you make contact is whether you are texting illustrates that.

Please stop thinking that if you split up it's somehow your fault. What you have told us about his behaviour makes it 100% his.

You are right. He is controlling and WONT change. Listen to your gut. A loving partner would not do these things. You sound like you are in a very vulnerable position. Why is he giving you pocket money? Do you not have your own money?

I do arn my own money but he expects this to go on house bills etc

Not only have you married the wrong guy, you’ve married a controlling, abusive shit!

How much do you both earn? Your bills can't be very much if you've been gifted a house so no mortgage or rent to pay. How much is he left to spend on himself?

You'll be just so much better off without him. You'll look back on this and wish you'd got rid sooner.

So all your money goes on bills? What about his?

So why has he decided you now only get £75 or the heat is too high or the bath is full enough. Shouldn't you get a say in any of these decisions?
He's isolating you from anyone else who could help you see the reality of the situation. Life is good for you both as long as you do things his way. You don't want to disagree with him as you don't want to rock the boat. I could go on...
But you want to make it work and not just give in.
But
You can't make it work on your own unless you do exactly what he wants. You are not a miracle worker. You can't make him change. He just isn't in your control. The only thing you can control is your reaction and that will only get harder as time goes on.

Every day you stay with him is another day of him gaining further control. When you challenge him, he might retreat or gaslight you, but over time things will get more & more restrictive. You will only see how bad it is when you look back.
You are in a horribly abusive, controlling relationship & such is the extent of his control & manipulation, that you are not sure it's that bad.
ITS REALLY, REALLY BAD.
He doesn't give a shit if you are cold, or without money, or unhappy. He may have looked after you when you were ill because you were vulnerable & that's how he likes you.
He will keep knocking you & messing with your head until you don't know who you are anymore.
I guarantee when you get pregnant (& eventually he will get you pregnant even if you don't want it) he will get violent.
You are in serious emotional, psychological & physical danger.
Leave, leave, leave.
You don't have to explain & you owe him nothing.
You deserve better. Good luck.

our combined income is around £3k/month. He doesn't really spend anything on himself...

Ribbon you can make this work but only if you entirely give up who you are. If you make him feel as if he's the best husband in the world and everything within the relationship runs on his terms - With him never having a second thought as to whether you're happy. Then your marriage will be perfect ... for him ... which is all he cares about. Please listen to me, I know. It's too late for me I am now completely trapped. You still have so many options, so much life in front of you. Don't waste any more time. I understand that you feel silly leaving so soon and yes he will make out to everyone that you're crazy and you left him over your phone and you must have been cheating but does it matter you'll be free?

This thread is very stressful to read. I feel like we are all screaming "Leave" because it's so horrendous but it's hitting a glass wall with the op slowly burning to ash behind it.

For fuck sake, leave this horrible person and have a LIFE.

And if you sorted out everything to do with your grandad and his debt, which is difficult and impressive, then you are a strong and capable person. You are. If you believe you are not it's becuase he is grinding you down. You can do this. It is not a failure. It is not your fault.

You have no Rent and £3000 cash a month...
What the heck is he spending it on.

So all your money goes on bills and maybe(?) some of his but the rest he gets to keep for himself and gives you pocket money? Does that not seem odd to you?

Arsehole!

sorry don't mean to annoy or frustrate anyone, it's just hard when you're actually in the situation. I know if it was a friend of mine saying this, I'd be saying what you're all saying...

Anyway am having it out with him tonight not that I think it will change anything

well no, his income is also paid into joint account. we have spent quite a bit on things for the house recently like new sofas etc but apart from that surplus money just stays in account

And how the hell are you left with £75 a month with a 3K joint monthly income and no mortgage? That is ludicrous! Does he pay for nothing? Is he squirrelling his miney away sonewhere? I live in a southern city. High council tax, pay a mortgage etc. Dh and I each put £800 per month into a joint account. From this goes all bills, mortgage, food shops, petrol etc. Everything we each earn over £800 stays in our own accounts. We agree holiday budgets and save for them separately and equally. If I earn less one month and he earns significantly more he will cover extra and vice versa. If DH dared tell me how much money I could spend on myself after bills are met I would go apeshit. Your situation is so abnormal and unfair. It's financial abuse. You are young, you don't have kids. This is the one time in your life you can and should be frivolous!

OP - you say you have had a difficult year, you coped with that, you can cope with this. He is awful. He is trying to isolate you from your friends by being rude to them. Do not let him make you doubt yourself - you know this isn't normal.

What would happen if you got your phone out, and when he starts you say something like 'I can go on my phone whenever I like thanks, I don't need your permission'. Stand up to him, or leave

Sorry cross post

You cant make this marriage work. You are living with a narcissist who is already controlling your finances, when and if you can see your friends, or check your phone, or work, what clothes you buy/wear.

Please see this for what it is. You cant ever win and this is what they do. Lots of nice things that you then accept the bad, this leads to less nice things and more bad.

like i said we both pay our incomes into joint account and bills etc come out for that. we spend etc on stuff for house and holidays recently. But i still think I could be allowed more than £75 a month...
we also save £500/month