worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

But if you have access to the joint account why does he need to gift you £75???? Can’t you just spend what you want from the joint account if both your wages go in there?

Every day you stay with him is another day of him gaining further control
And of course every day you stay means you've been together longer and he has more of a claim on YOUR assets!
I don't think you are understanding how bad this is because it's been your normal since you were a child.
Do NOT inflict this hell on any other child.

So who earns more or is it an even split?

If you really can't leave yet then sit down and have a conversation regarding money.
Joint account, you both put in equal % of salaries to cover the house and bills. So of the £3K - if he earns £2K then he puts twice as much in. If you have enough you then put some into another joint account for savings.
The rest you split 50:50 and do what ever you want with it.
Honestly, just my hair costs me £65 a month.
I'd never be OK with £75 a month.

So £3K - £1.5K on bills etc.... Leaves £1.5K
£500 goes into savings.
You then get £500 each to do what you want with.
That maybe saving it for a holiday or just for a rainy day.
Or putting it aside for something expensive for the house.
Or you feel like treating yourself and you go and spend it all on clothes and nice lunch with a friend.
Seriously - £75 a month is NOT OK!!!

I would try going to a counsellor and getting everything out on the table and if he changes completely and apologies then you may be able to work it out. But he isn’t being nice to you at all from your post.

I just wanted to wish you all the best whatever happens x

Well you need to get all your point across. And if he denies it or has excuses you say "just because you don't think it's a problem doesn't mean it's Ok, to me it is not and you are making me unhappy" . You will have a bath with as much water as you like, you will text whoever and whenever you want, you will have heating on if you are cold. Etc etx but if i were you id be telling him its over.

Oh so he tells you you are not “allowed” to spend more than £75?

So have it out with him. You know he won't change, and when he doesn't, will you then leave? Or will you just resign yourself to a lifetime of misery? @Whisky2014 has it right. This is tremendously upsetting.

You married your dad.

Op, this man is not your friend, he is an enemy of your psyche.

He is very likely to use other means of knowing what you are up to, what you think etc. He appears to be the type of person whom would install key logging soft wear on your devices. Also if you share an internet connection, ie home Wi-Fi, he could if he put his mind to it read everything you type, every email that you send over the Wi-Fi. From now on use your mobile network unless he has access to your phone bill. Get an email account that he doesn't know about and use it for anything escape orientated. Make sure that you change all of your passwords.

Get one step ahead of him and keep putting those steps in between you and he.

Do not leave your browsing history on your devices, some browsers will let you browse in incognito. That means your browsing history is not being saved. But always check and clear as a matter of course.

You do not want him to get a whiff of any escape plans until you are ready.

because if i just spent money out of the joint account on a dress or something, he would most likely be annoyed, saying it's a waste and that i don't need that so giving me 75 into my own account was supposed to be so that he wouldn't judge me..

he would go insane if i spent 65 a month on hair (not judging hells bells)that's just the way he is. Equally if I went on a spree and treated myself to a bunch of new clothes he would be annoyed even though we can afford it...

You have been through so much worse. Leaving your husband will be so much easier. It's the first steps that are the hardest. I would suggest you go and see a solicitor first and know precisely where you stand. Then when you come to discuss it with your husband you will do it with the strength of knowledge about how your future will look.

Many of us on here have left partners, all for different reasons, all seemingly impossible at the time. Like us, you can do this. You will be so much better off when you are out the other side.

You are only 25 and life with your husband should be bloody fantastic. That it is not at such an early stage with no child worries does not bode well. If you waiver remind yourself it will be so much easier to leave now than if/when you have children.

You have all your life ahead of you. Grab it by the balls. Get rid of this waste of space and go and find yourself. You've written what you have had to cope with so I know you have the strength to do this. Believe in yourself and believe that you deserve so much more than this.

You are right OP, its so easy for us to post on here & I totally get that it's so much harder to have clarity when you are in the marriage.
If you have it out with him tonight, he WILL convince you that you are wrong, whilst conceding just enough to keep you hooked in. Then, just as you relax, it will get worse.
...& you will keep going & keep going with this cycle until you are utterly defeated.
He won't be satisfied until he has You isolated & too worn out to protest any more.
You will not gain insight from 'having it out' with him.
Get away to see your friends & keep talking & keep posting.
Anyone reading this thread can see that you must leave...how long & how much worse does it need to get before you realise this yourself?

But that’s not normal. It’s not healthy. You are an adult. You earned that money it is yours to spend on what ever you like. Why does he have a say?

Re. money. Your salaries should go into your own separate accounts. You work out the cost of all bills, mortgage and any luxuries you like to treat yourselves to (like a curry not a holiday). Then work out what the fair contribution is depending on who earns more(me and my partner are 40/60). We have a standing order set up to put this contribution into our joint account and anything left in our own accounts is for us to do as we please. Why are you not doing this?

Think how you would reply to a friend if they had told you all this, the. Act on it yourself. You know he won't change, in your heart, you've seen it all before with your father. It really doesn't matter how long you've been married, better to pull out quickly than be pulled down yourself.
You know what you need to do really, so do it. It will be difficult, but your real friends will stand by you, and support you. If they don't, you don't need them.

Kick the abusive fucker out. The more you post, the worse it is.

Basically it sounds like your money is going directly to him. He has total control of it. It is a “joint” account in name only if you are not actually allowed to freely access the money.

I'm so depressed for you reading this full thread. You have a house that is yours so many woman who are being abused like this, yes OP it's abuse, don't have a house to stay in and have to flee to a woman's refuge. Kick the waste of space out and find a man who will want to run you a hot bath at the end of the day, not make you have a cold one. He's an abuser you don't have to be a victim

Jesus christ, even your language "But i still think I could be allowed more than £75 a month..." ALLOWED? Allowed should not feature in your language about your marriage! This is so wrong. I am going to have to step away as I find it so difficult, so upsetting and angering to see young vulnerable women being abused like this. And it is abuse which you are minimising. I really don't think all the people on here and all your friends and family can make a difference. Just... I wish you well and will hope for the best for you. (Last word though - please please, if you won't leave, go on the pill and don't tell him and seek counselling. It would be indescribably awful to have a child in this relationship.)

Why would he be annoyed?
You are a grown up.
It is your money.
This is what we are trying to tell you OP.
Who gives a flying fig if it would 'annoy' him?
Fuck him.
You are allowed some comforts and luxuries in life.
Jeez life would be shite if we weren't allowed that!
That is NOT normal.
Him going mad if you bought a dress = NOT NORMAL
Him going mad if you got yourself and nice new wardrobe you could afford, with your own money = NOT NORMAL
Him controlling all the money = NOT NORMAL
You not being allowed to text = NOT NORMAL
Do you see where I'm going with this....?????

I just don't understand why he's like this... why does he have such an issue with me texting or seeing people who are important to me? Why can't he just be normal?

You need to sort this out because if you have children and at a sahm you are doomed !!

It doesn't matter. He isn't. You need to get rid of him

FWIW a lot of my friends husbands are a bit like this . Lovely on the surface but I wouldn't want to be married to them !!

Because he's not very nice.
Ppl are the way they are because of a complex interplay of almost infinite factors. It doesn't matter 'why'. He is.

My best mate is still being harassed by her ex bf who was sort of like this and she split up with him years ago. She also tried to find out 'why' and helped him go to counseling etc. It made things worse tbh. He didn't have one particular issue, he was just a total arsehole.

He is not normal, don't bother to try and understand men like him. He just is.

Get out, get yourself safe.....then do the brain twister that is his personality..... that is the point when you do the freedom. programme