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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worried i may have married the wrong man...

588 replies

Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 11:30

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

  • he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.
  • Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(
  • The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...
  • Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 16/01/2018 16:31

just worried about leaving because just not sure how it would play out

This is why you need to get some advice from women's aid and a solicitor. So you find out how to go about getting him out of your house and away from you.

namesnotmine · 16/01/2018 16:38

You have made the first step by recognising this behaviour as wrong and not thinking he's right and you need to try harder.
Speaking as someone 20 years down the line who now sees no way out, no longer recognises the person she used to be and a life wasted on someone who will never change ( no matter how much they tell they will/have) - please leave now.

pinkbraces · 16/01/2018 16:40

OP, I am going to be blunt, forgive me.
Please stop fucking around and get out, he is already nasty, abusive and controlling. You have 8 pages of people telling you it will not change. You are not going to be the woman who changes this cunt of a man into a normal human being.
Nothing else matters apart from getting rid of him now - do you seriously want to put any future children through this abuse. If you don’t leave now that will happen.
Find the courage and do it Flowers

Pollaidh · 16/01/2018 16:40

He's controlling you, isolating you, undermining your confidence, jealous, the beginnings of financial abuse. This is not a normal relationship.

Talk to those friends you trust. Plan to get out. I really don't see how this will improve. He's showing so many danger signals and it's good you've started to realise now, before life gets more complicated.

Watch your contraception carefully. Make sure he can't trap you by getting you pregnant. If you use condoms/withdrawal could you secretly take the pill as a back up?

greenmagpie · 16/01/2018 16:53

I wouldn't put up with this behaviour from an acquaintance let alone someone who was supposedly in love with me.
You won't change him, he's a dickhead, this is not what any relationship should look like. Leave asap... You know you want to.

YippeeKiYayMelonFarmer · 16/01/2018 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 16/01/2018 16:57

Whenever you doubt yourself ask yourself this question:

Would you treat him this way? If not, why not?

Hesburger · 16/01/2018 16:58

Please leave - you deserve more than this.

Can you speak to your friends for support on how to go about it?
If not Women's Aid.

Get out and do not look back.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 16/01/2018 17:09

Run for the hills OP, this is bad

TheTeaFairy · 16/01/2018 17:10

Ribbon14

You sound so scared when you talk of leaving your H but please believe me when I say that your life will become a whole lot scarier if you stay. I've been where you are now (and spent many years wishing I could leave before I did).

He is not a good man.
He is not consistently kind to you.
He does not have your best interests at heart.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste another day on this vile man. Courage Flowers you can do this.

tootiredtospeak · 16/01/2018 17:12

Just go to your freinds for some support whilst you make it clear to him he must pack up and leave your house. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time but that just tells me that your strong to have got through all that sure you can find that strength again.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 16/01/2018 17:15

It sounds like your friends love you and look out for you. They have seen what he is like and will be overjoyed if you leave him. You are not alone, use the support of those who you trust.

nc1984 · 16/01/2018 17:17

If you WERE texting when he called I'd be worried that he's put a key logger on your phone, or some other sort of tracking device (not very techy so I don't know much about these things).

Be very careful as this sort of behaviour is very common in controlling men. You do need to leave him - this will only get worse.

alotalotalot · 16/01/2018 17:19

It might be worth changing your password on mumsnet just in case.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 16/01/2018 17:19

First thing is to collect all documents you need and second is to go to a solicitor and get some advice. Knowledge is power. Once you know where you stand you can tell him that you plans for a future without him. You need to get to a point where you no longer care what he says and what he does because it will all be designed to rattle your cage. It can be a slow dawning but the sooner you get there, the sooner you will start to feel strong, angry and capable.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/01/2018 17:20

Wow, was literally just having a nice chat to you and you do that
And your response should be
'NO - you were checking up me. Telling me what to do. Making assumptions on what I'm doing, just like you always do. I will text when I want and who I want and I don't have to tell you about it. I am a grown woman with my own thoughts and actions so stop doing it'
Then make your plans to get him the hell out of YOUR house.
Get your friends on board.
Some have already got the measure of him. They will help you.
And definitely get onto Womens Aid. You've been in abusive relationships your whole life and your boundaries are all over the place. They need to be re-aligned.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 16/01/2018 17:20

You have to end this. You should pack enough for a few days and go stay with your friend. Then call or text him and ask him to vacate your house. I would contact women's aid and look at Freedom program. I know it's hard. Your life will be harder in the short term which makes it difficult to take that step, but the longer you leave this the harder it will be. He is displaying some very alarming behaviours that will only get worse, I guarantee it. DO NOT sleep with him again. He is the sort to mess with your contraception to get you pregnant and you really do not want a child with a father like that.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 16/01/2018 17:23

I would also be suspicious about him having hidden cameras in your home or some sort of phone tracking/key logging. His comments and behaviours show him to be the type to do this.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 17:25

Thanks for all your advice. I just feel like somehow I should try to make it work. Im not the sort to just go straight for divorce when things are difficult... but you are probably all right :( I just so desperately want it to work. I wrote him a text very clearly saying how I feel and he just replied saying he always looks after me when I'm ill and that he tries to be a good husband... I just felt he ignored the real problems and tries to make out he's not that bad...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 17:26

I don't think he'd mess with my contraception...he knows I really don't want a baby at the moment.

I keep doubting myself and thinking maybe I've made him out to be a monster he isn't but everything i originally wrote is the honest truth :/

OP posts:
Chesntoots · 16/01/2018 17:29

I was with a man that threatened suicide every time I brought up the fact we should split up.

I ended up having a breakdown and on heavy medication. We split up not long after.

Guess what?? He didn't kill himself... this sort of threat is just another form of control. I didn't understand that at the time because I was only a couple of years older than you are, but I recognise it now!

Please see a solicitor and kick him out as soon as you can. All communication via divorce solicitor and block from social media. If you think he will get violent then ring the police for advice. Get a friend to come round when you tell him. Take care. It's scary at the moment but when he is gone you will realise how stressed you have been and how much better your life will be.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 16/01/2018 17:29

No no no. There is no making this work. This is about his funamental nature and he will not change. It will get worse and it will get harder to leave him. He will trap you. Either with children or by eroding yiur self esteem, which is already low. You need to find some reserves and do this. It's not quitting, it's not your fault. You made an error in marrying him but the best decision you could possi ly make is to admit it and move on. Please. Listen to people here. So many people saying the same thing. Listen to your friends and surrogate parents if not us. Please. It breaks my heart to see the inevitability of this scenario playing out if you don't escape it now.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 16/01/2018 17:31

The marriage will only work if you relinquish all control to him. Give up your financial independence, your autonomy, your friends. If you're up for that then great, but that's the only way this will work as he won't change.

pollythedolly · 16/01/2018 17:32

Jesus OP. Please do the right thing. Get things in action and get him out of your life before he destroys you. You're already doubting yourself where it's clear as day to all of us what he is. And he will get worse.

Take care of yourself.

BashStreetKid · 16/01/2018 17:32

just worried about leaving because just not sure how it would play out. I could easily go to my friends' but he probably ought to be the one to leave...I guess the whole thing is just too much to cope with on top of everything else.

So phone Women's Aid and/or a lawyer. There's no point wasting time worrying how something will play out when you can easily get the answers to that question.