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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worried i may have married the wrong man...

588 replies

Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 11:30

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

  • he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.
  • Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(
  • The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...
  • Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

OP posts:
FingerlingUnderling · 16/01/2018 15:37

Its great that you are young. You have so much future ahead of you. Do not spend it with the wrong person. He's at work, you are at home? Get the locks changed now and leave his stuff in a bag on the doorstep.

mummmy2017 · 16/01/2018 15:37

Sorry about your Dad, I was hopping he was a good dad.

He has a right to live in the house, all you can do is start a divorce.

The first thing to do is open a bank account and move your wages...
Tell him you have a right to spend the money any how you like..

When he asks about texting tell him to grow up... nothing else.

HonkyWonkWoman · 16/01/2018 15:38

This made my blood run cold. He is a massive narcissist and he has already under mined your confidence by making you defensive regarding your phone.
He is trying to

HonkyWonkWoman · 16/01/2018 15:41

Trying to mentally abuse you. This is just the start, believe me.
GET OUT NOW! I mean right now!
Go to your friends house or anywhere and start divorce proceedings immediately.

Worldsworstcook · 16/01/2018 15:42

Op, that little niggling voice in your head is there for a reason. Don't ignore it.

Early married days are meant to be cherished for you as a couple as well as letting each of see what the other is like. And you don't like what you're seeing. Sadly he will only get worse as he grips on for longer. If he's made no attempt to address this behaviour in your shoes I'd be quitting before things get worse. There's no shame, but pointless to drag things on.

iamloading · 16/01/2018 15:43

My heart goes out to you as I could have written this a few years ago. Deep down in my gut I knew I shouldn't have married him both before and after the wedding, but I felt like I was on a rollercoaster that I couldn't get off. Like you despite the controlling and frankly weird behaviour I was just so embarrassed about what people would think if I split up with him so quickly.

Anyway after trying and backing down a few times after just under 2 years I did it. He didn't get any of my house given the timescales. I was 26.

I'm now almost 33 and married to the man of my dreams and pregnant. I look at him every day and know with all my heart he is the man for me.
Please get out and don't waste your life on this man x

HonkyWonkWoman · 16/01/2018 15:45

Phew! Going to read some of the others posts now. But after reading OP I just rushed straight to the end to post the above. Sorry if it's all been said already as I'm sure it has but Jesus, I've never read a clearer example of a Classic Narcissist at work. Absolutely Chilling !!!!!!

MarieG10 · 16/01/2018 15:50

I won’t repeat what others have wisely said but I have had a friend with a similar BF. He won’t change and you need to come to terms with that and bring yourself to leave. Please do not become pregnant. I wish you all the best

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/01/2018 15:52

Sounds like you married my ex husband. He was a vile narcissist and an ex for all those behaviours you listed OP and a few more.... Interestingly one if the many articles I read about narcissists is that if you feel something is not quite right.... it’s not! leave now before you waste anymore time with this person... you deserve so much better.

Grunkle · 16/01/2018 15:53

Hanging up the phone on him etc? Please love, you are trying to create drama in hopes that it will get him to see sense. He is abusive and controlling, if you create drama with him, he won't change, he'll escalate and you could be at risk of him seriously hurting or killing you in an effort to force you back into line.

Creating drama WILL NOT make him change, it will escalate what he is already doing. He is abusing you because he loves making drama for you, it makes him feel powerful. If you make drama back at him, he will only retaliate.

Stop responding. Stop engaging. Go to a solicitor and start your divorce. There is nothing to discuss here.

Grunkle · 16/01/2018 15:53

Hanging up the phone on him etc? Please love, you are trying to create drama in hopes that it will get him to see sense. He is abusive and controlling, if you create drama with him, he won't change, he'll escalate and you could be at risk of him seriously hurting or killing you in an effort to force you back into line.

Creating drama WILL NOT make him change, it will escalate what he is already doing. He is abusing you because he loves making drama for you, it makes him feel powerful. If you make drama back at him, he will only retaliate.

Stop responding. Stop engaging. Go to a solicitor and start your divorce. There is nothing to discuss here.

Hermonie2016 · 16/01/2018 15:57

The hardest part of being with an emotional abuser is the blame they put on you.
It confuses you so you doubt yourself and then self confidence suffers and its a downward spiral.

Please consider taking one step today, either talk to your friends or research a solicitor who has experience of abuse.

You are so young with the potential of a great life ahead of you...your mum would want you to break the cycle.
My ex went for counselling for a year, if anything it made it worse.
Controllibg people are often hardwired so change isn't possible.
Don't feel its your fault.No one expects to marry an abuser...I didn't abd I was older than you.

Abusers hide who they really are so its not your fault.Its only through the divorce that others around me now see how bad he is.
He can see appear charming to others.Its part if the mask they wear.

CardinalCat · 16/01/2018 15:59

I feel sick to my stomach reading this thread. What an abusive wanker he is.
however, you have a several things which go massively in your favour:

  1. he's not all that bright, clearly
  2. you, sadly, have experience of controlling abusive twats. But on the plus side, this means that you are somewhat prepared for how these things can go. And you can see into the future and what it will be like if you don't leave, and if children get involved. You don't REALLY need us to corroborate what you already know0- i.e. that you are being abused and controlled.
  3. I will provide some corroboration anyway- you are being abused and controlled and his behaviour is illegal.
  4. you have no children with him. Thank GOD. of course he wants to have some kids with you soon. That's how he'll really get his claws into you, good and proper. Please do not let this be even a remote possibility, please do not sleep with this man, lest it somehow happen.

What is it that is worrying you most about leaving? Is it the practicalities of making the move to leave? Can you instigate a silly argument which you can then turn into a 'you have upset me so much, I need some time to myself' schpiel, and get him out of the house for a bit?

I think, at the very least, you need to see a family lawyer this week regarding the house and your rights vs his rights over it.

You could also do worse than speak to women's Aid. Flowers

MoKnickers · 16/01/2018 16:01

Ltb.

whiskyowl · 16/01/2018 16:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I wanted to second - in the strongest possible terms - the advice you have already had. This man is abusive and controlling. Your instincts that he is wrong for you are correct. No-one behaves like this towards someone they love. I am actually quite concerned for your safety and your wellbeing. Please keep posting and follow the excellent advice you have had to call Womens' Aid. If you have a real life friend you can confide in confidentially, this would be a good idea.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 16:10

just worried about leaving because just not sure how it would play out. I could easily go to my friends' but he probably ought to be the one to leave...I guess the whole thing is just too much to cope with on top of everything else.
Last year alone, I had my alcoholic father in hospital for 5 months as a direct result of his drinking, had to support my 94 year old grandfather who was in a care home and sort out thousands of pounds of debt with the care home that my dad had created. Then my beloved granddad passed away a week before our wedding :( I have also had health issues and that's just a few things... Making such a dramatic decision as to leave my marriage is frightening on top of all of this and worried it will tip me over the edge... but then as you all say being in my situation currently isn't great either...

OP posts:
Firstimer703 · 16/01/2018 16:10

This is not good!!

ChickenMom · 16/01/2018 16:11

If nothing else, get yourself a counsellor to help you negotiate these feelings. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? You can’t change somebody else, you can only change yourself. Change your expectations of what is right and decent. Want more for yourself and expect better from your life partner. Do not have children!! If he’s controlling you then imagine what he would put them through.

InternetHoopJumper · 16/01/2018 16:11

OP I am worried for your safety. This is only going to get worse.

He's doing two things that are massive red flags and early signs of much worse abuse.

  1. He is controlling your finances
  2. He is controlling your connections to other people

It no longer matters if have good moments. His abuse is running in a classic pattern. Get out now, before this gets much worse.

Dozer · 16/01/2018 16:14

Your instincts were right. Getting out would be the best thing to do. Help is available, eg womens aid.

category12 · 16/01/2018 16:18

Staying in a relationship with a controlling abusive man is more likely to tip you over the edge than leaving. He'll erode your self esteem until you think you can't cope without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2018 16:18

Ribbon

You are only responsible for your own self. Your alcoholic father is not your responsibility though you likely feel like you are somehow responsible for him.

Where was your mother when all this was going on last year; how is it that you seemingly carried this burden alone?.

Leaving him could pan out any number of ways; you're not going to find out which till you start putting that process in motion. You will be tipped over the edge if your H keeps on abusing you as he has done to date. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied and you are not alone in any case. You have that couple who you regard more as parents and you have friends, you also have this thread on MN to support you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2018 16:21

Ribbons,

I have since read that your mother is deceased. Am so sorry to read that, I missed that important fact earlier.

Please seek real life support from your friends and Womens Aid to leave this man.

HonkyWonkWoman · 16/01/2018 16:24

Ribbon14 Go and tell your, older friends, the surrogate Mum and Dad people what is really going on. Ring Women's Aid and they will talk you through what you need to do. Make an appointment with a Solicitor, you can get a free half hour to find out where you stand with the house.
And GET OUT tonight if you can. Do not tell him that you are leaving or thinking of it as he may do something to you. JUST LEAVE PLEASE!

alotalotalot · 16/01/2018 16:30

He's pushing the boundaries and getting more controlling as he gets away with more and more. Where will it end up? Certainly worse than it currently is, especially when children are involved.
Can you imagine life in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
Change is scary but you are going to have to face it sooner or later. Why not make it sooner when it is has to be easier- even though it doesn't feel like it right now?