worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

But if I let him know he might demand to know what I'm talking about and become paranoid about that...?

That's his problem, not yours.

Several things are askew here - 1. he has no right to demand to know, 2. he has no right to impose his feelings on yours, 3. you're allowed to have a private inner life and to seek support outside the relationship, 4. he is in control of his own emotions, if he's paranoid that is HIS thing to deal with, not yours. He should not take it out on you.

Is none of his business what you talk about in counselling.

It's not paranoia, ribbon, it's control. He makes it look like he's distressed bcs he's insecure but he's distressed bcs he wants to control you, body and soul.

You've shown him this thread, haven't you.

The women on here really do know what we're talking about. You're making a mistake to think you know better. I'm not telling you off, tho it looks like it - you're playing with fire, please don't think you know a better way.

Ribbon you are your own person don't forget that. You do not need to justify to him and you do not need his permission!!

Start viewing him and his behaviour objectively from now on.

Do not let him cowtow you, frighten you or manipulate you.

You are going to have to believe in yourself.

You only accept kind, thoughtful behaviour from anyone.

Mentally learn to block or duck anyone tossing toxic grenades at you!!

You can do it!

Counselling to address complex abusive behaviours is not easy. It requires a high level of commitment & motivation to change.
Things often become difficult for the individual undertaking therapy.
It's also not just about attending counselling; the person has to be willing to be challenged and make the changes to their behaviour.
Do you think your DH is ready and willing to do this taxing work?
my point is, don't be fobbed off by him saying he'll go to counselling.
If you honestly think he is willing & able; then have an agreed period of separation & if you want to, reconcile with him once you have seen the real change for yourself.
He will never, ever, address his behaviour whilst you are with him.
Oh, and your dad is just being a dick. Get some therapeutic help so you can put some boundaries in place.
Try to be positive about the changes you need to make. You can take your life back from these idiots, but only if you want to.

Christmas

Yes! Don't tell him!!!! Don't tell him ANYTHING.

Sorry, I didn't make myself clear

Well done you on setting up counselling, that is such an important step and I hope you'll find it very positive.

You don't have to tell him you're doing it, but if you want to you can just say it's to deal with concerns you have around your dad. Obviously your dad is continuing to abuse you by sending you upsetting letters (so sorry to hear that).

One note about counselling. Counsellors are only human and some are great and a good fit for you (I really benefited from talking to a Relate counsellor on an individual basis) and some are not a good fit, or not that great at their jobs at all.

So if your experience with this counsellor isn't fantastic, please don't stop reaching out ... don't bother with your mum and dad as your dad has been so abusive (unless you really trust your mum to be in your corner). But reach out to friends. To other counsellors. To Women's Aid. To people here. Getting that outside perspective and support is so important.

Not read full thread but OP - PLEASE CHANGE THE LOCKS BEFORW HE GETS HOME!!!!!

@MotherofaSurvivor
Really? Does the op really need that level of hysteria in the situation she's in?

Because if there's one way to turn a man from being emotionally abusive to physically abusive it's putting him in the position where he needs to kick his own front door down.

If he did demand to know what you were talking about in counselling, you will know that he isn't keeping to the agreement and that you need to split up without delay.

Um idiot?

You haven't bothered read the thread.
If you had you would be more aware that the last thing the OP is in the mindset of is to call the police.

Who will literally let him into his house. Because it's his house

(Also been there so wind it in)

Thanks everyone for continued support. Hopefully I can see the counsellor later this week or early next. Think it would do me good to talk things through and try to deal with things that are happening both now and in the past. I guess I will see if dh changes in anyway...

Hi OP

My Best friend is divorcing her husband after 12 years of the same controlling behaviour yr husband is imposing on you. It's turned her and her children's lives into a nightmare.

Don't waste your life. You've done so well to see through what he's doing.

Please arrange to see a lawyer his week to discuss your rights. You will be empowered once you know the facts.

He won't change

Good luck xx

@Ribbon14

It may be worth keeping a diary in the days leading up to your counselling appointment, just so there is a timeline and several examples of how your husband behaves at different times.

Good luck

Great step seeing a counsellor - hope they’re well qualified, eg BACP registered.

While you’re waiting to see what he does, which will probably be more of the same, you could gather info, move money, change passwords for everything (recommend an e wallet so you yourself can keep track)! And get legal advice.

The Stately Homes thread is good for info on people like your dad . There have also been good previous threads about adult children of alcoholics.

You can still take control of your money op whilst seeing if he will change. You don't have to leave him if you're not ready but at least stop him from financially abusing you. Good luck

Op, what does he say/is he willing to do about the financial control right now? There is no need for a wait and see approach on that, that can be concrete now.

Oh, yes to keeping a diary! that has been such a huge help to me. Otherwise I forget (or block out) his bad behaviour. It has really helped to keep me on track through leaving.

But DO NOT KEEP THE DIARY AT HOME. Keep it at work. Or someplace he can't access it. That is not you being sneaky, it is you protecting yourself. Please protect yourself.

Sorry, OP, I'm another one who has no faith in your DH changing. Also even if he did, would you ever recover the spark again?

He won't.
Not long term.
Just long enough for you to let him back in then wham!
It'll back to where you are now!

note that last night you talked to him about the phone thing. that's 15th january.

count how many days he lasts until he makes an issue of it again.

how do you know if he's 'changed'? how easily can you change your own behaviour? it's very hard. he's unlikely to change, but if you need the proof, the simple test above will tell you all you need to know.

who cares what his family or your dad think? your two friends, your surrogate parents are on your side. now, you need to be on your side and you'll find the strength.

lastly, don't put ANYTHING past your dh. you say he won't tamper with your contraception. he won't become violent. that's because you haven't openly and consistently defied him yet. you're already scared of him. you can't see your friends with him, you can't use your phone, can't turn the heating on, can't have a bath... yes, i'd say you're scared of him.

take care, and be aware.

Please OP, take it from someone who knows - He will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVERRRR change. I have been where you are. I was for 17 years. I hoped & tried for 17 years that he would change but he never did. Only got worse & worse

@derangedmermaid You're proving that you haven't read the thread! The house belongs to OP! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Do NOT speak to me like that!

Jesus OP - have you ever felt your blood run cold? That's what happened when I read your post. And it went downhill from that.

He is horrible. Will he change? OH yes, if he feels he's losing his hold on you, he will be a totally changed man. Perfect, sweetness and light, showering you with love and affection. But that's not who he is, it's just the next stage in the cycle. An act. And even in the sweetness and light period, you will be worrying how much longer it lasts and if he will change back. He will.

He's textbook abuser. Read this, does anything else sound familiar? carleton.ca/womensstudies/activism/166-2/

You're so young. Whole life ahead of you. People who love you tell you he's no good, believe them. Dump him and after the fog has cleared, you will see what we all see.