worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

We genuinely don't believe he can or wants to change.

We genuinely think you need to get legal advice, support from your friends and get rid of him now.

If you won't do this. At least take back control of your finances by having all your earnings in your own account. Insist on using your phone how you please. See your friends. And get that legal advice in case you need it. Oh and don't don't don't get pregnant.

Control freaks and abusers never change. There's plenty of us on here that have told you our sides of the story and what we have gone through, and we're all singing off the same hymn sheet.

Money in to your own account - fixed amount each month to another account to cover house bills. The rest is yours, he has NO say.

I'd start with that and see how he takes it, but in all honesty, you are already having doubts and question this relationship so I think you already know the answer.

He’s a fucking liar. He will never change. He’s a piece of shit not a man.
Get your friends in real life to support you. Tell them everything and please please get out.

Have just received an abusive letter from my dad in the post so am now in bits about that too... Like I need that as well

His past behaviour tells you all you need to know.

A good, decent man doesn't need to be corrected about how to behave. It is instinctive.

Just as you don't need to be told to be a kind, decent person. You just are.

Big red flag again op.

Just a shame you don't recognise them despite them waving in your face wherever you look.

We can see so many red flags op, you just see the love of your life.

Please confide in your lovely friends how you feel, could you do that for us at least? Like ring them today?

He won't change. My friend who I mentioned upthread was appeased by her ex going to therapy/counselling. He used to love coming home and telling her all the crap he'd told the therapist about her (i.e. my friend) and what a shame it was that all relationship problems were her fault.
He turned out to have serious problems and still won't leave her or her new partner alone.

I would suggest you start taking back some control - seperate your finances if you do nothing else at the very least! You shouldn't have to be 'allowed' a certain amount to spend, who put him in charge?! It's not like you can't afford it.

Now if he's serious about changing, fine let him have a go. But you need to separate for that. It's going to take time, and a lot of effort on his part. He needs to really look at himself and want to change. He needs to move out and seek serious help, are there specific counsellors for abusive men? Find out. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some therapy too, with someone with experience of abused women would be great. Gain control back over your life, do what you want. Spend what you want, see your friends. Let him prove he can change by doing this.

Now if you do all this and it still doesn't work and he's still a complete dick, you can walk away from this marriage knowing you did everything in your power to make it work which by the sounds of it, is important to you. If he refuses to do all this then leave him, he's clearly not serious about changing and not listening to your needs. You still will have tried. If by some miracle it works and he does all this and gets better then yay that's great. So suggest the separation and explain how it's going to work. Assert yourself. If he's serious then it won't hurt to try. If he's not he'll likely have a big tantrum say you're being unreasonable blah blah. In that case leave his arse for good. And talk to your friends about what's going on! You need real life allies. This is really important.

Sorry about the letter, op.

What does your dh say about stopping the financial control?

Ignore your dad.
Take that letter outside.
Find a lighter or matches and watch it burn!!!

As per your last post;
It's not silly OP - it's just niaive!
There's a huge difference.

He is a domestic abuser.
For him to 'get help' he would need to go on a course specifically for abusers.
I said it earlier I think, but they take 1-2 years and the abuser should NOT stay with the 'victim' for it to even try to work.
And under a third of attendees get any better!!
Not good odds.
But either way he can't live with you while he is getting 'help'
So he should leave!
Sorted!!

I can guarantee you that your friends will be supportive and will more than likely be so pleased if you leave him.
My mum has just walked out on my dad after 46 years and has spent her life walking on eggshells and now doesn't know how to not do this!

PLEASE don't waste your life with this nasty nasty man and DO NOT show him this thread.

I'm sorry to say he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and is trying to isolate you. The classic behaviour of a abuser.

Get out now and do not look back.

Take that letter and bloody well burn it. Go NC with your father.

That is just a distraction - the main thing here is that you ARE in danger and your gut is TELLING you that.

Do you honestly want to know what ended up happening to me? I ended up trying to take my own life and in doing so I lost EVERYTHING. My whole life gone because I'd allowed myself to sink that low, allowed them to stay in my head that I finally believed it was me that was 'wrong', me that was unfixable, me that couldn't cope, me that was letting everyone down and so, in my completely effed up thought processes, I stupidly proved them right....and believe me when I say they used that power to their full advantage. Is that where you want to end up, OP?

Ribbon,

Shred or otherwise destroy that letter now from dad if you have not already done that. Do not give this any more power. He has failed you abjectly as a parent and therefore his opinion should be ignored. I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, particularly the chapter on alcoholic parents.

This man you are married to and your dad are similar in that both are abusive and controlling. Your dad has not changed an iota since you were a child and neither will this person you are currently shackled to. Do NOT enter into any joint counselling with this individual; no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you anyway due to the abuse he metes out towards you.

Your head must be all over the place OP. I too know how it feels to be emotionally abused, mine never got to physical thank goodness. I found out he was cheating and told him it was over. We have a child together but weren't married. Honestly, the relief I felt when I found out he was cheating was unbelievable, truth was, I didn't really care he was cheating it just gave me a concrete reason to end it. I think if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have had it in me to leave.

My point it, theyre very clever, making you doubt your sanity so you can't find the confidence to get out. The gaslighting makes you doubt your own memories, but believe in your instincts when they're screaming at you the get out.

Sorry for the typos ☺️

If you really think he might change or want to give him the chance to do so, I would suggest that you use the time to get yourself organised so that, if or when he does something that shows that nothing has changed, you are ready to act immediately.

So contact Women's Aid and/or a solicitor and find out what you can do to get him out of the house and what steps you need to take to protect yourself. In any event, move all of your money out of the joint account into yours. Make sure that you have all the relevant documents safe, including copies of joint account bank statements, your passport, marriage certificate etc. Change the passwords for things like online banking. Get in touch with your friends so that they are ready to support you if necessary.

If he's genuinely changed, he can't object to you having access to your money and belongings. But if, as seems almost inevitable, he starts objecting to you texting and judging you for what you buy, you can be ready to get rid without delay. You definitely will never regret it.

It’s hard hun. You aren’t ready to end things yet but just bear in mind this post and all the advice people have given you.

No one expects you to end your marriage immediately as this is a process.

Stay strong and protect yourself against abuse by being strong, resilient and challenging it when it’s safe to do so. Look for the patterns and cycles and know that until you learn the lesson and get out the cycle and patterns will continue.

Your father - he may have created you but he sounds like a hideous example of a father. I would not pay any attention to him until he starts respecting you

I'm generally quite generous with these things and try to think up a variety of reasons for odd behaviour but his behaviour is just off. And from the sounds of it you have no reason to stay.

You say that you are worried that you won't find anyone else- you are still young and by the sounds of it quite clever. I see no reason why you wouldn't find some better (given that he is an arsehole)

Your financial position on your own isn't great but it's not any good with him either. It's not like he earns very much, even if he did he wouldn't let you have any. You have very little to spend on yourself, you are living in a cold house, you can't even take a proper bath ffs. He's really not giving you anything in that respect. Worst case scenario you can sell your house and buy something cheaper using the proceeds. Or you can use your degree to get a better paid job in a different industry. You are not stuck financially.

You say that he will get depressed-that's really not your problem.

You are worried about what other people think-if they are good people they won't judge you, if they aren't good people then who cares what they think?

Most importantly you are already unhappy, leaving can only make things better.

On the note of contraception I would suggest that you double up on a copper coil and the depo shot. That way you are covered if one fails and you are also protected from him tampering with it. I know that you says that he wouldn't but he wants children. This in itself is a bit unusual in a man his age, I wouldn't be surprised if it was partly or wholly motivated by a desire to have more control over you. You say tat you think he would respect your wishes but he hasn't in the past-think of the way he has treated your friends. If he thinks that you are going to leave there is a chance that he may sabotage contraception to trap you given the opportunity. Don't give it to him.

You are wasting your time with him and making it harder for yourself when you eventually leave. Go see a solicitor tomorrow. Just take money out of the joint account to pay for it. It's your money just as much as his. Get on with your life, if you don't leave this will ruin your life.

I've just contacted a counsellor to arrange some sessions for myself. I feel so worn down by the way my dad has treated me and continues to do so and now I have the issues in my marriage too

He will change for a few weeks then go back to the way he is. He deliberately waited for you to text him today to sow again that he's in charge

Great first step Ribbon. Keep going. You don't owe him any more chances (your op shows continued unreasonable behavior). You deserve to live abuse free while ( or if, and it's a big if) he changes.

Great to hear about the counselling. Make sure you do attend and I'd caution you on letting him know you are going.

But if I let him know he might demand to know what I'm talking about and become paranoid about that...?

No, you don't let him know, I think the above poster meant caution you against telling him.

I really hope you find the strength to dump this awful man. Your life really does not have to be like this and a marriage really shouldn't be.

Do not inform him about you attending counselling sessions.

Don't tell him any of your plans. Tell your Mum and Dad type friends what is going on. They already know that something isn't right, so it won't be a surprise to them. Confide in your friends as well. You need all the support you can get.