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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worried i may have married the wrong man...

588 replies

Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 11:30

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

  • he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.
  • Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(
  • The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...
  • Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon14 · 17/01/2018 12:53

He said he will go to counselling to try and change... He said he regrets the way he's behaved

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/01/2018 13:03

Aww, he’ll try, isn’t that sweet.
It’s called lip service: cheap and easy. Don’t believe it until you see it.

category12 · 17/01/2018 13:04

So is he going to stop "giving you an allowance" and let you manage your own money?

category12 · 17/01/2018 13:06

All your wages need to go in your account and then you transfer over to the joint account your share of bills and grocery money.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2018 13:08

More lip service from your H re counselling. He will not ever attend counselling because he feels entitled (like your dad) to act as he does.
Your dad has not changed his behaviours and this individual is out of that same mould.

I am sorry Ribbon but again he is simply telling you what you want to hear.

MrPan · 17/01/2018 13:09

Well, as a poster above said, go out 'without his permission', put the heater/hot water on, return your spending to above the £100 'limit', use your phone when you want to etc....and he will flinch. You will be behaving 'normally'. He will see all of that as a threat because you don't count. You are there to be controlled.
It does look/sound awful. Best wishes and take no more rubbish from him.

purpleprincess24 · 17/01/2018 13:09

He has no right to tell you how to spend your own money. You should not have to be ‘allowed’ spending money, you are in an adult joint relationship and yet you are nervous about spending as he won’t approve ... this is just so wrong on so many levels.

We have joint accounts, including credit cards etc but we trust one another and know in our heads that neither of us would spend money we didn’t have. I’ll show my DH what I’ve bought and he has never in the 18 years we’ve been together commented negatively about me spending money.

I certainly don’t have to ask permission before I buy something, if I see a dress I like and I can afford it I buy it. As an example, I bought a new iPhone last week and I did mention it a couple of weeks prior and DH’s comment was ‘go for it, you deserve it and you do need a new phone anyway’ ... so I spent £1k in Apple, I also came home with a dress, two tops and a pair of jeans .... DH laughed when I got home as ‘it’s amazing what Apple sell nowadays’

Likewise he wanted a new camera and the one he really liked was just over £2k, again he buys what he wants but he discussed it with me before just ordering it as that’s what adults do

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 17/01/2018 13:10

OK so you all genuinely think he can't change and will be like this for the rest of his life? Surely he can change with help? Or maybe I'm just being silly

OP posts:
category12 · 17/01/2018 13:11

Is he a lot older than you, op?

derangedmermaid · 17/01/2018 13:12

OK so you all genuinely think he can't change and will be like this for the rest of his life?

Yeah, he's not changing.

Surely he can change with help?

Not your job to stop an arsehole from being an arsehole to you.

Or maybe I'm just being silly

No, you're being controlled and abused. It is not normal behaviour

category12 · 17/01/2018 13:12

Don't accept lip service - he needs to stop controlling you financially, so stopping the whole "allowance" crap is a start. He can do that right now.

Coyoacan · 17/01/2018 13:13

I think it would be a good idea if you took the Freedom Programme, OP.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 17/01/2018 13:14

No he's 26 and I'm 25.

OP posts:
VaselineHero · 17/01/2018 13:15

They all say this when they sense their partner is getting close to leaving.

It's a cycle and abusers go round and round and round. As soon as he feels safe again and that you are no longer close to taking an action then it will ramp up again.

I notice how he consistently puts blame on you re his texting etc. This is abuse too.

You're probably thinking if you just challenge him on every abusive thing he does then he will realise and get the message. It won't work. Or if he goes to counselling he will realise - won't work. They just play the victim and he will come back saying oh I behave like this because my mother didn't give me enough attention when I was little... blah blah... blaming someone else again.

He manages I assume not to abuse anyone else like friends or colleagues so why not you too?

The only way to ensure there is no more abuse in your life is to leave.

Btw - your dad was probably not as abusive earlier in the relationship with your mum. It escalates. The more a woman proves that she won't leave - the worse it gets.

Dozer · 17/01/2018 13:16

What sort of counselling: a specialist programme for abusive men? If he just means general counselling for his “issues” that’s not much of a concession IMO.

If he’s truly serious (which I doubt) you could separate and he could move out and show you changed behaviour while you decide on your future.

Womensplaceisintherevolution · 17/01/2018 13:18

He's getting worried as he can see that you're getting wise to him. He knows that after a year of marriage he will be entitled to much more financially. You might want to take out half of what is in the savings account and put it in your own account. If you only use the joint account for bills and food you will have control over your own money. If he wants to have counselling that's great for him, but you don't have to be in a relationship with him in order for him to do this. Be selfish for once, do what's right for you not for him.

VaselineHero · 17/01/2018 13:18

The most important thing to remember is that people abuse because they feel ENTITLED to behave that way.

He feels ENTITLED to treat you like he is. Like you are a lesser human being who needs to be managed all the time by him.

He will deny this of course, but his actions say it all.

5LeafClover · 17/01/2018 13:20

Individual counseling for you is an excellent idea. Or talk to women's aid. It really is that bad. Don't take responsibility for or join in with for his counseling though, if he's keen and ready to take responsibility he will arrange it himself.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 17/01/2018 13:22

OP ultimately you can do whatever you want. We are just anonymous people on an Internet forum and you owe us nothing.

However - ask yourself why several hundred women are telling you the same thing.

And if you decide to stay, then keep this thread and make sure you read it again in the future, perhaps when you feel stronger. It can take several goes for a woman to leave an abusive partner.

But leave you must.

Mirrormirrorotw · 17/01/2018 13:23

Here's an idea then, Ribbon.

You talk about 'change' and surely he can with help. You also know that his current behaviour isn't acceptable.

Ok.

Move out. Leave him. And stay away from him. IF he really is a decent person (and he's not, he really really isn't, trust me and everyone else here) he will go and get help and he will change. In the meantime you get into your own counselling, go out with friends, maintain your own space and independence. IF (he won't) he changes you can think about a slow (very very slow) reintroduction of him into your life a year down the line....

Put him to the rest - leave. And stay gone. For quite a while. And watch his next move after you leave....

Dozer · 17/01/2018 13:26

If you have savings of yours, eg that you brought into the marriage, transfer them to a sole account in your name only asap.

Dozer · 17/01/2018 13:26

If savings are joint, take half.

derangedmermaid · 17/01/2018 13:26

Want to make him change?

Next time he turns off the tap when you're running a bath shove a bath bomb down the bastards throat.

cantthinkofasinglegoodusername · 17/01/2018 13:28

Couples counselling is a bad idea with an abuser. He will just use the sessions to manipulate and place blame, and minimise the abuse.

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