worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

Thanks everyone. It isn't really going well. He hasn't said anything further after last night. I didn't text him this morning so eventually he texted me saying 'have a nice day' and I said is that all you can say after last night? And then he just said well I thought you were busy because you didn't text me...

I don't know. He really seems to have no clue

OP, this is just awful - we, and you, know how this will develop. He is a DVer re emotional and financial abuse, and when it is required later he will be a physical abuser.

You have been told in the starkest terms what will happen, yet you remain 'wedded' to your abuser. You don't appear to think you have a choice yet you have all the choices in the world in reality.
You know it's all totally wrong which is why you posted in the first place.

Get professional advice on how to commence separation. This man will not relinquish the control you have ceded him. It will get worse.

You have to realise that because of the situation with your Dad, you don't have any sense of "normal". When you've come from a situation of intense abuse, you become pathetically grateful for any situation that isn't quite as bad. I know this personally - I was with a guy for years who was just wrong for me, because it wasn't as bad as growing up with my uber-controlling mother. I still find it hard to believe that I have a right to the same things as other women take for granted, though I've got much better through my 30s.

Trust that part of you that is screaming "This is wrong! Nothing will change!" Believe what you see - actions - not words. And get yourself some emotional support (counselling) if you can afford to do so. It will REALLY help you to get your head clear and straight about stuff.

It's not that he has no clue, OP. He has EvERY clue and is pulling out all of the head-wrecking tricks.

Ribbon I thought my first ex husband wouldn't become violent. Then I got pregnant. He started pulling my hair. Grabbing me by the throat and throwing me across the room. After I gave birth I knew I had to leave, but didn't. Then he put me in hospital. He kept hold of ds until I was discharged because he knew I'd say something if he didn't. After I left he made false allegations to my work. Had me followed. Battery acid on my car. Fuel lines cut.

He started off low level stuff. Not letting me have money or use my phone.

I had a child with this man. He has caused 18 years of grief, and nearly my suicide.

Please get out of this before your sanity is in question.

So what next OP?
I suggest you sit down and write a list of all the things you want to change.
So he doesn't get to control all the money. This is the biggest issue right now as it's taking away an independence you could gain.
You have your own bank account. You both agree an amount for bills, an amount for savings and the rest is yours to do with as you please with no questions or complaints from him.
Tackle that first and then move on to other things.

As I don't really believe you are ready to kick him out yet, you need to take back control of YOUR life.
Your eventual outcome will be to pack his stuff and tell him to fuck off. But you aren't there yet!!!

Yes he has every clue. How to assauge you and seem polite and thoughtful until your barriers are down and then repeat behaviour unti lyou are too exhausted to 'fight'....so give in to unreasonableness...i.e. like £75 per month down from £100 when there is ample money for a much better standard of living.

Don't even discuss anything else with him. Act to secure your separation and a happier life.

And my life is better now than when I had to live with my dad...
What stuck me here is the word now, it's very early days into your marriage and the cycle of abuse he has started on you. What will your now look like in a month, a year?

Listen to the stories and advice and read up the links and books that have been advised. Start making your plans.

You have your best years ahead of you. You sound so lovely but so damaged and lost. It doesn't have to be like this.

I was thinking of you this morning. If my DH was ever disrespectful to my family to the extent that they would not invite him around, I'm not sure he would be my DH for much longer.

I would also wager that your H is fuming right now and you will see more of the same behaviour when he gets home tonight. He told you he would change yet what is he doing to show you any change? He is continuing as before. I would think that now that he knows you are not going to sit back and take his abuse it will escalate rather quickly.

Change the locks and get him out. Life without fear is a wonderful thing.

I was okay until you mentioned the taps. Fuuuuuuuuuck that.

You don't have kids, there's no reason you can't leave.

Get the fuck out of there, use the joint account if you want. He's a twat. And he won't change.

Your upbringing put you at risk of abuse in relationships, and unfortunately you married an abuser. Of a different “type” from your dad (your H is controlling/co ercive - the law was recently changed to describe this) but an abuser nonetheless.

He is not going to “see the light” and change. He is not (just) “immature” or “clueless” he is abusive. Clueless blokes don’t do what he has done.

The longer you stay with him the more of your assets he may be entitled to take from you when you leave him.

Seeking advice from lawyers, womens aid, friends, gathering info and even planning does not commit you to leaving him unless/until you decide to do so.

Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant. Abuse often ramps up then. And you would be tied to this nasty man for your DCs’ life and they would have an abusive father, like you did.

You asked why does he do that?

Read this. It's the key book about what goes on in their heads and why they will never change

You are wilfully turning a blind eye to some very serious red flags here. It's likely your dad was like your husband at your husbands age - your dad has just progressed. As your husband will.

And IF he was actually interested in discussing and resolving issues you have with his behaviour:

A) You wouldn't have had to remind him that it needed discussing
B) When you asked him if that was lol he had to say about last night he wouldn't shift the blame back into you - i.e. diverting attention away from him - by saying that he thought you Lucy be busy because you hadn't texted him.

This is CLASSIC manipulation and that particular one used to be played on me ALL THE TIME.

If you see yourself having children in the future, ask yourself whether you'd risk having them with this man who exhibits rather frightening controlling behaviour. Have his child and he'll see you as indelibly marked out as his property.

If you do choose to leave him, try something like the Freedom programme, read some books on controlling men, and give yourself at least a year to be single, have some head space, and focus on yourself. You deserve much better than this.

It’s all mind games. All of it. He knows what’s he’s doing. What he says is all misdirection and bears no relation to what’s actually happening and how he behaves. Don’t try to figure out the why. Or find reasons. Just focus on the facts.

Read this book. And see if you can identify him.
zintareviews.blogspot.co.uk/2008/01/why-does-he-do-that-inside-minds-of.html?m=1

@Ribbon14, so sorry to be reading all this.

This thread in itself must have been a significant step for you, and I can imagine that it makes for overwhelming reading. But you must read it and digest it, please, you owe yourself that much. I say this from personal experience of watching this unfold in my own family as a child, and I still carry the scars, they surface at the most unexpected of times, decades on. The woman at the centre of this at the time has fared far worse. Please don't let this be you - even if you are in that 'I don't matter' mindset, the ripple effect of all this around you is greater than you can fathom, and it lasts. But primarily you must do it for you.

As others have said, keep your friends, keep them close, whatever it takes. And, if you don't act to help yourself now, how will you cope if your H manufactures a reason to move far away, or even abroad (work, sick relative, business opportunity?). You will be starting from zero, all the 'let's wait and see how it pans out' will be re-set and you will have yet more suffering. Or what if he loses his job or gets sick? Even if it's all just about bearable on a daily basis, as others have said, it usually escalates. And even if it doesn't, the cumulative effect of this abuse, because that's what it is by any measure, is damaging enough. Please act while you have some strength. It will literally change your life. No shame in it whatsoever. You have to be your top priority here.

Life is not meant to be this miserable.

You posted yesterday afternoon about him calling you and querying who you were texting. I'm not sure if you were at home or work. If the former, then he possibly has cameras placed around to watch you or, as another pp has mentioned, he has some sort of key logger on your devices. I would be very unsurprised to find out he has read this thread. If you google home spyware it is quite frightening how regular home items could easily contain a small camera or microphone. Be careful what you write online.
Others have given you very good advice already; taking the first step is always hard when it seems like you are stepping off a precipice, but you do need to do something. I believe that you can get 30 mins free with a divorce lawyer. Why don't you make an appointment and see what they advise re the house etc. It might make you feel a little bit stronger about what you know you have to do.
Good luck OP.

If he has changed -

• call your friends and organise a gathering
• buy yourself something nice
• use your phone in front of him
• increase your DD back to £100 or even more

Then see if he has changed!

Honestly if I could reach out & give you a hug, I would. You sound so confused, you poor thing. If you aren't ready to leave, why don't you take a break at your friends house for the weekend? Give yourself a chance to think things through.
My worry is that you can't see the wood for the trees because you are immersed in this toxic relationship. You are waiting for him to understand, but it's not going to happen.
You can't will him to change; that has to come from him. It's as though you feel that if you try enough, talk enough, seek to understand enough, something will fundamentally change. It doesn't work that way.
In his eyes, you are not his equal; he needs to own you to make himself feel better. He chose you because you were vulnerable due to the relationship with your dad.
Abusers do that.
Please try & stop for a moment. Listen to the small voice in your head that made you post to begin with. You said you think you married the wrong man. You know that you need to leave, just start to take small steps to make that happen.
What one thing can you do today to start the process of leaving? Apply for a credit card? Open your own bank account?
We are here & will listen & support you for as long as it takes x

Ribbon,
Another thought. He will do to your kids what your dad did to you.
Your daughter may post on the mumsnet of the future.
Get out love.

Incredibly rude to your close friends and family and you?

He will be the same to any dc you have.

Then you will watch as your dc grow up with him as their role model of how to behave with loved ones and others.

And you will watch any sons of yours turning out just like your dh and your dad.

And you will watch any daughters of yours to turn out just like you and pick future partners just like you.

And the cycle continues.

Unless you break it.

Please read this on gaslighting, he is abusing you emotionally and financially

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-42708922

OP you wrote above that 'he really has no clue'. Do you mean, he has no clue as to how upset you are, how his behavior impacts you, or do you mean that he has no clue what kind of behavior makes a kind and loving partner? I spent years thinking that if I could just show my h what effect his behaviors had on me he would change/stop. He didn't because he always prioritised his needs and feelings, and that gave him reason enough. One day my counselor asked me why I expected him to change as he seemed to have everything his own way just as things were. I wonder if the same question might help you?

He said he will go to counselling to try and change... He said he regrets the way he's behaved