worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

so now I don't know what to do
YES YOU DO.
Everyone - literally everyone on here has told you.
The great thing about MN is that there are so many women that have been through the same.
And they can tell you with hindsight and complete accuracy, what your life is going to be like.
Read, digest and act!!!
NOW!!!!!

The thing is ribbon you know that he won't change. It sounds like your self esteem and confidence is in tatters. He targeted you because your background made you vulnerable. I think that before you will be able to get out of this toxic relationship you will need to work on building yourself up. You're financially sound, have your own place, have a career and are a lovely person. What does he bring to the relationship? You do not deserve to be with someone who is this controlling and abuses you both emotionally and financially.

He's getting much more out of this relationship than you are. He's found his cash cow in you and he won't let you go easily. Rely on your support system, your two close friends sound brilliant. The fact that people that you love and admire don't like him should be a big warning! There is no shame in divorce. If you can, speak to woman's aid to see if it helps to clear the fog. Right now you're so far under it probably feels like you'll never get out. You can do this ribbon, we're all here for you.

I was about to post on this, as I sometimes do, that my sh has some of these tendencies in the early years... rough ride but we worked it out. Hard choice, but fought and it worked after a big struggle.

But then I read your OP fully and realised its way over the line. Take this from someone who really pushed it to make it work the hard way, your dh is WAY too far over the line. Also nice family? My dh has a poor model from his father he slowly moved in from, sounds like your dh has no excuse.

It’s the financial abuse that does it for me. It traps you and shows a meanness if character. It’s not just about keeping you to himself, it’s about reducing you in looks and confidence. Don’t ever presume either once your reliant, under confident and non functioning he won’t then move on to a new and attractive challenge.

Many 15 year old boys are emotionally immature but there is a world of difference between that state and controlling behaviours like your H shows you now.

You basically went from one abusive relationship with your dad at home to another abusive relationship. You had your own doubts about this and married this person to get away from your dad. You were taught a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and its of no real surprise that you are in a controlling relationship now. Your own minimising, to deny yourself the truth of what it is you are facing, does you no favours.

The only difference between your H and your dad is that your dad is also an alcoholic. Otherwise they are out of the same rotten abuser mould. Codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand and you are likely to be codependent in relationships. That's why
this individual targeted you as well, he saw something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends to the point where you are talking about your phone usage. That is the very least of your problems here.

If you think life with this person is at all better in any way than it was with your dad then that tells me that your boundaries in relationships are way too low and need urgent review.

Your life could be even nicer if you lived without him

OP have just read from start to finish.

First for you. I know how hard this is.

I'm going to tell you my tale.

When I was in my early 20s I got with a guy, far far too quickly, he started out with all the declarations of undying love, telling me he only had eyes for me, didn't need anyone else. In hindsight this is a MASSIVE WAVING RED FLAG.

He also cery quickly persuaded me to merge finances.

Overtime it turned into "If your all I need, why aren't I enough for you if I wanted to see my friends.

He pushed them away by being a complete dick to them.

He controlled what I spent, where I went, what I wore.

I made excuse after excuse for him...exactly the same ones you are giving us now op.

I ignored all the warning signs, and let him isolate me and get in my head.

I was your age when the sexual and physical abuse started.
We'd been together 2.5 yrs at this point (sound familiar yet?)

He waited until he'd properly got his poison in my head before he ramped it up.

Started with pushes, unwanted groping.....escalated to pinning down, kicking, punching and also rape, both when I was asleep and when I was awake.

I finally left, barefoot, terrified and with nothing at all, when he tried to strangle me and I realised I'd die if I stayed.

This all played out in only 4yrs.

He also did the nice/nasty cycle.
THEY ALL DO.

They couldn't keep you under control, especially in the early days, if they were out and out nasty all the time.

He also did the begging for forgiveness thing.
THEY NEVER MEAN IT.
THEY NEVER CHANGE.

I see so much of my own story in yours....please leave before my ending becomes yours.

I don't think my dh would ever become violent... He's not like that

Bur Ribbon I SAID EXACTLY THAT.

I would never have believed the evil things that man was capable of.

I never, ever thought he would so much as push me.

And this is why I am telling you.

Because I was in your exact position.

I was the slowly boiled frog in the pot that you are becoming.

From one frog to another....jump the pot before he boils you down.

I dont want another young woman to waste the best years of her life like I did.

I know its hard to hear.

There are hundreds of women here who have been exactly where you are now.

It's the responses to posts like this that really makes me appreciate mumsnet. All of you amazing women posting such personal stories to support someone you've never met.

Another one delurking to say I really understand why you find it so hard to leave, but listen to the instinct that made you post here. If you can, be brave...move quick (like pulling off a plaster). If you can't yet, maybe call women's aid or find individual counseling (either through your gp or tell your h it's to sort out your issues from childhood so you can spend the money and go by yourself). And please don't let him see you on here, there is support for you.

Oh and about a year later I did the Freedom Programme.

It opened my eyes to things I didn't even realise were recognised abusive behaviour, like
Financial Control
Coercive Control
Sexual control
Jealousy

My bar was so low I thought these things were normal.

I now have the highest standards, and I can recognise a tiny red flag from hundreds of miles away.

My sister's story is the same as Lana's. In the beginning she mistook his jealous controlling behaviour for grand passion (our Dad was very jealous of my good looking Mum so it seemed normal to her).

She couldn't go to the shop without him timing her. She was on eggshells over his moods.

I think (she might have not told me the whole truth) that it was about15 years before he got physically violent though. And he got violent with the kids too.

Do you really want to hang around for 15 years and see how it pans out OP?

Why would you still be together with someone who is incredibly rude to a person you view as a second mum?

Why isn't that alone enough of a red flag to you?

It would be to me and I have a lovely family and a lovely husband so there is no way anybody gets to be rude to the lovely people in my life.

Anyone acting vile is toxic and I don't let them pollute my life in any shape or form.

Why do you allow vile behaviour in your life op? Especially from someone who is supposed to put you on a pedestal, love you and cherish you?

Why have you married such a monster?

Your dh needs to be someone who is caring, kind, thoughtful and who makes you laugh and makes you happy.

After 21 years of marriage my dh still makes me laugh, is kind, helpful and thoughtful. I wouldn't have had lots of dc with him if he wasn't like this.

You can get rid you know. Yes you have made a mistake but luckily with the lovely people in your life you can be honest to them as I bet they are having sleepness nights already if your dh has been rude to them, knowing full well he will be rude to you too.

Update us op please when you have got out of this awful relationship?

There are loads of happy outcomes on MN where OPs take unanimous advice!

Please be one of them!

Op, there's another post in relationships called 'Getting out of a controlling relationship' by someone called Zoo33. I don't know have to tag people on here but she might be able to give you some advice as she's recently escaped from a partner who sounds very similar to yours.

You may think your life is better now than when with your Dad, but don't you see that it can be a whole lot better?

You are letting past events repeat themselves.

Your situation wont get any better until you leave him

He WILL NOT change so please don't fool your self thinking he will.

Remember, you are better and worth more than this.

OP it's no reflection on you at all, that you have married this unpleasant man. Men like this are particularly charming, especially in the early days, otherwise how would they entice new prey into their webs. Many women would be taken in, even if they didn't have your background that makes you particularly vulnerable. It's not your fault and no one sane will think badly (quite the opposite) when you leave him.

You've said he doesn't hit you, would never do that. Maybe, maybe not. But what he is doing to you already is abuse. Even if you knew 100% he would never hit you (which you don't), is this really the way you want to be for the rest of your life, and any children you have?

Trust me - he he sweet talking you right now, it’s part of the cycle of abuse. He might make an effort for a little while, but he will revert to old ways as per this diagram. You need to start planning his removal from the house, the sooner the better.

Believe me, I didn’t think my ex would hit me either, but he threw me down the stairs.

Leave!

The time you invested in him is your "sunk cost".
*
It's like investing in a company whose share price is going down and you hold on in the hopes of recouping your loses.

But the higher your sunk cost the more difficult it will be to leave specially if you have kids etc...

• Sunk Cost: In economics and business decision-making, sunk cost refers to the cost that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered.

Why do you allow vile behaviour in your life op?
Because it's her normal, unfortunately.
This is better than her upbringing so the abuse cycle continues.
I think she'll get there though.
It will take a few more knocks.

Oh OP

He is following the EXACT trajectory of an abuser.

Please please please get out!!!!

You've had many many women here who are telling you the same thing. I'm sure many of them are talking from experience. I'm another one. I allowed abusers to destroy me to the point of me losing everything, and I mean everything. I am not even a shadow of my former self and I doubt I'll ever fully recover.

Please leave.

You have had 7 months of mental torment from your marriage, I can't see it getting any better, only you can act to make it stop. The overwelming opinions of MN carry the same message to you.
I hope you make the right decisions, Look after yourself.

For you to read when you have the time:

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-and-co-dependent-two-sides-of-the-same-coin/

Oh this is so difficult, isn't it?

I don't think my dh would ever become violent... He's not like that

It doesn't matter if he never becomes violent. He is still treating you like shit and making your life a misery, taking away your self-confidence. He doesn't have to hit you to accomplish that, but that doesn't mean it's not harmful to you.

I know how hard this is. It's like you're sitting at the wheel of a car and all of us are shouting "Drive away!!" but your husband has a hosepipe running into the petrol tank and is sucking out all the fuel as fast as he can. Which makes it damn hard to drive away.

You can do it, it takes most of us several tries. Just keep trying.