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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worried i may have married the wrong man...

588 replies

Ribbon14 · 16/01/2018 11:30

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

  • he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.
  • Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(
  • The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...
  • Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 16/01/2018 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rememberthetime · 16/01/2018 22:59

Your marriage sounds like mine - but I stuck it out for 18 years. Mostly because I had a child within the first year.

This is how I left

I got 2 years of counselling to learn that I was capable and to understand he was abusive
Then...
I opened my own bank account and had my earnings go into it. Then I paid for our shared bills from my account. This allowed me to save. He went mental about this but couldn't stop me.
I started driving lessons and passed eventually (he refused to allow me to get a car. I have one now)
I got a credit card with a limit that would allow me to move into my own rented place.
I told him I was leaving and did not allow him to convince me otherwise.
I left.

Now...
I drive everywhere, I earn good money (but still struggle, but its OK), I have a great relationship with my children and even his family, I am clam, happy and free from anxiety. Life is good.

Reclaiming my finances was the most important step. It gave me choices. I was terrified but empowered too.

Dappledsunlight · 16/01/2018 23:02

I think you already know he's controlling to the point of it tipping over into abuse. Would you accept this behaviour from a friend? Think long and hard about this. Would you feel happy having children with your DH given the examples of his behaviour? Sounds like you have a comfortable life now - picture his behaviour when you add the stress of a child. Having a child is a wonderful thing, but it is an additional strain in some aspects and, as others have mentioned, he may resent the child taking monopolising your attention.

Coyoacan · 17/01/2018 00:48

OP, I'm so glad that you have recognised the signs at this early stage. As for what other people say, you should see what people say to someone who has stayed with someone like that and had children with them.

The longer you stay with him, the fewer friends you will have and the less confidence you will have in your own ideas and decisions, apàrt from the bigger share he will have in your house. Also your MH will suffer. Nearly all the women in long-term abusive relationships that post here are on anti-depressants.

Softkitty2 · 17/01/2018 03:48

He probay like it when you are ill because then he has all the control.

Leave.

Softkitty2 · 17/01/2018 03:54

*probably

Fishface77 · 17/01/2018 06:33

God I hope op comes back.
This thread is highly stressful and I’m a stranger on an Internet forum.
I can’t imagine how op feels.
Op you are worth more than this.
Get out while you can.

HonkyWonkWoman · 17/01/2018 07:13

It is highly stressful Fishface77, I woke early and first thing I thought about.
Unfortunately, narcissist seems to have mesmerized OP already and she is making excuses for him.

I hope she realises that her life will be hell on earth if she doesn't get out of there, while she still can do.

deste · 17/01/2018 07:27

I hope before she tells him it’s over she gets her share of the savings out and leaves it with her friends before he gets his hands on it.

RestingBitchFaced · 17/01/2018 07:55

Hoping for update

TheTeaFairy · 17/01/2018 07:56

How are you today OP?

captainjackandjill · 17/01/2018 08:07

Dear Ribbon14

I just read your the whole thread, weeping and feeling sick to my stomach. I was you in my early 20s. I thought he was protective - WRONG. When he was jealous I thought it was because he loved me - WRONG. With the control came the blame game. He cut me off from family and friends. And then the physical abuse began, complete with him telling me I deserved it and it was my fault. Abusers always gaslight and escalate! They get a sense of power from dominating a helpless woman - THERE IS NO FIX FOR MEN LIKE THIS!!!

When I finally left, I slept on a friend's floor for weeks until I got enough money and somewhere to live. You have a home, please please seek support and fight for your home and your freedom. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! My Ex is still the same horrible person, he just no longer affects my life at all, no kids thank God!

That was almost 30 years ago. I have been married for over 20years now to a truly wonderful man. I'm a SAHM, but still have my own bank account, my own car and I buy what I want when I want. DH has never asked me in 20+years where I spend my money. Oh and I'm always freezing, DH has to boil throughout the winter cause I like the house warm. He set the furnace high for me and wanders around in shorts and never complains. This will be you Ribbon! You deserve a lovely man who treats you like GOLD!!!

Breath the FREE air Ribbon!Flowers

Womensplaceisintherevolution · 17/01/2018 08:15

I woke up thinking about this thread. Hope yesterday went OK ribbon, sending you a hug Flowers

0ccamsRazor · 17/01/2018 08:21

How are you today Op?

If you are feeling fragile and unable to eat get some soups and smoothies to help you keep your strength up, make sure that you keep hydrated and whilst you are very upset it would be prudent to start taking multi vit and mineral tablets also vit c. Drinking Echinacea tea may help too. Your immune system is likely to take a knock from being stressed and the last thing you need right now is being bugged up.

If you are feeling anxious, Valerian tea may help.

guestofclanmackenzie · 17/01/2018 08:25

Woke up thinking about you OP. Hope you're okay Thanks

BattleCuntGalactica · 17/01/2018 08:33

Please read this - non physical relationship violence..

That list is not exhaustive, and even if you only see ONE thing that your recognise, there's a problem.

Usedtobeanxious · 17/01/2018 08:51

Morning OP. I hope it went OK last night. You are in my thoughts x

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 17/01/2018 08:53

So when he arrived home he barely spoke to me and went on his phone. (in front of me). So anyway I had to bring up the fact we needed to talk. He did listen and eventually agreed he acts childish but it's hard to tell whether he genuinely believes that or if he's just saying that to please me. He also said he'd changed as if he can just click his fingers and he's a different person... We addressed the issue of me not being able to use my phone but as for cutting me off from my friends... Well we didn't get on to that. As usual he has apologised and grovelled and been nice to me so now I don't know what to do

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/01/2018 08:58

Do you honestly think he's changed in that instant? Or that he said, in that instant, what he thought you wanted to hear?

You've had doubts about this man almost from the moment you met him, way before you married him. It's who he is

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 17/01/2018 08:59

Ok so in a day or two when he reverts back to his usual ways, what's your plan? And he's not childish, he's manipulative and abusive. You are minimising and I don't think anyone here can snap you out of it and make you see the situation for what it really is.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 17/01/2018 09:01

I don't think someone can change instantaneously...but he says he'll be different. I don't know

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 17/01/2018 09:01

And really, the phone is the least important thing you need to be talking about. The isolation and financial abuse is more pertinent.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 17/01/2018 09:01

Well, we all know. How long until you do though?

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 17/01/2018 09:04

I know, you are right. He said he still thinks he's 15 which is why he behaves like this. But 15 year old don't necessarily act like this. There's a difference between being immature and controlling...

I guess the reason I minimise it is because of my dad and how he behaved which was a million times worse than dh. And my life is better now than when I had to live with my dad...

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2018 09:07

Ribbon

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse continues and that is a continuous one. He is really playing you like a violin here.

He told you simply what he thought you wanted to hear at the time. Abusive men all say that they will change; I bet your father said the same to your late mother. Such men do not change. Nothing of any real importance was discussed and you are still not an equal in his eyes. He targeted you because he knew he could exploit you further, of that I have no doubt at all. You are in all likelihood very much fearful of this individual as well.