worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

You want to make it work? Then stop seeking consensus and start taking your rights.

He makes you out to be the bad guy, he ignores your complaints, he negates your feelings, he has strops and moods over nothing. This tells you that his displeasure is to be ignored. It is not reasonable. It is like a child's tantrum.

Instead you take your rights and accept that he will have a paddy. That's OK.

Save your money in your own account not in a joint account. Go and see your parent-ish friends alone, often. Text when you want. Turn the heat up when you want. Ignore the foot stamping from him.

If he chooses to start behaving like a normal man when his moods stop you from giving in, that's great. If he becomes more of a dick then you will know you are right to get rid.

You've handled a lot in the last few years so you can handle this too. It will be shit to go through but life will be better afterwards.

Deep breath Ribbon keep posting

I wish you luck op.
I know you can't see it, but you have the whole of your life ahead of you.
It takes courage to act, rather than to remain passive, but he's forcing you into a prison.
The best time to go is always right now.
You actually have great opportunity of a great life, but if you stay with him it's gone.

OP remember you only get one life. Can you imagine the rest of your days like this? Xxx

OP, I really feel for you - you sound lovely. Please, please take the advice of the posters on here and find out your rights. Don't show him this, don't tell him you want him to leave until you have your ducks in a row.

You deserve better, and it's well within your reach xxx

I just don't understand why he's like this... why does he have such an issue with me texting or seeing people who are important to me? Why can't he just be normal?

He isn’t normal, Ribbon, and that’s the problem. On some level he believes he owns you, your assets, your money, and ALL your attention, all the time.

If you do something for yourself or text a friend, you are not paying him attention - do you see? You aren’t available in case he might want something. You are failing to devote your entire being to him, which he thinks is perfectly reasonable: he thinks that is your job, because he is the most important person in the world and you are there to service him.

He doesn’t think you have any needs of your own, or if you do they are unimportant.

There is no point in trying to ‘make him see’; he can’t. Seeing requires empathy, and I do not think he has any.

You can't fix him.

You are not happy, so it's best to sort out the split asap. The sooner you file for divorce the better. He will gain more claim on your house the longer you are married.

And once you make that decision it might be a good idea to work out how much money you put in the joint account and remove it, before he gets the chance to empty it.

When he tries to tell you this shit is normal and you are the crazy one, please don't believe him.

It's not you, it's him. Those few good things that you get a hint of from time to time are not real, they are calculated to make you think there's a good reason to stay with this abusive horror.

OP I know the couple said that but I'm suggesting speaking to them about the situation and explaining why you're asking.

Re your wages - what I'm really saying is create a situation where you decide what to contribute rather than him telling you what you are allowed to keep. Do so by putting the cash straight into an account or stash it somewhere safe. You sound like an articulate lady so you will be able to work out how you can achieve this.

Forgive me OP but you sound like you have decided that the situation is futile. I understand what that can feeling but don't fall into the trap of closing your eyes to solutions. Yoh need to seek out solutions and that won't be easy. It'll also involve you thinking differently. Don't allow him tk tell you that you must do this or you must do that. Your response to that should be, "excuse me, I am your equal and I have an equal say in this marriage. We are a partnership and I you won't act accordingly then please leave MY house."

You need advice about where you stand in the event of separation. Many posters give advice about financial matters but they are not qualified to do so and the law is different depending on where you live in the UK. In Scotland your husband would not have a claim on the house because a gifted asset is not matrimonial property.

Ribbon if you ever have children is this the type of man that you would want your daughter to marry? What would you say to her if she told you that her husband did all the things that yours does to you and that she's ashamed of getting a divorce? I imagine that you would tell her that it doesn't matter what other people think, that she's not responsible for her partners actions and that she is a strong capable woman who can break up with him.

Well done for recognising that the way that your husband behaves is wrong. If you can, seek legal advice and get support and help from your two close friends. He is already succeeding in beginning to isolate you from them. You can do this, you do not deserve to be abused. Look at how your dads behaviour affected you. This man doesn't love you, in fact he doesn't even seem to like you and that's so wrong. Please get out of this relationship, we're all here for you

Don't try and change his behaviour as you wont be able to. Change yours. Don't give him your cash. Turn the heating back on. Turn the water back on. Turn your phone off when you're with friends. Carry on sending the text or email. See if he gets the message and changes his behaviour to allow your relationship to continue (he wont) or just put up with it until you're a broken shadow of the woman you used to be.

Of course, you could always accept now that marrying him was a mistake and he's a controlling abusive twunt and that his abuse will continue to escalate and leave him now. But I suspect you wont somehow.

Don't be a statistic. Don't let your post be the only acknowledgement you ever make that you're being abused by the man who is supposed to love, embrace and lift you.

because if i just spent money out of the joint account on a dress or something, he would most likely be annoyed, saying it's a waste and that i don't need that so giving me 75 into my own account was supposed to be so that he wouldn't judge me.

It's not up to him to judge you about how you use YOUR money that YOU earn, especially when he's living rent free in YOUR house. As for him kindly "giving" you your own money - this is completely controlling and abnormal. Please transfer your money to your account immediately.

Please listen to your friends - they obviously see really clearly what he is doing to you and hate it. I'm sure they would help you if you break free.

It’s probably partly his house too as they’re married. Legal advice needed asap.

They haven't been married long, so hopefully not much of a claim on it.

I doubt he'll get much for a really short marriage and he's not paid any rent/mortgage

Can't see this being a big issue

OP you are young - go and enjoy being young. This man is suffocating you slowly.

That’s good, hopefully lawyers can advise how to make him leave!

Op mentioned he was lovely when she was ill- my abusive ex was also, but because it meant I was dependent on him and also he used it as a lever to try to get me to cut down or give up work so he could look after me and keep me at home where id be even more dependent on him - care as control.
Also, op thinks his family seem lovely and he can be lovely sometimes. My friend thought the same about her abusive ex and wasted ages trying to get him to be lovely again, and also the more I heard about his close, lovely, respectable family they were actually very dysfunctional and unhealthily enmeshed. The fact his mother asks about children could possibly be a red flag for lack of boundaries - my friends exs family were always on at her trying to rush her into having children with him as well.

Have you ever been in a relationship with an individual who demands your attention incessantly and becomes depressed, sulky and even full of rage if your attention goes elsewhere?

Early warning sign of a narcissist..its from the article above.Describes your situation.

What is so hard to understand is, why he does this and why it isn't fixable.

A short marriage means you are likely to retain the house...longer and he starts to have a claim.

Ribbon did you ring fence your house when you got married? If not, be prepared for him to fight for half the house.

I married a man I should not have done because I thought no one else would ask me. I was in that relationship for 36 years. It was the worst thing I could have done. Do not be me. I asked myself, do I want to do another 30 years like this, and no I did not, so I separated and left him and I am now happily divorced.

DO NOT WASTE YOUR YOUTH AND YOUR LIFE ON THIS MAN.

25! Jeez, ditch this horror of a human being and get out there. enjoy being mortgage free, go and travel, spend time with fun people, enjoy fashion, frivolity, living!

This marriage has aged you about 50 years!

I still think you should see s counsellor to help with your self esteem. If you saw someone stamping all over a beautiful flower in your garden you would be really cross with them but you are letting him stamp on you, and you are a human being and far more beautiful than any plant.
You need to realise how much you are worth and mean to people, he has no right to do this to you.

Good luck girl, we are all behind you.

Good luck op. Thinking of you xx

Firstly

Secondly please dont endure anymore of this because of other peoples opinions. I never realised the extent of my exs controlling ways until after we had broken up. I am a loud, confident person and would never think I'd ever be in that situation but it shows you that you just never know... It really showed up when i met my next partner who was lovely, he could ask me questions about anything (completely unimportant/mundane stuff) and my immediate reaction would automatically be 'this is a test be careful' after so many years of treatment like you have described. He will eventually have you doubting yourself over every little thing, he is starting this already by making his feelings (about you doing something simple like checking your phone) your problem to deal with until you stop doing it. He will make situations with people who love you so awkward you will end up cutting them off just to save their feelings. Please dont let it get to this, get some legal advice (quietly) and get things in order so that you can leave. Please dont let it get to the point where he has you totally trapped. And never feel embarressed about what other people may say...the people that love you will support you. Plus you may be surprised how many people have an inkling but dont want to push it and risk losing you further to him. Good luck op, I'm thinking of you.

It’s astonishing how many women who are trapped in abusive marriages / relationships can’t drive.

Op put that on your list of things to do

I've been thinking about you this evening OP. Hoping you have a peaceful night & also that you can feel love & support that's coming to you from this thread. Just reaching out & posting is an important start to this journey.