worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

It doesn't matter why he's like it!! He IS and he's destroying you bit by bit.

You aren't ready to leave yet in the face of unbelievable evidence. You need to talk to a proper therapist and get yourself to a place where you can get out of this mess.

Alternatively we wait for the post in 6 months where you're pregnant because he said that's what would help him change.

I just re read your posts and I would urge you to speak to a counsellor and get some support.

It must be really hard but I think this thread will be a real turning point for you and you will find the strength to deal with this.

Expect him to get worse once he realises you are gaining strength to leave, my sister calls it ‘the sting of the dying wasp’.

You can definitely definitely be happy again. Good luck.

Ps get your salary paid into your own personal account sharpish.

Ribbon, I have been in a relationship much like this and totally get what you mean when you say you have felt like you're on a rollercoaster you can't get off. But eventually I did. And all I can say is that leaving him will be extremely brave and no one who cares about you will judge you. You truly deserve better, these people do not change

He isn't normal.
He is just behaving like this.
The way he is behaving is who he is as a person.
He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong - why would he change?

Ribbon my story started out like yours, but the abuse was far more subtle initially. I was pressurised into getting married by him as I was pregnant. The abuse started shortly after. It became physical after 5 years of gaslighting, emotional, financial & sexual abuse. He also hit our children the same night - final straw & we left. He tried to take everything from me - children, job, my house that I had long before him. I also thought he wouldn't touch my house but he went for absolutely everything after bringing nothing to the relationship. 8 yrs on he continues to abuse me via the family courts looking for residency of 1 of our child. He can't move on eventhough he has a child with another woman.

DO NOT have a child with this man. He will never let you go & will try to turn your child against you - I speak from bitter & painful experience. Ofcourse his mum wants you to have a baby, then your trapped and can be fully controlled, possibly by them both. I'm sorry if this is harsh but everything pp have said is true. Get out while you have your sanity, you have an amazing future in front of you. Those you trust will understand and be there to support you, better now than in 1, 5 or 10yrs time.

@DrRanjsRightEyebrow

I could have written your post. I feel the same. I'm upset and saddened by this thread.

First your abusive father messed with your head and boundaries and now this individual (a carbon copy of your abuser dad) you married to is doing the self same. You were taught an awful lot of damaging crap about relationships in your childhood and that will need to be unlearnt.

Abusive people like you have been exposed to take an awful long time to recover from and your recovery from this person will only start when you are away from him. In the meantime you are mired in your own fear, obligation and guilt because these two between them gave you spaghetti head.

Its not your fault your father and your current H are the ways they are; you did not make them that way.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here in your marriage. Put on your lifejacket and help your own self now.

When one speaks about one's husband in a normal, healthy relationship, words like 'he allows me to have....' or 'he makes the decisions on how long to have the heating on etc' DO NOT FEATURE.

It is NOT NORMAL to be controlled by a spouse.

It is NOT NORMAL to feel like you plead for money/water/heat.

It is NOT NORMAL to feel hounded when you use a phone or computer.

You are in an unhealthy relationship which will NEVER get better. He is NOT waiting for you to grow a backbone. He is wearing you down knowing you are used to this from your father. You perceive the behaviour as whilst not great, normal. IT IS NOT.

It is abusive, controlling and NOT A MARRIAGE.

OP please take steps to protect yourself. I realise that it is not as easy as saying "leave him". Only you can decide that. I can understand why YOU feel that you want to give your marriage a go.

However, do not allow I ourself to become isolated. The relationship yoh have with the couple who are like parents is an important one. Confide in them to whatever extent you can.

Ask them to support you by continuing to invite the two of you over as a couple. This is tactical. Font place yourself in a situation where you don't interact with others as a couple. That will make his gaslighting easier.

Yoh may be able to turn your marriage around but the only prospect that you'll succeed is by putting in place boundaries. Ask him to explain comments which are inappropriate. "What do you mean by that?".

Do not appease. Ever. Consistency is key. Tacklevall inappropruate behaviour. Dont allow him to minimise. Don't let your self esteem slip.

Regarding finances. Have your salary paid to your own account. Decided how much you need for yourself to live a decent lufestyle, but within your means as a couple. Keep that amount and transfer the rest to the joint account for bills etc.

Sometimes you need to draw clear boundaries. They will either force your husband to respect you and pug your marriage back on track of they will draw out an even worse side to him.

You are a team. He is not the sole decision maker. You are an adult. Do not allow him to take decisions as if you were his child.

If he realises the days of you bring a soft touch are gone then you may save your marriage. But be prepared for the fact that his behaviour may escalate. Build a support network around you.

And keep posting. Even if you don't take all of the advice.

He will be home soon so will be my last message. Thanks for all your support. Will talk to him but I don't have much hope

OP Please, Please, Please if you do one thing this evening, read this -
www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

And when you have time, this - www.narcissismfree.com/art_taking-responsibility.php

Please listen to the advise you are getting on here OP.
Your DH is an arsehole. That's why he acts this way. He homed in on you because you have an abusive father and he knew he could control and manipulate you.
YOu need to see a lawyer this week. You need to get a divorce asap. He will not change he will only get worse.

You will find love, real love with someone else. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

This reminds me of that Julia Roberts film Sleeping with the Enemy.

My blood has ran cold reading about your relationship.

Please OP! Listen to, and take the advice given to you on this thread. I don't think that sitting down and having it out with him will do any good. In fact I'm actually quite worried about your safety if you do that.

Life is very short. He will never change. You deserve better than this.

Just adding to the chorus saying you must leave. He is abusive, it will get worse, you will be utterly miserable if you stay with him, he will not change. Call women’s aid, just tell yourself it’s just for a chat if it feels too final. Good luck.

The couple who are my friends won't invite us both over anymore as they find it intolerable...
Whta I earn is mostly paid as cash and he takes it and pays it in joint account

When you talk to him later you tell him he won't be taking YOUR money away from you.
Agree as I outlined above or at least put it to him.
His response will be all you need to know.
Go to your friends without him then.
And STOP trying to understand him
You never ever will because you are a nice person.
He is NOT!
That's all you need to know.
And if he suggests HE gets help (which he should) he should know that abusers should NOT be their 'victims' while they undergo the therapy.
And to get them anywhere near 'normal' takes 1-2 years.
And by the way, these courses work only on under one third of participants!!!!

No one will be surprised when you leave. Your own friends hate him.

Never mind about anything except your happiness and autonomy. No one deserves to live under someone else’s miserable rules like that.

Good luck this evening, remember, keep your mobile phone charged and on you. You can always lock yourself in the loo if you need to make an emergency call at all.

I will check in on you in the morning,

Thank you. :)

Just to check - you have seen evidence of your money in the joint account, right?

Yes

Fucking hell. Joint income £3k. No rent or mortgage and you have £75 a month to spend?? Where does the rest go?? How do you fill your car with petrol? Who's name is the £500 a month savings in? Please not his! Please take control back. You're 25 with the rest of your life ahead of you. Don't spoil your best years on him.

It's in my name. The rest just stays in joint account or gets used on things for house etc. I don't drive.... I probably should learn

you definitely did marry the wrong guy. He sounds like a cunt.