Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH smacked daughter in face

173 replies

needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 01:29

My H smacked our D in her face today. Down on her level and she is 5.

She had refused to come home in the street. She was being very difficult but this is no excuse.

After I took H in to our bedroom and told him it was not to happen again. I should have said because it is wrong, but knowing him as I do, I felt safer saying if you hit then you have no further road ahead. I was wary of attacking him in case he turned on me, verbally.

I can't sleep for thinking about what he did. There are other incidents that I can't mention. I am married to a man who becomes a violent one when someone defies him.

What should I do now? Please can I get some wise words. Is the slapping as bad as I feel it is?

OP posts:
EllenRipley · 15/01/2018 12:58

Sad please trust your instincts. His violent behaviour is obviously escalating. Slapping a small child is criminal. I'm pretty sure it's illegal now in the UK to give them even a wee smack on the bottom and one of the reasons for this is to protect children from this kind of assault. Sadly she will probably remember this - but if you leave and protect both of you, she will remember that also. Don't be dissuaded by his apologies or claims he can't control himself, this is a line that's been crossed and there's no going back. You sound like a good, lovely mum who's put up with too much for too long. It's probably an over-used platitude but you & your daughter deserve better. And once you're out of this situation you will look back and be SO glad you left. Best of luck xx

HazelBite · 15/01/2018 13:28

When I read the title I thought you were referring to your DH's reaction to a foul mouthed teenager!
Not a five year old!
I'm sure he is bigger and stronger than her so why did he not just pick her up and carry her home, if she was being defiant?
Sorry but it is atrocious behaviour, Op has to think long and hard about how she should deal with this.

mummaCL · 15/01/2018 13:32

Slap on a 5 year old’s face is not overreacting

theothersideoftheworld · 15/01/2018 13:35

I once witnessed a man slap his daughter round the face . Hard. She was about 8. She didn’t even cry, she must have been so used to it. She just held her bright red cheek and looked at her father so sadly. That was about 25 years ago. Even now I kick myself thinking I should have intervened or at least reported him.
If I had seen your husband hit your 5 year old I would have reported him myself. Don’t let your tiny child grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. You couldn’t protect her at the time but you can now.

myusernamewastaken · 15/01/2018 13:51

Op you need to get you and your dd away from this animal but do not inform the police unless you absolutely have to....you will have social services on your back forever if you do ....

Jamesarthur19 · 15/01/2018 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bekabeech · 15/01/2018 14:44

Most advice here is good (latest couple seem odd/rubbish and one hasn't read the thread).

My one comment is : often the most dangerous time is when you are about to leave. Take care.

HildaZelda · 15/01/2018 15:30

@PeacefulBlessing, your post really struck a chord with me.

I grew up in a similar household. When I was 8 years old my father kicked me between my legs. I can still remember it so clearly. I can remember being in my bedroom in tears after it and praying to God that if everything was okay (physically) I'd be 'good' in future so that he wouldn't do that to me again.
How fucked up is it that a small child thinks like that, that I blamed myself when I did absolutely nothing wrong. That I grew up absolutely terrified of my father.
Like you my mother saw it happen and did nothing. He never touched her either but she stood there and watched him beat a small child on a regular basis and did nothing to stop it.
About 3 years ago I tried to talk to her about it. She told me that I was a liar and 'That didn't happen'. I will never forgive her for it and haven't spoken to either of my parents since. I never will again.
It has caused me so many problems as an adult. I'm happily married to DH now but have been in abusive relationships before and been used and abused by men because I was too scared to say no in case they might be cross with me, the same way my father was.

OP, you don't want your daughter to grow up like this.

I'm so happy that you have decided to leave. You realise that he's not going to change and that it will only get worse. I'm delighted that you know that your DD is the most important person in your life and that she needs to be protected from him.

You are without a shadow of a doubt, 100% doing the right thing in leaving him.
I wish you and your DD peace and happiness in your new life together.

PeacefulBlessing · 15/01/2018 15:47

Hilda

What happened to you was horrific Flowers

When I was a child, I was told that she dreaded the phone going on PE days in case it was someone at school who'd asked me where the bruises had come from. But then, on other days, she'd deny that conversation had ever taken place.

It happened several times over the years.

When it was brought up in the last conversation, she managed to say "I don't know if you remember, but your dad used to hit you". You don't know if I remember? Are you fucking joking?!!

Unbelieveable.

Sadly, I've only had abusive relationships and a failed marriage to a man who didn't love me. I'm incapable of having a 'proper' relationship; I don't feel deserving of love.

needadvice so pleased to hear you're going. This is the greatest gift you could give your daughter Star

PeacefulBlessing · 15/01/2018 15:51

I mean the conversation and the denial happened several times over the years. The other stuff was pretty much constant.

Started when I was 8 and I started to challenge things and ended when I was 18 and left home.

I can still remember the silence that fell in the dining hall at school when one of my friends asked about the bruise on my arm (it was a nasty one) and I just said "oh that's where my dad hit me" because, until that moment, I'd been led to believe both that it happened to everyone, but also that it happened to me more because I was so unloveable and deserved it.

In the conversation that ensued, I learnt that not a single one of my friends had ever been hit by their dad. One said her brother had been smacked a couple of times in childhood but never since he turned 12.

I was 16 or 17 at the time.

OP You are so doing the right thing.

Pointlessfacts · 15/01/2018 16:02

If ANYONE ever hit my child, I'd beat them with a bat.

I couldn't stay with anyone in fear they'd do it again.

TempusEejit · 15/01/2018 16:20

@peacefulblessing God your story about your conversation with your schoolfriends echoes mine. I was around 5yo when I asked a friend "how often do you get smacked?" and I was astonished then totally disbelieving when she said "I don't get smacked." I can still clearly picture the scene of when and where I asked her, it's like a snapshot in my head.

My dad used to smack me hard across the arms, legs, face, etc, I was asking my friend not because I thought the smacking was wrong but that I must be very badly behaved and I wanted to compare notes. My mum told me once that she went to change my nappy and found my backside was covered in bruises (cloth nappy so little protection) because I'd picked a flower in our garden that I wasn't "supposed" to, I was only around 2yo ffs. I went no contact for 15 years with both my parents until just before the fucker died. I have minimal contact with my mum now.

Sorry OP your post triggered me needing to let it out. You're doing the right thing in leaving, I'm still messed up from my dad's actions, hopefully you can give you and your DD a better life.

FruitCider · 15/01/2018 17:12

My instinct is to leave.

Follow your instinct. Ring the police and leave today. Do not remain in the house with him.

PeacefulBlessing · 15/01/2018 17:34

I can still clearly picture the scene of when and where I asked her, it's like a snapshot in my head.

I know.

So many snapshots...

Flowers

I remember talking to a friend's mum when I was about 17. I decided I was going to confide in her because I really needed to tell someone. She worked in a women's refuge so I thought she'd understand. I remember sitting in their living room asking her loads of questions about women and children fleeing DV situations.

She explained that many women leave 6 or 7 times before they finally stay away and I can still remember her answer to my question, "what changes? What is different about the time they leave and don't go back?" and she said, "it's often when he hits the children. Women will take an awful amount themselves to keep the family together, but the second he hits the child, she's gone"

And I never said a word.

In my case, my dad apologised when I was in my late 20s. My mother was actually emotionally abusive and she was vile to him (I could see it as an adult). It's no excuse but he vented his anger, frustration and sense of helplessness on me because hitting her would have meant losing his job and hitting me was disciplining and errant child. In theory.

You are awesome, OP Flowers

Badbadtromance · 15/01/2018 18:30

Op I've been where you are now. If I can do it so can you. Good luck

Whowhatwhy · 15/01/2018 18:52

Oh my goodness. So sorry to all of the brave women on here who have been through so much. OP, heed their words. Learn from their experience and get your precious 5 year old out of there. Flowers

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/01/2018 19:00

Flowers Flowers to everyone sharing their stories here. And so sorry that you experienced violence from the very people meant to protect you from harm.

HildaZelda · 15/01/2018 19:20

@PeacefulBlessing and @TempusEejit, isn't it awful that although we're all grow adults now, we're still blaming ourselves for the abuse our parents put us through.

Get out now OP while your DD is still small. At 5 she'll be okay. She has plenty of time to adjust and probably won't even remember much.

I was 20 when I left home (I was working full time at 18 and had to try and save money for a couple of years) and while the physical abuse had stopped by then, the mental abuse continued. I'm almost 40 now and the first half of my life still affects the second half badly.

ConfusedButInLove · 15/01/2018 19:32

If he can freely slap you child in the middme of the street. God knows what he is happy to serve as a punishment when behind closed doors when you are not around.

I would report this to the police. And seek legal advice as to a divorce and custody if my children.

CloudPop · 15/01/2018 21:20

Very best wishes to you. Stay strong and remember your own values

lolitsok · 15/01/2018 22:01

Good luck op, you’re an amazing mum xxxx

mrssapphirebright · 15/01/2018 22:11

Please leave him or one day you will watch your grown up daughter marrying a man just like this as she will grow up thinking it's ok and normal for a man to do this to a woman.

You will lie awake at night worried sick that her husband will beat her and your grandchildren. And you will have no control over it.

You do however have control now. You can change your destiny and that of your poor innocent daughter. You both deserve far far better than this. Please get out and get away from this nasty piece of shit.

Taylor22 · 15/01/2018 22:17

I know you're in Europe so the rules may be different but I'd heavily suggest after you are safe calling the police and reporting the assault.

This is because you need concrete proof to fight him when he requests unsupervised visitation.

CatRen27 · 15/01/2018 22:24

You're amazing OP, stay strong. You're absolutely doing the right thing and making your dd proud to have a mum who protects her and puts her first.

ConfusedButInLove · 15/01/2018 22:31

OP I have read the full thread and love your strength.
If it was myself at one point while he is away/ travelling back, I would text him and ask him to confirm he will never hit the child again. If he replies to you will have in writing he has hit the child even if he denies it in the future. (But that would only be if you are safe and feel like you are able too.)
I have found out from my ex get everything in writing. I only communicate with him via text as there is a paper trail.
Good luck op Flowers