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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH smacked daughter in face

173 replies

needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 01:29

My H smacked our D in her face today. Down on her level and she is 5.

She had refused to come home in the street. She was being very difficult but this is no excuse.

After I took H in to our bedroom and told him it was not to happen again. I should have said because it is wrong, but knowing him as I do, I felt safer saying if you hit then you have no further road ahead. I was wary of attacking him in case he turned on me, verbally.

I can't sleep for thinking about what he did. There are other incidents that I can't mention. I am married to a man who becomes a violent one when someone defies him.

What should I do now? Please can I get some wise words. Is the slapping as bad as I feel it is?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 15/01/2018 02:10

Even in the days when people normally smacked their children, hitting them in the face was completely forbidden for very good reasons.

You need to leave this man, asap. You know yourself you should have left the first time he raised a finger to you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/01/2018 02:12

Please leave. Save your DD from a childhood of violence.

Do you have somewhere you can go to while he is away this week? Because frankly a solicitor can be done after you are away, the priority is to get you both away and safe. You cant tell him before you leave, you must just flee.

k567 · 15/01/2018 02:17

If he doesn't know it's wrong HE WILL do it again. Protect your little girl.

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 02:18

I need to behave like nothing has happened until he gets on a plane. Definitely won't confront.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 15/01/2018 02:19

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/ some ideas here of how to plan staying safe and leaving

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 02:19

When I told him it was wrong he agreed and said 'yes, I need to stop doing it'.

He knows it's wrong. He has no control.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 15/01/2018 02:22

He has shown you he is violent to you and now he has shown he is violent to your child

Your choices are leave, protect yourself and your child, teach her that no one ever deserves to be beaten even by someone they love

Or

Stay, but know if you stay you are choosing that knowing he will probably be violent again and not only that but you won't be able to stand up for her when he is because as you said above you felt you couldn't say anymore than you did incase he turn on you.

I'm sorry if the above sounds harsh but the reality you are in is harsh.

Good luck Flowers

BattleCuntGalactica · 15/01/2018 02:23

You remove him, or yourself and your daughter from the situation. He HIT your child.

It is every bit as bad as it sounds. Take your daughter and leave him.

pallisers · 15/01/2018 02:24

you need to report this now.

Otherwise it will be minimised when you do bring it up (in divorce). I just asked her to come in, I didn't slap her, she is exaggerating because she hates me, she shouldn't have our children because she will make up these stories about me - you get the picture.

A man who can slap a 5 year old little girl across the face in public is dangerous. not just to his wife and children. he is very very dangerous to them. But also to the general public. He is out of control.

The most immediate danger is to you and your children. Call the police. Call womens aid. If you don't do it now at least remember it now and do it the next (worst) time.

Angharad07 · 15/01/2018 02:24

“He knows it’s wrong. He has no control.”

This is what abusers say to their victims. He has absolute control, just like the rest of us. He’s using his violence and need for control to dominate and rule you and your child.

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 02:27

@Ginkypig - point taken and appreciated .

@SuperLoudPoppingAction - thank you.

OP posts:
DunedinGirl · 15/01/2018 02:27

Call the police on him and get yourself and your little girl out. If he's capable to doing that to a five year old child, you're both in danger. Perhaps he does need help but it is not yours or your daughter's job to wait patiently while he gets it.

Hope you and your daughter are OK, OP. I imagine she's in a state of shock too.

ChickenMom · 15/01/2018 02:38

Your DD was being difficult as all children are sometimes. What do you imagine she will be like when she’s a teenager? What will happen then? Will he start punching her in the face? All she has to do is tell a teacher what has happened and you’ll have social services involved (quite rightly). You could loose your kid or at some point, she’s not going to want to know you because you did nothing to protect her from her father. Why are you even contemplating staying or trying to justify it? Why even give him the chance to do it again. He responded to a difficult situation with violence. This is how he gets his own way? This is how he parents? What a pig. It is illegal and it is vile. If you have somewhere to go then pick up your daughter and go. Why do you have to wait until he’s on a business trip? Tell him that what he did is unacceptable and you are leaving. What do you think he would do if you did that? If it’s “respond with violence” then wow...you absolutely must get gone. Wait until the 1st time he’s away from the house and go. Book into a hotel if you have to!

RonaldMcDonald · 15/01/2018 02:44

He does have control

Unless he slaps everyone he meets across the face he has control

He chooses not to use control around a young child who expects safety, consistency and love from him

He has significant domestic violence issues that he will need expert intervention and a great deal of will on his part to change.

I'm sorry this has happened to your daughter. Stay safe and please keep your daughter safe, someone must.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/01/2018 02:44

Not your job to "get to her on time" but I think you know that.

Take joy in the fact that you are about to take control and show him that he's lost out big time thanks to his nasty ways.

flumpybear · 15/01/2018 02:45

He's violent towards you, and now your daughter ... you're right to leave him

Isetan · 15/01/2018 02:53

It’s your home too and you’ve ‘normalised’ his behaviour thus far and explains why him attacking your child, wasn’t immediate grounds to kick him out. Your response will be part of your DD’s normalisation of your H’s behaviour and you need to act pre-emptively because if your DD discloses what’s happening in your home, SS will want to know why you haven’t prioritised her safety.

This is an escalation and another instance of him testing your boundaries and your boundaries not being robust enough.

octoberfarm · 15/01/2018 02:58

Oh love, it's definitely time to leave. What he did is terrifying, and given that it seems to be part of a larger pattern of violence, I think you know it's only going to keep getting worse. He isn't even horrified by what he did.

You and your daughter deserve so much better than this, and one day she'll look back and see how you fought for her right to be safe, and did what you had to do to protect you both. The last thing you want is her growing up thinking that a man treating her that way is normal, or that she deserved it. Five year olds are tricky sometimes, but how he responded is so wildly disproportionate.
Do you have anyone you can stay with, or someone you can talk to? Stay safe until he leaves. Sending you all the good thoughts in the world, you can do this Thanks

MaitlandGirl · 15/01/2018 03:06

I accidentally slapped my daughter in the face when she was 5. ExDH was tickling me and I flailed and caught her, totally by accident.

She still remembers it, she remembers the shock and the fear that I’d hit her and the confusion that her Mum had hurt her. I remember the wide eyed look of shock on her face then the tears that followed.

She’s 20 now and hasn’t ever forgotten it but she understands now it was a total accident.

You need to talk to your daughter, if you haven’t already, and explain that yes she should have come in when she was told but that her dad was totally wrong in what he did. Make sure she realises that his reaction was totally over the top and she’s not responsible for him hitting her.

I hope you have a good meeting with your solicitor and you and your daughter will be safe from now on.

DarkJustBeforeDawn · 15/01/2018 03:07

I'm not sure how custody works, but would this need to be reported to police or some other organisation with a regards to future custody decisions?

I would do everything possible to ensure this man does not get unsupervised visits with that poor little girl, due to his violence and potential to retaliate for the family breaking up.

Don't let him be around your daughter or yourself, you both deserve much better in life - to be happy, safe and secure.

ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2018 03:11

Trust your instincts.

Photo asap to get evidence of bruising.

Write a detailed account of what happened - time, witnesses etc - whilst it is fresh in your mind.

GP to get her checked out and to get it on record.

Police and solicitor. As soon as you possibly can.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this x

Bowerbird5 · 15/01/2018 03:17

I have adult children they received a quick smack on the bum or legs occasionally. There friends were mostly brought up they same we never hit them on the face. The next time it might be her head. The force of an adult hitting a child. Like this could fracture her neck.
In this case I think you need to get out of there.
I agree plan it out. Get somewhere safe to go. Pack your stuff up put it in storage until you find somewhere better to live but in the meantime go to friends, family, women's refuge anywhere.
I am not one for saying LTB at the drop of a hat but I would be afraid for your child's and your own safety. Social Services would take a very dim view of this behaviour. It may escalate especially as she gets older.
Please stay safe I have seen what domestic violence can do to children even if they are not touched. I work with children. It has a profound affect on them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/01/2018 03:46

He knows it's wrong. He has no control

As PP have said, he has control he just chooses not to use it with you and now her.

Has he been sacked from every job he has ever had for belting someone who pissed him off? Does he have a criminal record for violence against strangers? I am betting not. But he hits you, and her, because he thinks he can and get away with it.

Its not too late to report him for his violence against you as well as her, the police will take it seriously in light of what he did to DD.

But first, run away.

Coyoacan · 15/01/2018 04:01

It is very important that you report this because, as others have said, this is the only way you can limit his access to your dd after you separate.

ForFoxHake · 15/01/2018 04:08

This is beyond any form of discipline. From your OP, this doesn't seem to be out of the norm for him. I'd be looking for a swift exit. Follow your instincts and reach out to people you trust for support.

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