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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH smacked daughter in face

173 replies

needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 01:29

My H smacked our D in her face today. Down on her level and she is 5.

She had refused to come home in the street. She was being very difficult but this is no excuse.

After I took H in to our bedroom and told him it was not to happen again. I should have said because it is wrong, but knowing him as I do, I felt safer saying if you hit then you have no further road ahead. I was wary of attacking him in case he turned on me, verbally.

I can't sleep for thinking about what he did. There are other incidents that I can't mention. I am married to a man who becomes a violent one when someone defies him.

What should I do now? Please can I get some wise words. Is the slapping as bad as I feel it is?

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 15/01/2018 07:29

Get the hell out and protect your DD. I would call the police even if only to get the incident on record so that when he wants access you can ensure it’s properly supervised

MrsBertBibby · 15/01/2018 07:33

Surely you're not dropping your child at school without telling her teacher what a horrible traumatic thing happened to her yesterday?

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 08:05

The context of our family seems to me to be long story.

Violence is wrong. That is simple.

I've read the advice from the solicitor. I am overseas. I am processing and remaining calm.,

OP posts:
Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 08:05

I am going home to quietly gather all paperwork. I am handling this.

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 15/01/2018 08:09

Good work OP.

Gazelda · 15/01/2018 08:12

You're doing the right thing OP. But get some help, family or friend. And speak to the police and a solicitor. You're going to have a difficult time ahead, make sure you've got everything you need in place.

DunedinGirl · 15/01/2018 08:15

Good on you OP. Wishing you all the best.

Lalimerente · 15/01/2018 08:17

Well done for being protective. If someone at school heard this they will have no choice but to refer to child protection and your actions on this matter will go in your favour

FrancisUnderwood · 15/01/2018 08:18

All the things you're feeling are absolutely right and absolutely justified.
Don't let him try to minimise this, as you already know, it isn't right. Good luck.

SparklyMagpie · 15/01/2018 08:26

Good luck OP! Just think towards a happy,safe future for you and your little girl x

lilybetsy · 15/01/2018 08:52

he has no control

does he hit people who annoy him at work ? in the street ? NO ? well he does have control, he just loses it with children and family ...

Not OK. and I too would leave until at the very least he recognized this for the huge huge problem it is and agreed to (and completed) anger management.

its assault, and you could (and should tbh) tell the Police so that its on record of he ever does such a thing again

cestlavielife · 15/01/2018 08:58

You need to report it or he will get unsupervised contact with her
Speak to school safeguarding lead yourself. Tell them everything. They can help.

tiptopteepe · 15/01/2018 08:58

These things tend to escalate not get better. You cant talk him out of this if its his natural response to anger. He needs to do a lot of work on himself and he wont do it if you are there because he will be able to minimise and justify it to himself if you stay 'oh it cant be that bad, shes still here' or he can tell himself its always you or your childs fault.

Tell people who can support you. Your friends, your GP, your childs school, your family. Dont be ashamed, this is in no way your fault. Ive had a violent ex myself and they do make you feel like you should be doing better in working with them to make them sort it out. But its not in your power to do, because its not you behaving like this, Its him and its him who needs to sort it out.

Keep you and your daughter safe from him, thats your responsibility.
Get away from him you cant help him and it will get worse.
So sorry you are going thru this Flowers

Polarbear46 · 15/01/2018 08:59

Your H slapped your 5 year old

also There are other incidents that I can't mention

For the love of fuck, phone the police and get this arsehole well away from you and your child. Now

Myheartbelongsto · 15/01/2018 09:50

I was married for 12 years and my ex husband hit our then 7 year old across the face. I will never ever forget the high pitched scream that came from my boy. The hand mark was visible with raised white edges of his finger marks.

I left and so should you but you probably won't as you're here asking is slapping as bad as you think.

You should protect your child from this bastard. Imagine how your child is feeling and only 5 years old what a cunt.

thethoughtfox · 15/01/2018 10:43

You have to leave / get him to leave.

Womensplaceisintherevolution · 15/01/2018 10:49

Well done for posting this op. You are doing amazingly. Thinking of you today, you can do this Flowers

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 10:51

Thinking of you today OP and wishing you strength. You'll get through this Flowers

AnneOfCleavage · 15/01/2018 10:58

When I told him it was wrong he agreed and said "yes I need to stop doing this"

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 10:59

The Woman's Aid website was very helpful. I have made up a bag and have documents kept hidden.

I told my husband that it is illegal to smack (which it is and also wrong). His reply: 'I hate it when society tries to tell you what to do'.

We will be leaving this week. I've told a friend. I won't let this rest now.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 15/01/2018 10:59

You're amazing, OP. I wish my mother were more like you.

This is how abuse started from my father (actually, I have since learned that he hit my mother a few times shortly after they married). She minimised and normalised and to this day maintains a ridiculous narrative that bears no resemblance to what I remember of being slapped, kicked and punched around. It's left scars, I don't mind saying. But you're a lioness and you're going to protect your daughter.

Ginkypig · 15/01/2018 11:00

Ineed

I just want to say you are strong and you are brave and you can do this. I know it seems impossible, but once your looking back on this from your new life you will probably struggle to remember ever thinking it was a bad idea.

Can you access any DV organisations for advice/support. If you can it could be very helpful to keep yourself and dd safe while your leaving. I know your in a different country so women's aid wouldn't be an option (might be able to advise you of an organisation in your country maybe?)

I'm sorry again I was harsh last night, I only wanted to show the black and white of situation that vile person has put you and dd in but I said it while at the same time feeling nothing but support for you and wishes of strength!

AnneOfCleavage · 15/01/2018 11:00

Sorry posted too soon

OMG if he said he needs to stop doing this he is admitting he has done it before so why did this not ring alarm bells more? This is not the first time he's slapped / hit her then?

Ginkypig · 15/01/2018 11:00

Sorry advice too late Blush

Lovely333 · 15/01/2018 11:01

Honestly I think you need to leave him and call the police, It needs to be logged, You cant trust him with her.