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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH smacked daughter in face

173 replies

needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 01:29

My H smacked our D in her face today. Down on her level and she is 5.

She had refused to come home in the street. She was being very difficult but this is no excuse.

After I took H in to our bedroom and told him it was not to happen again. I should have said because it is wrong, but knowing him as I do, I felt safer saying if you hit then you have no further road ahead. I was wary of attacking him in case he turned on me, verbally.

I can't sleep for thinking about what he did. There are other incidents that I can't mention. I am married to a man who becomes a violent one when someone defies him.

What should I do now? Please can I get some wise words. Is the slapping as bad as I feel it is?

OP posts:
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/01/2018 04:30

There has been such good advice on her.

It must be so daunting, the prospect of leaving him, like a mountain to climb, but you know you have to do it, as others have said.

SO he's going away mid-week?

Hope you find the strength & resources to seize the opportunity to do it then, OP, and don't let it drag on.

How is your daughter?

mathanxiety · 15/01/2018 04:49

Talk to your DD and tell her what her father did was not her fault at all, and that she did not deserve to be treated like that.

Please go to the solicitor and talk about how to divorce.

Please also talk to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.
Leave a message and ask them to call you back; state a good time. You can also e-mail.

As PPs have said, it is important to report this so that you will have a chance to keep visitation in a contact centre. Did anyone see what happened outdoors?

Also, as PPs have said - he has control. He chooses to inflict this side of his personality on his family. He has chosen to turn family relationships into a power game.

sashh · 15/01/2018 04:54

My instinct is to leave.

Listen to your instinct

PeacefulBlessing · 15/01/2018 05:25

My dad used to do this and similar regularly. I was scared of him growing up and used to hide in my wardrobe or wrap myself up in my duvet so he couldn't get to me.

My mother did nothing - he never hit her. He raised his hand to threaten her once and my younger brother and I stood between them and shouted at him to make him stop. He did.

But she did nothing to protect me.

The last time I spoke to her, I was in my late 30s. This came up and I asked her why she'd never stopped him; why it had never bothered her. She emotionally told me that it had upset her. That everytime he hit me a bit of her love for him died and that it had bothered her. After all that's why she always left the room; so she didn't have to see it.

It has affected me my whole life. Please, please do what is right by your daughter and leave.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/01/2018 05:30

PeacefulBlessing Flowers Sad

Shoxfordian · 15/01/2018 05:38

Violence is never ok in a relationship

Please leave and keep your child safe from him

ReggaetonLente · 15/01/2018 05:39

She needs to know that this is not okay and that you will do what is necessary to protect her.

I'm not saying you have to leave him straight off, but counselling, seeking help, open and honest discussions with all of you present about how what he did is not acceptable and will never happen again all need to happen IMO.

I grew up with a father with an explosive temper - as you say, who became violent when defied, by his children, his wife, even colleagues and strangers sometimes - and it's caused me untold damage. It's not just the physical violence, it's the walking on eggshells, the never knowing what might set him off, the humiliation, the shame, the fear. It took a lot to rebuild my self esteem once I'd left home.

My mother did not protect us, in fact she blamed us. If we weren't so naughty then daddy wouldn't have to 'explode' - that's what she called it. It has forever damaged my relationship with her too.

I'm pregnant myself and it's brought up a lot of feelings about my family of origin that I'd buried quite deep. I love my dad, and he's mellowed a lot in his middle and old age. But I wouldn't let him or my mum look after my child alone, because I know the worst that could happen. Honestly think if that's what you want your daughter to think about you when she has kids.

Giraffeelephantgrape · 15/01/2018 06:41

Please leave, your instincts are right. You and your daughter deserve to be safe.

Giraffeelephantgrape · 15/01/2018 06:45

And I say that as someone who was never protected as a child. I still feel upset with my mum for not protecting me.
An awful situation but you can do it. You can leave him and have a better life for you and your daughter

ASauvignonADay · 15/01/2018 06:49

Listen to your instinct and leave. If your daughter tells someone else it could be taken out of your hands.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 15/01/2018 06:50

Yes you need to leave for your daughters sake, and for yours. This will happen again and you can't let that happen.

AnotherEmma · 15/01/2018 06:56

Your instinct is spot on. I think your plan to leave when he’s away on business is excellent. There is some useful advice on staying safe on the Women’s Aid link shared by a PP. Can you call Women’s Aid today, will you have a moment when he’s not around? The number is 0808 2000 247 (open 24/7 and if it’s busy please keep trying).

I don’t want to scare you but I think you and your daughter are in danger, and I hope you will consider calling the police too. Women’s Aid can advise on it if you are unsure.

moomin11 · 15/01/2018 06:58

His response of 'yes I need to stop doing it' implies he's hit her before?

He has been violent to you and he is now doing it to your daughter too. You need to leave for both your sakes. Please protect your daughter.

My dad used to hit me when he lost his temper, including once because I was 'hysterical' after falling down some stairs. I was about 4 years old. Over 30 years later and I still remember it clear as day.

WetsTheVet · 15/01/2018 06:59

Smacked? How hard are we talking?

OP you need to leave. It's your responsibility to protect your child

LordWalterTheCourageous · 15/01/2018 07:07

Teach him a lesson show him how angry you feel and show him you will not tolerate his behaviour. A visit from a couple of local police might have the desired effect. Protect your family.

MrsBertBibby · 15/01/2018 07:10

I'm a family solicitor.

You should report to police, who will start a joint investigation with social services. This is notnoptional. If you fail to do this your ability to prevent him having unsupervised contact with your daughter is minuscule.

You can also get legal aid to get a non molestation and occupation order getting him out of the house. This will be much easier if the police are involved. Get a legal aid solicitor. If you are happy to give a rough location I may have suggestions of firms.

Do this now, not when he goes away.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 15/01/2018 07:12

I was smacked in a standard 70s/80s way by an angry and emotionally abusive mother. The one time I remember being really shocked was when I witnessed her slap my brother in the face. There's something truly horrible, about hitting a child in general, but especially about hitting them in the face. If mine did this to my dc I don't think there would be a way back. (We don't smack, at all, and I would find it hard to get past any hitting, but this in particular).

Plus there seems to be more going on here.

Your instinct is correct. Follow it.

Shakey15000 · 15/01/2018 07:13

Your poor DD. She needs to know that it was wrong also.

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 07:13

I am still here and on the school run.

It's a long story. Still reading.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/01/2018 07:13

You're instinct is right

You're poor poor little girl, I can't imagine how frightened she is of her dad

You need to keep you and her safe

I can't understand why some people would stay and ignore it if their child was absued

MrsBertBibby · 15/01/2018 07:14

The bit where he smacked your daughter in the face isn't a long story at all.

justilou1 · 15/01/2018 07:16

My mother was the violent one. Nine broken arms and nobody stood up to her. I will never forgive my dad for not saving me from that. It was much easier for him to pretend I was "clumsy" than to have to organise alternative care for me.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 15/01/2018 07:18

You need to grow a set here OP and do the right thing. Follow the advice given by the solicitor above. You will not get better advice but any delay will make it all look contrived and if he lawyers up, he will use that against you.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/01/2018 07:19

Leave and protect your daughter.

If she mentions this at school today they will have no choice but in invoke their safeguarding practices.

MissTeri · 15/01/2018 07:24

Please don't let your daugher think it's acceptable for her to be treated this way. I know exactly how that feels and I know the damage it has done to me mentally. It led me into abusive relationships because I felt it's how I deserved to be treated and abusiveness felt 'normal' and comfortable to me, whereas people who were kind made me feel on edge and uncomfortable. Really took me more than ten years to even begin getting over it and I never fully will, broken bones heal much more quickly than a broken psyche.

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