Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH smacked daughter in face

173 replies

needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 01:29

My H smacked our D in her face today. Down on her level and she is 5.

She had refused to come home in the street. She was being very difficult but this is no excuse.

After I took H in to our bedroom and told him it was not to happen again. I should have said because it is wrong, but knowing him as I do, I felt safer saying if you hit then you have no further road ahead. I was wary of attacking him in case he turned on me, verbally.

I can't sleep for thinking about what he did. There are other incidents that I can't mention. I am married to a man who becomes a violent one when someone defies him.

What should I do now? Please can I get some wise words. Is the slapping as bad as I feel it is?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 15/01/2018 11:01

I told my husband that it is illegal to smack (which it is and also wrong). His reply: 'I hate it when society tries to tell you what to do'.

Well let the fucking kingpin go and live on a deserted island and smack the moss around to his black heart's content.

I'm so glad you're all getting out of there.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/01/2018 11:03

What country are you in? Is that your home country?

Darcychu · 15/01/2018 11:04

shes 5???? my god!

No one learns from getting smacked! that is absolutely vile!

SlowlyShrinking · 15/01/2018 11:06

Good luck op. Stay strong. Keep angry and that will carry you through for now.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 15/01/2018 11:10

Pm me if you'd like me to look into support in your country if you don't want to name it on here.

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 11:11

We are in Europe. There is a network here I know about now for support and some remaining friends he hasn't alienated.

Just to be clear, he never hit the children before. Just me. I would have gone before, as I am going to do now.

When I saw him slap a child, I could at least see that during past incidents he was always going to hit me, anyway. Rather, that it isn't something we have caused.

It's okay. We are leaving.

OP posts:
RhuBarbarella · 15/01/2018 11:13

Good luck. I admire your calm strength, keep it up until you have left. Well done you.

ohtheholidays · 15/01/2018 11:15

Well done OP you've made the right decision.

Once he attacks the DC there is no turning back,this time it was a slap(which is bad enough)it would soon escalate to a punch and then a broken bone or two.

I'm glad you've taken it seriouslly and are getting away from him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/01/2018 11:19

You're being very brave, I wish you well.
By the way, you're a great Mum, stay in touch, so that we know you're safe. 💐

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 11:20

You're a very brave woman and a fantastic mother Flowers

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/01/2018 11:22

No advice, just sending you a hug x

Stay safe

ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2018 11:23

Please please be careful. Don’t even give him a whiff of your plans. Statistically you’re in a dangerous position - if he gets any idea of you leaving he could well panic and attack you or the dc.

Please, keep your documents and bag well hidden. Could you give them to a friend for safekeeping?

Also clear your internet history and call history if you can

Jaxinthebox · 15/01/2018 11:26

I am glad you have made the decision to leave, but please be very careful.

Lovemusic33 · 15/01/2018 11:33

I’m glad you have decided to leave, stick too it, this will also be a big lesson to your dd that it is unexceptable to let a man treat you this way. I hope you get all the support you need, if at anytime you feel threatened then call the police x

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 15/01/2018 11:45

If you want some control regarding him having access you need to involve the police. You won't rest if he has unsupervised access. He could break her neck by slapping her.

Mycashybear · 15/01/2018 11:50

It is not ok for him to hit you..ever
It is not ok for him to hit your DD...ever

You know what you need to do. Get yourself a strong support network and leave. That I understand is completely easier said than done. It is one thing for him to hit you and you to choose to stay it’s another when that overspills to your child....she has absolutely no choice and she is relying on you as her mother to protect her.
Please be careful as hard as it is do the right thing as a domestic violence survivor you can do it it is the right thing. Your DD needs you safe and happy not fearful and hurt. If you are not strong enough yourself do it for her absolutely do it for her. Don’t let the cycle continue. This is not OK

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 15/01/2018 11:56

Don't want to come off too negative here OP. You have made the right choice. You have a brighter future ahead of you.

Original poster
needadvicenow81 · 15/01/2018 11:57

I have learned to keep my phone with me, my internet history cleared, my phone always placed face down, rare messages about it deleted, my keys in my pocket, my passwords safe, my plans vague, to omit the names of people I see.

You learn to do all these things. Bag is well hidden.

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 15/01/2018 11:59

If you have learned all that then you are long term victim of abuse.

Do you have somewhere to go?

TossDaily · 15/01/2018 12:01

My mother used to do this to me. It's completely humiliating. My dad used to watch her do it. I'll never forgive either of them.

You are what stands between your daughter and an emotional and physical damage. Take it seriously.

TossDaily · 15/01/2018 12:01

Sorry, I just read the rest of the thread. What a bastard he sounds. Good luck and keep safe, OP. Flowers

Mooncuplanding · 15/01/2018 12:08

Yes, please do not let him get an idea of what you are planning. You must be super stealth about this.

I took a few hits too but when it moved onto the children....instantly gone. I understand what you mean when you see it happen to someone else that it clicks, especially your child.

Please be careful and yes, also be prepared for a shit storm which will include massive tearful apologies that quickly move onto blame and anger - he will not like this one little bit and will use every tactic in the book.

Yet despite what's coming from him - it only goes to show you are doing the right thing

Good luck

Hillingdon · 15/01/2018 12:27

I am going to be really tough here and say don't be one of those women who doesn't go through with it. Who would rather be with a man - any man...

My close relative was with a man who treated her like this. No children and yet she allowed it to continue. I am not going to pretend I understand why. Her parents were at their wits end - the issue made they ill. She didn't care about that either, she covered and lied for him and in the end all of us had to step back. We said she knew where we were but we weren't listening to the lies, excuses and pretending all was Ok when we met them.

Eventually it was him that called a halt on the relationship having found another women.

I was slapped a few times (different generation) and if it was a one off perhaps it could be forgiven but as he has already started on you - JUST LEAVE. NO EXCUSES, NOT STATEMENTS SAYING YOU LOVE HIM, NO PUTTING YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND.

Just go. Your daughter deserves you to do that. If you cannot do it for yourself do it for her

ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2018 12:31

Bloody hell, it’s heartbreaking to know that you’ve learned to live life like that Sad

You’re doing so well. You’re doing this. You’re going to be free Thanks

Hissy · 15/01/2018 12:55

I second what ohfourfoxache said, it's utterly heartbreaking that this is what you've had to live like.

I have an ex like your STBX, they don't change, only ever get worse, so know now that you are definitely doing the only thing you can do in this situation, which is to leave him.