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Original poster

Man I like announced out the blue he’s getting married

154 replies

Eskio · 14/01/2018 07:04

Hi, please help.. name changed for this as feel embarrassed.
Last August I met a guy and we see each other every day (we don't work together). I saw him first and thought he was gorgeous. There started to be eye contact, body language signs of attraction then gradually over the months between last summer and this Christmas we got talking and every day now we see each other and have these in depth conversations and have really got to know each other. I’m crazy about him and never met a man like him. Last week, he suddenly broke the news to me he’s getting married this year Confused wtf!! Never ever once in all the time we’ve been talking mentioned any girlfriend but told me so much about himself!! I’m confused and upset. Played it completely cool when he told me and forced a smile and said ‘ahh congratulations’.
Why did he not mention a g/f before... then suddenly dropped this bombshell. He doesnt seem happy or excited about it. Just says how he wished he’d been single longer and how his life is boring and he never goes out or does anything!! There is such a huge spark of chemistry between us I feel so gutted I’ve met someone like him then to be told this Sad

Wwyd.........

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/01/2018 09:43

I disagree Bluntness. If it was “just chatting” and “just being nice” you would mention your significant other early on and not months down the line

This makes no sense, plenty of people have commented they also wouldn't. If you're not remotely interested, why would you mention it? It's very easy not to and not to without thought.

The key clue is, six months and the guy never once made a move. I think In this instance, you'd have to think well clearly he wasn't feeling some deep connection and wasn't crazy about her, he was just chatting on the train.

TyrannosaurusBex · 14/01/2018 09:44

I read it that the in-depth daily conversations took place 'over the months between last summer and this Christmas'. So quite a lot of time/talking.

princesssparkle1 · 14/01/2018 09:45

@AnotherEmma - if you're right then the fact that he HAS now mentioned his SO indicates that he's now had enough of Train Lady.

Engorged · 14/01/2018 09:47

What a catch Hmm...not.

His poor fiance saying he wpuld rather been single longer. To be honest OP i wpuld bet he was already married. Two of the men in my friend's department used to act like this with peolle they met on the train, sometimes for months and months. They woukd the drop the bombshell and say how unhappy they were tk see who would fall for it and become OW.

It sounds like youve built up the crush in your head too to make him perfect for you. I wod bet youve missed some clues and red flags because of it.

Id opt for cool but civil if you want too.

ScreamingValenta · 14/01/2018 09:48

If he had been deliberately concealing his girlfriend/fiancee he'd have no reason not to continue doing so. I think he is either genuinely oblivious to OP's feelings, or he's only just realised and has mentioned his fiancee to signal his unavailability.

If he'd wanted an affair, he's had months in which to initiate one - he hasn't; he'd at least have secured a phone number if that was on the cards - so I don't think the 'grooming OP to be OW' theory stands up.

The comment about wishing he'd been single longer and his life being boring sounds quite throwaway to me; it is, however, a fairly dickish thing to say in the circumstances - the whole behaviour pattern points to someone who's just not very emotionally aware, and OP is clearly better off out of it.

Engorged · 14/01/2018 09:48

Bloody predictive text!

BoredOnMatLeave · 14/01/2018 09:50

Sorry OP but I agree with bluntness. Doesn't stop it from being shit for you though Flowers

Magpie24 · 14/01/2018 09:50

So I have been in a similar situation. Great chemistry with a guy, spent lots of time with him chatting, had a few drinks on our own, nothing romantic actually happened, but we had a great connection and I thought, a spark. We were texting a lot and it seemed more than friendship.

One day out of the blue he told me he had a girlfriend and he was then married within six months.

I now have an absolutely wonderful DP so it was a blessing in disguise.

So my advice would be although it hurts now try your best not to get too hung up on it, he's not worth your time.

Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 09:54

Thank you to the kind people who’ve helped me on this thread. Some quite bitter people on here - funny.
Thanks all - over and out Brew

OP posts:
raisedbyguineapigs · 14/01/2018 10:00

Thyrannosaurus no there was eye contact and body language but no talking from August until Christmas (about 3 weeks of the pre christmas period I presume), then talking, then the Christmas break ( up to 2 weeks) then chatting again in the new year (2 weeks ago) when he mentioned his fiance! That's about 6 weeks! I dont understand why some women thing men are trapped in relationships with women they dont want to be in! I read too much celeb gossip. Its the same thing. The amount of famous men who are for some inexplicable reason with women they hate/ who are being blackmailed by them/ who they are constantly cheating on is ridiculous. Its mainly other women who come up with these fantasies where the poor helpless men are the nice guys who are being held hostage by evil other women and forced to have relationships with them/ proposing marriage to them!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/01/2018 10:00

Lots of details left out by the OP.

What exactly were the topics of these “in-depth” conversations?

And if he has described something he did at the weekend and used “we went to X pub”, why did you never ask “who was that, was it you and your girlfriend, or your family?” Isn’t that the normal way that people figure out more details about someone’s life and their domestic arrangements? Eg, if he was talking about cooking his dinner and how he Hates cooking, it’s usual to ask “Do you not share with anyone who is a good cook? Girlfriend? Flatmate? Or do you tend to rely on your mum’s Sunday dinners when you want a good feed?” Said in a casual jokey way.

Even if you’re not interested in them in a sexual way, then it’s quite the usual thing if you’re REALLY having in-depth conversations about each other’s lives to question more about the details of what they’re saying. OP, doesn’t sound you’ve ever asked these sorts of questions, which is odd.

raisedbyguineapigs · 14/01/2018 10:02

Sorry OP that wasnt meant for you. It was a general musing that came across as a bit mean now I read it back. Ive been there with unrequited love. Its shit. But hes not the one for you!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/01/2018 10:04

Re: him wondering if he should have stayed single for a bit longer..... I’m just imagining how that could easily happen. OP tells him about a heavy weekend she’s had, club, hangover etc. Maybe he’s stayed in with his girlfriend and feels his life sounds a bit less exciting than OP’s social life as a single. I could see how he could make a casual jokey remark about some people having exciting social lives and “mine feels a bit boring in comparison with your stories about you and your mates, maybe I should have stayed single a bit longer ha ha!”

VioletLupin · 14/01/2018 10:04

There'a a load of bullshit here. Too many people who think they are behavioural psychologists. All this twaddle about being groomed, bit on the side etc.

OP You feel let down. I get that. But I think there are men who like to share and overshare and HAVE NO IDEA that for a woman this seems to indicate emotional closeness or investment or a precursor to something more.

Being charitable he may have sensed you had the hots for him, realised he could have given a false impression about how he felt , so he's come clean now.

It's all 'ifs'.

I'd like to know if the conversations ever included YOUR status; did he ask if you had a partner? You say you talked a lot but most people would ask who the other person lived with or if they had a partner at all.

I'm a bit puzzled how you always sat together unless you met at the station each day implying you live in the same town...which again suggests a lot of topics like where you each live (and with whom) were never discussed.

My guess is there was always a gap (mind the gap!) between what he had invested and what you had. Some people are just like that; they share, but don't join the dots and appreciate how it looks to others.

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 10:06

PMSL at 'behavioural psychologists'.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 14/01/2018 10:18

He's used you as an ego boost. If I were you I'd start getting a different train. Either you've misread the situation or he's treated you badly.

toomanycreambuns · 14/01/2018 10:21

Same thing happened to me with a guy at work. We had a very nice flirtation going on. Not once did he mention his girlfriend. It came out in a meeting when we were discussing room service in a fancy hotel when someone said, "Ooh, Rachel would like that, Nick!".

I nearly cried.

I came to the conclusion that he was hedging his bets then saw him in a completely different light. I completely went off him! Would you want to be with someone who has intimate conversations on the train with some random woman and doesn't mention you? I think you can do better than that.

VioletLupin · 14/01/2018 10:21

I think you should tell him that he doesn't sound ready for marriage, if he wishes he were single longer, his life is boring etc and ask him out for a weekend in Paris. Ta da!

Have you read this?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2533460/How-I-love-8-21-A-dreary-daily-commute-handsome-stranger-aisle-story-make-heart-soar.html

TheNaze73 · 14/01/2018 10:24

If there was a genuine spark, something would’ve happened.

He’s done nothing wrong here whatsoever. Just because people talk to pass away the time on a commute, it really doesn’t mean he had feelings for you. If you were interested, why didn’t you ask him out earlier?

Good luck for the future OP, I don’t think he’s deliberately concealed anything here though

ClaryFray · 14/01/2018 10:33

Some people on this forum love a good man bash. Even when it could be an innocent thing, he's obviously plotting.

It seems odd he didn't mention her, maybe he was stressed with the marriage planning. Sometimes it's nice to be you without a partner

Cricrichan · 14/01/2018 11:04

In my opinion it's odd to not have mentioned it once in 6 months. I'd struggle not mentioning my dh to someone I chat to for months. Or my kids or my dogs. It would take deliberate omission.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/01/2018 11:19

It's a bit odd that he has only mentioned his forthcoming nuptials now, and he's not exactly speaking about it in a positive way. He doesn't sound that great of a guy and I'd be very wary of him. Sounds like he has been enjoying the ego boost. I'd avoid from now on.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/01/2018 11:34

I knew a guy who did this, regularly, on purpose. With women he worked with or commuted with or passed on the way to the commute every day.

He’d build it up - eye contact, personal info, little touches etc - over time, and then enjoy the crushed look on their faces when he finally mentioned his wife and kids.

It boosted his ego. Nice guy Hmm

You’re entitled to feel miffed and disappointed and I agree that his ‘boring life’ comment is to keep you somehow engaged, as if there’s a chance somewhere...

It’s bullshit though. Keep your dignity but reduce the energy you put into this acquaintanceship.

Jessie06 · 14/01/2018 11:56

Similar thing happened to me, met a guy at work, and after he left we carried on talking to each other by text, we really got on and could talk for hours about anything, I honestly felt a connection, he never mentioned a gf. One day when I asked what he was doing in the evening he said dinner with other half..so I was a bit like eh? to myself. I backed off a bit from then on but he was still initiating conversations with me nearly everyday. Not long after he announced his engagement on fb! I could not carry on talking to him from that point, as much as I thought there was a connection and I enjoyed and looked forward to our conversations, wasn't worth the heart ache so dropped all contact. Part of me wishes I had just let him know how I felt early on and then he probably would of mentioned gf or made it clear his intentions as in the end it was an awful investment of my time and emotions. I still don't know if he felt anything for me or simply wanted someone to chat to when he was bored, but in honesty if he had any feelings for me he wouldn't have got engaged! But hey you live and learn, I feel kinda used and think he should not of been talking to me as much as he was when in a relationship and I bet his gf had no idea.

I would say don't invest anymore time in this man OP or you will waste time carrying on talking to him and always second guessing whether he is actually happy in his marriage and hoping for a something more and it will take over your thoughts and emotions. Out of sight out of mind is my motto. If he asks why you have stopped talking to him be honest and tell him why.

ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 12:12

This is so weird. You spoke to someone on the train. He never took it any further. I probably wouldn't mention a partner to some random person on the train. And the other pp who are saying they had similar situations didn't really as this person never asked for the ops number they never called/text or met for drinks.