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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man I like announced out the blue he’s getting married

154 replies

Eskio · 14/01/2018 07:04

Hi, please help.. name changed for this as feel embarrassed.
Last August I met a guy and we see each other every day (we don't work together). I saw him first and thought he was gorgeous. There started to be eye contact, body language signs of attraction then gradually over the months between last summer and this Christmas we got talking and every day now we see each other and have these in depth conversations and have really got to know each other. I’m crazy about him and never met a man like him. Last week, he suddenly broke the news to me he’s getting married this year Confused wtf!! Never ever once in all the time we’ve been talking mentioned any girlfriend but told me so much about himself!! I’m confused and upset. Played it completely cool when he told me and forced a smile and said ‘ahh congratulations’.
Why did he not mention a g/f before... then suddenly dropped this bombshell. He doesnt seem happy or excited about it. Just says how he wished he’d been single longer and how his life is boring and he never goes out or does anything!! There is such a huge spark of chemistry between us I feel so gutted I’ve met someone like him then to be told this Sad

Wwyd.........

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 14/01/2018 07:58

It seems that the op is not the only one capable of reading far too much into a commute chat 🙄

LemonRedwood · 14/01/2018 07:58

I really don't understand all the people saying he was playing a stunt or leading OP on. To me, it sounds like the poor guy was just enjoying talking to a fellow commuter, at some point realised that she viewed the relationship between them differently so he brought up his fiancee to let her know he's not available.

All this grooming her to be his bit on the side is a bit of a leap.

Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 07:59

Me and my commute partners talk about values and stuff that matters to us. They talk about their horrible bosses and I talk about mine. We talk about world peace and poverty and the state of the country. We really have in depth discussions and we really know each other.

We are not having emotional affairs.

I’m sorry op but he’s just been chatty to pass the time and I honestly think you’ve read too much into it.

Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 08:00

Thanks all for your thoughts on it. I do really appreciate it and helps me put it into perspective. I believe his marriage was all planned out since before we met. But yes I've taken heed and it was my mistake for not being more forthright in finding out that important detail though he has had many opportunities to have mentioned it before, even in passing. Just seems odd that someone would tell me so much indepth stuff about themselves but neglect to mention their partner and that they're marrying said partner in a few months time. C’est la vie I guess!

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 08:00

But he has mentioned it?

Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 08:02

He mentioned it last week. That’s when I found out.

OP posts:
Thatsnotmybody · 14/01/2018 08:06

I'd imagine it's taken him a bit of work to avoid ever mentioning his fiancee... Never saying "we" or referring to her in any way in any context. It's not an oversight, especially when forming a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Now it's come to something too big to hide - he couldn't exactly pretend to go on his honeymoon alone or take his wedding ring off for the commute, so he's dropped it in there as if he hadn't been deceiving you. Sorry op, what a time waster, sounds like he's been stoking his ego and playing a fantasy game.

InfiniteSheldon · 14/01/2018 08:06

Just says how he wished he’d been single longer and how his life is boring and he never goes out or does anything this is is the line those of you saying the OP has read to much into it and it's just a friendly chat on the commute are missing. Would you mention your fiance for the first time and add this to someone?

Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 08:07

But I say “we”, I just don’t think I’ve specified the “we” - it could mean a bunch of friends or me and my girls or me and my three kids or me and my dad or me and my partner.

I’m going to have to make sure I mention my partner on Monday.

Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 08:08

But if you say you wish you’d been single longer, surely that means you have a partner?

Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 08:09

Thank you infinate and itsnotmybody. You seem to understand better. We dont just talk about politics or whatever we know a lot of personal stuff about each other and I felt like we’d opened up to each other its just crazy how he managed to skirt round it for this long. But anyway opinions gratefully received and digested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 08:10

Yes bluedog he said that at the same time he told me last week!

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 14/01/2018 08:11

I agree it’s odd to have many conversations and for this key thing not to come up.

Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 08:12

I’m now really worrying that I’ve somehow given a wrong impression on my commute. I can’t rememver if I’ve ever specifically mentioned my partner and now I’d feel terrible if I do because if the man I travel with has romantic ideas he’s going to think I was leading him on.

I can’t phrase it very well but we talk about the stuff that’s bothering us on our journey. And because me and my partner get on well and it’s smooth and easy, he doesn’t come up specifically in conversation.

Dozer · 14/01/2018 08:15

It was an emotional affair, for him, if as it seems he talked to OP about very personal /emotional stuff.

He lied by omission to OP (OW unbeknown to OP) and bet will also have lied to his fiance.

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 08:15

He wasn't honest because he isn't honest. He has pursued regular and intimate conversations with you and is comfortable doing this whilst concealing the fact that he is planning to get married. I think you just found out a bit more about the person he is. I think you were lucky here. I have experienced this too - a man who really actively pursues commitment/a life/children, but then portrays to the rest of the world that they didn't really want this and have been pushed into it. It's despicable really. Don't feel sorry for him. He obviously has no concern for you.

Dozer · 14/01/2018 08:15

It didn’t just “not come up”: he lied by omission.

Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 08:18

I wouldnt worry bluedog unless you sit together every day and have long personal chats finding out about each other, theres been lots of eye contact, you catch him giving you appreciate looks etc. that kind of thing? Stuff that goes beyond basic commuting pleasantries?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eskio · 14/01/2018 08:19

Thank you Dozer. You get it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 14/01/2018 08:19

I think some people are being too harsh towards you OP and too lenient towards him.
I don’t think I’d go as far as calling it an “emotional affair” or accusing him of lining you up for an affair. But I think he has been enjoying a flirtation with you, he likes your company and attention, and now the insinuation that he’s unhappy in the relationship and wishes he was single... it’s not the kind of behaviour of a straightforward, friendly guy. If he was honest he would have mentioned his fiancée before, not necessarily every conversation or going on about her, but he would definitely have mentioned her.
I think he liked the idea of keeping his options open but for whatever reason has decided to mention it now.
Btw if he was really unhappy in the relationship he would be postponing or calling off the wedding. Don’t buy that shit.
I would cool down a bit if I were you, be polite but sit elsewhere on your commute.

Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 08:21

What’s a personal chat?

I do eye contact when I talk to people. I also smile a lot and tell people they look good if they’ve a nice outfit on (eg my friend commuter got a new coat for Christmas and I told her it was lovely on her)

ShangriLaLaLa · 14/01/2018 08:22

So sorry it’s not going as you might have hoped op. How do you feel about sharing commutes with him in future?

BattleCuntGalactica · 14/01/2018 08:22

Everything @justkeeponsmiling said. Men LOVE having their egos stroked, and will remain sneaky secretive fuckers about it too.

sofato5miles · 14/01/2018 08:23

He Is fishing. For what I don't know. But don't declare anything. At MOST, if you feel there is something genuine between you, you could say that you wished he were single.

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2018 08:23

Lol. People can read all manner of crazy scenarios into in.

Honestly op, he's never once asked you out, he's never asked for your phone number, there is no contact outwith the commute and he's mentioned it now. I think you need to look at what those actions are telling you.