I sexted another man but feel my OH is over reacting. Opinions?

[Mish2890]

Me and my OH have been together or 9 years and we have 2 kids together.

I've worked with this guy for around 7 years, we've become good friends and work in a close knit team of 6 which includes 2 of his sisters. We went on our Xmas do and after everyone went home it ended up just being me and him. We got a bit flirty but nothing happened and we went home separately. Over the following days we got a bit flirty over text until one day we were proper sexting but we shortly realised what we were doing and put a stop to it.

As far as we were concerned that was it, we stayed friends and carried on as normal, no one needed to know as nothing actually happened and we put a stop to it as quick as it started right?

Fast forward a few weeks and my OH looked through my phone and found messages. He confronted me and I admitted to everything and we broke up.

He wants us to get back together (as do I) but he says if we have any chance then I have to quit my job as he can't face me working with this guy. I understand where he's coming from but it just seems extreme, I need a job to pay the bills and it'll be hard to find another job if I just quit! I'm happy to look for another job but I refuse to leave the one i'm in as practically it doesn't make sense!

I know i'm in the wrong but we all make mistakes and I feel like losing my job is a bit extreme and will just make me resent him?

Thoughts?

I sympathise with your OH. if I was in his situation I would feel very uneasy about you continuing to have daily contact with this 'good friend' in a 'close knit team'.

You didn't make a mistake. You chose to sext. He doesn't trust you. Don't blame him. You can't play the innocent here.

You’re not really in a position to set demands. You’ve breached your OH’s trust and it’s up to you to rebuild it. You need to decide what the most important thing is - that specific job or your OH.

You've rattled your OH's trust. To be honest I don't think changing job is the answer - they'll struggle to believe in you either way from here on in.

Why did you keep the texts?

You cheated. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want you working with the guy you cheated with.

I do have to query why he was looking through your phone though. Sounds like there are more issues than just this and so quitting your job might not be enough anyway.

Well if my dh was sexting, I’d show him what fucking hell was!

You didn’t make a ‘mistake’ you made a choice to send those texts, nobody held a gun to your head I assume? It shows a complete lack of respect for your partner and the life you have together. of course you can’t continue to work with the other guy and expect that not to impact in your relationship

You are in no position to play the oh poor little me I made a mistake card

One approach I've seen on here is complete and utter transparency- so your DP knows exactly where you are and who you are at all times, he has access to all of your accounts (email, social media etc).

Particularly until you change jobs- he'll also probably want proof you're actively looking for a new job.

Or wait until you have a new job until you give it another try.

We got a bit flirty but nothing happened and we went home separately. Over the following days we got a bit flirty over text until one day we were proper sexting but we shortly realised what we were doing and put a stop to it

Talk about minimising! You betrayed your OH. No two ways about it. That would be enough for me to leave, the same for DP.

I sexted another man but feel my OH is over reacting. Opinions?
No he's not over reacting but you are minimising your behaviour.

When you've done what you've done you don't get to say what is and is not an 'extreme' request. If you want it to work with OH then leave the job when you've found something new. If you don't want to leave the job then don't get back with OH. It really is that simple. You broke the trust.

Stop lying to us, to yourself, to him.
You didn't shut it down as soon as it started. It started when you flirted, then you chose to continue it to sexting. So stop with the minimising bullshit!

You're lucky your husband is prepared to give it another go. Not working with the man you cheated with is a fair condition. Your choice if you care enough agree to it. It's far from an over reaction

The fact you talk about potential resentment at leaving tells me that your husband is making a mistake taking you back. You should be bloody glad, and have no concerns about resentment. Unless you like your job more than your marriage.

I do think when there are bills to pay and jobs to find, it's hard on your husband but you may have to work a while longer there. But you should absolutely make it as short as possible.

I also think getting back together until you realise the gravity of your actions and feel remorse is pointless. Unless you understand the hurt you’ve caused your OH, what’s to stop you doing it again? Nothing.

So you “got flirty” at a works do then staring sending flirty texts which then got sexual.
This wasn’t a one off thing, it went in over days.
I'm with your DH and think he’s correct to expect you to change jobs.

Why did you do all this anyway? Do you actually want to be with your H?

On the one hand I feel that ultimatums like this are damaging and unreasonable.

On the other hand I think he has good reason to feel the way he does about you working there.

The sum total is really why get back together?

You broke his trust so severely that he doesn’t feel that there is any reasonable way he can trust you again. That’s what that means IMO.

You having a laugh? You know - everyone knows - what the boundaries of marriage are and you shat all over them.

Have a

Ps:

i know i'm in the wrong but we all make mistakes and I feel like losing my job is a bit extreme and will just make me resent him

Probably. Give the bloke a chance at happiness and split now. It’s obvious your hearts not in it.

YABU.

He should be ending it with you.

Why did you keep the texts?

Overeacting is what all cheaters say about their partners reaction.

Do the man a favour and let him go.

I do think if you care about him, you need to find another job. I'm not saying you should leave this one with nothing to go to, but you do need to put your back into getting a position elsewhere and prove this was a stupid error of judgement that will never be repeated.

I don't blame him for not trusting you.

If your job is more important to you than he is, then stay put and end your marriage or tell him you will stay married but you will stay in your job.

Personally, I would allow my dh access to my phone and say I would look for an alternative job, which I would do.

I am sorry but you were very silly and this is the price he thinks is necessary to make him feel secure and trust you again.

He sounds pretty damn reasonable to me - I'd be getting a divorce, especially if my DH minimised it like you are doing