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Relationships

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Original poster

I sexted another man but feel my OH is over reacting. Opinions?

134 replies

Mish2890 · 11/01/2018 14:18

Me and my OH have been together or 9 years and we have 2 kids together.

I've worked with this guy for around 7 years, we've become good friends and work in a close knit team of 6 which includes 2 of his sisters. We went on our Xmas do and after everyone went home it ended up just being me and him. We got a bit flirty but nothing happened and we went home separately. Over the following days we got a bit flirty over text until one day we were proper sexting but we shortly realised what we were doing and put a stop to it.

As far as we were concerned that was it, we stayed friends and carried on as normal, no one needed to know as nothing actually happened and we put a stop to it as quick as it started right?

Fast forward a few weeks and my OH looked through my phone and found messages. He confronted me and I admitted to everything and we broke up.

He wants us to get back together (as do I) but he says if we have any chance then I have to quit my job as he can't face me working with this guy. I understand where he's coming from but it just seems extreme, I need a job to pay the bills and it'll be hard to find another job if I just quit! I'm happy to look for another job but I refuse to leave the one i'm in as practically it doesn't make sense!

I know i'm in the wrong but we all make mistakes and I feel like losing my job is a bit extreme and will just make me resent him?

Thoughts?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 11/01/2018 14:46

OP just stay finished. If the situation were reversed and you felt the hurt your bloke has then you’ll want the same.

Why did you keep the texts and why was he looking through your phone in the first place? It sounds as if things were ending anyway.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 11/01/2018 14:46

He isn’t unreasonable. At all.

However. It also depends on your financial situation (especially if you were to get divorced...), the job market in your area / profession etc.

What about a compromise?

You try to find a new job ASAP and promise your DH to have no contact that isn’t directly work related with this man?

VladmirsPoutine · 11/01/2018 14:47

Sometimes when emotions cool somewhat people can choose to talk reasonably. I've often found this doesn't actually work as someone almost always carries bitterness which just leads to an eventual separation.
I wouldn't leave your job by virtue that you need to survive somehow - and in a worst case scenario, you might leave your job then he walks out on you leaving you up shit creek. But you need to have serious talks about how to go forward with regards to transparency etc. Just because he's still willing to stay together doesn't mean that one day in the coming months he won't just think 'forget it'.

Actions have consequences, however minor or discreet one considers their actions; there will be consequences. You've learnt this the hard way.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 11/01/2018 14:48

Start looking for a new job, stay as far away as possible from your affair and let your DH check your phone until you’ve stsrtrf working at the new place?

BifsWif · 11/01/2018 14:48

It’s clear you don’t give a shit about him, so let him be free to find someone who does.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2018 14:48

YABU.

I think you've convinced yourself that your behaviour was acceptable. It wasn't.

I think you should be counting your lucky stars he wants to give it another go and jump at the chance. So you end up with a shittier job? Tough. Suck it up, you caused this.

0ccamsRazor · 11/01/2018 14:49

How do you feel about the responses to your question Op?

DuckOffAutocorrectYouShiv · 11/01/2018 14:49

Emotionally, I can see his point of view. As others have pointed out, you have hurt him and broken the trust in your relationship and don’t seem that aware of the seriousness.

However, practically, I can also see yours re the employment. Unlike a fair few on this thread. What if you hand in your notice and it takes you a while to find another position? What if in that ‘in between’ period, your OH changes his mind and decides that actually he just can’t trust you at all, full stop, and the working with the other man was a red herring (as is his right, of course). You have 2 kids to support, how will you do that with no job? Yes, appeasing your ex in a bid to rebuild your relationship is important but as an adult and a responsible parent, you have to consider how you’ll keep a roof over your kids’ heads and food in their mouths in the event of relationship breakdown.

TBH, I would be proactive about showing my partner that I was remorseful and understood the seriousness and consequences of my sexting, but that does NOT necessarily mean binning my job without something else to go to. How about counselling? You don’t sound particularly remorseful, that does need some work before you get back into a relationship with your ex.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 11/01/2018 14:49

wouldn't leave your job by virtue that you need to survive somehow - and in a worst case scenario, you might leave your job then he walks out on you leaving you up shit creek. But you need to have serious talks about how to go forward with regards to transparency etc. Just because he's still willing to stay together doesn't mean that one day in the coming months he won't just think 'forget it'.

Yes, Op. you’ve messed up and you should stop downplaying it. But I do think that you still need to be careful about your financial situation.

Bettyswitch · 11/01/2018 14:50

Your going to get your arse handed to you posting shit like this on here!
However, i think your relationship was probably already having problems & thats why you did what you did.
Do u 'really' want to get back with your Dp?
Have a proper think about it before you commit to working things out.... Seems you were already halfway out the door before you got caught?
You left them msgs there to be found op.

Megs4x3 · 11/01/2018 14:54

If you want to save your relationship, I think you need to change your job. How you can reasonably expect to rebuild trust with your husband if you continue to work with this man is a puzzle to me. People - and you - seem to think that sexting is nothing but it's not. It's a betrayal that will time and work for you to come back from. You're lucky he wants to work things out with you. For many it would be a relationship-breaker.

Sugarplumps · 11/01/2018 14:57

It amazes me how negative everyone is being. Sexting isn't cheating, especially a one off that burned your fingers, iyswim. It's a shame you didn't delete those messages and move on with your life. Tell OH that you'll look for another job (and make sure you do!) but he's going to have to trust that you made a one off mistake and try to calm down. If what you took away from this is that you want to be with your partner and you don't want to cheat, then tell him that.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/01/2018 14:58

It amazes me how negative everyone is being. Sexting isn't cheating

But wouldn’t it break your heart if you found out the person you loved had done it?!

Notreallyarsed · 11/01/2018 14:59

Sexting isn't cheating

It is. It really is. Talking about sex with someone that isn’t your partner/spouse is a massive breach of trust.

maddnessintheroost · 11/01/2018 15:01

You have a choice. Relationship or job. Personally I wouldn't take you back. Sexting/flirting whilst in a relationship is not ok

Megs4x3 · 11/01/2018 15:01

Oh, yes, sexting is definitely cheating. As is anything sexual that you do with someone else that you don't want your partner to know about.

HazelBite · 11/01/2018 15:02

It really depends on how much you value your marriage/ want it to work.
Does your job mean more to you than your DH?
What were the reasons behind you doing what you did in the first place?
How strong was/is your marriage?

maddnessintheroost · 11/01/2018 15:02

I should stress - with someone else its not ok. It is cheating - just not the physical kind

RedForFilth · 11/01/2018 15:04

Setting is cheating to me. The intention is there and it's intimate. I've been cheated on before and my tolerance for this shit is so unbelievably low. I know I deserve to be treated better, I hope your ex realises he does too.

mamamalt · 11/01/2018 15:06

Jesus. If this was someone posting about their other half every single post would be advising people to LTB and telling the OP how little she was respected. So I’ll tell you straight you have done a despicable thing. You clearly have no respect for your partner and have treated him like crap. There really is no grounds for you to turn it round on him and say he’s over reacting. He will react how he sees fit and you have to suck it up and do what you can to make it right.

Gazelda · 11/01/2018 15:07

I think it would be reasonable to agree with your DH that you will look for another job, but not leave this one until you have an alternative.
Maybe agree a 3 or 6 month deadline?
You'd be mad to ditch a job when your marriage is so rocky and a divorce is a strong possibility.
But I think you're downplaying your actions, and his hurt. You don't sound to be eating much humble pie.

Jaxhog · 11/01/2018 15:09

Reverse this and then see how you feel then.

Look for another job, and agree to leave your current job within 2 months. He has free access to your phone in the meantime. You've lost his trust, so you need to rebuild it. This won't happen overnight.

Sparkler09 · 11/01/2018 15:09

You cheated.
You disrespected the purity of your relationship and showed a side to your "friend" that only your OH should have seen. And now you're both acting as if it was nothing.

You're minimalising.
And you blew your kids family apart just for a bit of your own self enjoyment.

And if you want your OH back, then I believe he's well within his rights to ask you to leave that job - and your "friend".

He will never trust you as long as you work there.

Like it or lump it!

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2018 15:10

Oh no - you'll be telling us it was just 'banter' next
Yeuk.
It's a horrible thing to do and why the hell didn't you delete them from your phone when you decided to put a stop to it?
And why was your DH looking through your phone?
This is hard for your DH to come to terms with.
It's a horrible betrayal.
Imagine if it was the other way around.
REALLY consider that.
If you found what he found on his phone.
How would you react?
As far the job goes, I can see both sides.
You can't just quit.
You have responsibilities you have to meet.
Start looking for another job as of now.

ShatnersWig · 11/01/2018 15:11

Glad to see the same response as if I man came out with this shit.

Interesting first post.

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