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Original poster

I sexted another man but feel my OH is over reacting. Opinions?

134 replies

Mish2890 · 11/01/2018 14:18

Me and my OH have been together or 9 years and we have 2 kids together.

I've worked with this guy for around 7 years, we've become good friends and work in a close knit team of 6 which includes 2 of his sisters. We went on our Xmas do and after everyone went home it ended up just being me and him. We got a bit flirty but nothing happened and we went home separately. Over the following days we got a bit flirty over text until one day we were proper sexting but we shortly realised what we were doing and put a stop to it.

As far as we were concerned that was it, we stayed friends and carried on as normal, no one needed to know as nothing actually happened and we put a stop to it as quick as it started right?

Fast forward a few weeks and my OH looked through my phone and found messages. He confronted me and I admitted to everything and we broke up.

He wants us to get back together (as do I) but he says if we have any chance then I have to quit my job as he can't face me working with this guy. I understand where he's coming from but it just seems extreme, I need a job to pay the bills and it'll be hard to find another job if I just quit! I'm happy to look for another job but I refuse to leave the one i'm in as practically it doesn't make sense!

I know i'm in the wrong but we all make mistakes and I feel like losing my job is a bit extreme and will just make me resent him?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 11/01/2018 18:58

Lemony - just like some men accidentally fall into a woman with their hard penis!

Graphista · 11/01/2018 19:05

NUMEROUS threads on here where wife in your husbands position and the exact same reaction and conditions for the relationship to move forward are advised with good reason.

You cheated, you want him back you have to actively prove you can be trusted, getting away from being in close proximity to the person you cheated on him with is the least you can do - and actually you should have offered he shouldn't have had to ask.

But I agree with pps you're minimising, denying, undermining your oh, denying his (righteous) feelings of hurt, shock, betrayal, loss of trust, loss of the relationship he THOUGHT you had, the betrayal and hurt caused to your children also seems to have completely escaped you

Honestly he should be binning you right off but the fact is that means usually losing his DC which isn't fair since its you that fucked up. You clearly don't care enough for him so why are you agreeing to try again?

Reading between the lines I don't think it was "just" sexting I suspect what was in the texts proved this. "Flirted but nothing happened" I suspect there was actually flirting going on in the run up to the Xmas do and that you AT LEAST kissed this guy. You seem the type to argue that anything other than piv sex is not cheating.

I also agree it's not the job you don't want to leave but your other man.

c3pu · 11/01/2018 19:30

anything other than piv sex is not cheating

It's not cheating if only the tip goes in...

Graphista · 11/01/2018 19:36

Oh yea - heard that excuse too!

Offred · 11/01/2018 19:42

As I said before what he is saying is that he doesn’t feel like he can trust you again without asking you to do something that is unreasonable.

This basically means that your relationship is over.

You cannot and should not trade your DC’s financial security for a man.

He cannot trust you again without controlling your behaviour and life in a serious way. And he may not be able to trust you again even if you give in to this control.

The only sensible thing to do is to stay separated.

BackInTheRoom · 11/01/2018 20:07

@Mish2890

I know i'm in the wrong but we all make mistakes and I feel like losing my job is a bit extreme and will just make me resent him?

Yep we all make mistakes but this was intentional so you are minimising.
I think it will make you resent him but doesn't he now resent you? I'd say if this happened, you'd kind of be equal?

Essentially, your DH is wanting to see you away from this OM, pronto! So by delaying it by a couple of months your relationship might irretrievably suffer whilst this time passes. What then?

You've got to ask yourself: why did I feel the need to share intimate conversations with somebody other that my DH? What is lacking?

Go google John Gottman books, his YouTube vids and his credentials. Google Dr Harley books and have a look at his website Marriage Builders.

Good luck OP.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 11/01/2018 20:24

I genuinely wonder if anyone can truly grasp just how much this type of thing destroys you until you're actually on the receiving end of it. I've been in your husbands place and it is 100% cheating. It completely ruins your trust and breaks your heart.

Cracker09jacker · 11/01/2018 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redguitar2 · 11/01/2018 20:37

You think he's over reacting??? Here, have a handful of BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

Huskylover1 · 11/01/2018 20:45

I hate to say this, but your relationship won't ever be the same now. What you have done is so very damaging. You've been discussing with another man, what you'd like to do to one another sexually. Your DH will be heartbroken. And it's a green light for him to detach and perhaps do similar when the situation presents itself. I would (and have) ended a marriage over similar. Don't you get the gravity of this? Really? I would add, that I don't think you are in love with your DH. There may be good reason for this (maybe not your fault, I don't know), but I couldn't imagine doing this, as I love my DH dearly. My ExH though...yeah absolutely I could have, cos I'd fallen out of love with him.

midnightmisssuki · 11/01/2018 21:15

ok - i think the OP gets the picture - she's awful and everyone hopes the relationship stays broken - is there any point in repeating the same thing to kick her while she's down? Come on - everyone makes mistakes and yes, this was a big one. She doesn't need reminding a thousand times.

OP - i think your relationship is already broken. I think it will never be same again if you get back with him and he will find it impossible to trust you again. What you did wasn't great - but you know that. I think its best you move on now. Good luck.

Redguitar2 · 11/01/2018 22:00

She's asking for advice from a forum. One person saying 'YABU' isn't going to make her realise that she is BU. I'm guessing you've never been in DPs position? I have. It makes me rage and having someone say they think their DP is over reacting makes me want to throw a mountain of Biscuit at them!

midnightmisssuki · 11/01/2018 22:22

Actually Redguitar2 - i have, my circumstances were a lot worse than sexting but that isnt in question here. I am just able to realise that 1000 people telling her she is awful, horrid, her bf is better off without her is just overkill. I think she gets the picture - thats all. Have you ever been so down and then have so many people kick you while you are down - its awful, anonymous forum or not - its not a great feeling - ive been there.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 11/01/2018 22:29

Ugh, OP, you sound like a proper twat. Hope your DP finds someone better. HTH.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/01/2018 22:33

So you sexted another man and expect your husband to just suck it up..Hmm

Sallystyle · 11/01/2018 22:48

Yes, I think OP gets it now. She made a really shitty choice which there are no excuses for, however, she didn't cause other poster's pain so need to take your hurt out on her.

Wanting to throw biscuits at her is just weird though.

OP, I would not give up your job until you have another one lined up. That would be a disastrous thing to do.

I hope you can both work through this, if that is what both of you want. I would be questioning if the relationship is good enough to go through everything you will need to go through if you remain together. If you were sexting another man perhaps the relationship was on its last legs anyway?

Sallystyle · 11/01/2018 22:52

So you sexted another man and expect your husband to just suck it up.

That isn't what she said.

This is what she said.

I understand where he's coming from but it just seems extreme, I need a job to pay the bills and it'll be hard to find another job if I just quit! I'm happy to look for another job but I refuse to leave the one i'm in as practically it doesn't make sense!

I don't think that means she expects him to suck it up. She just doesn't want to leave her job without a new one to go to. Pretty sensible really.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/01/2018 22:58

If she'd been sensible in the first place, she wouldn't have to even think about getting another job..

Smeaton · 11/01/2018 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/01/2018 23:33

Yup. Deal breaker for me too - just ask my exH

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 00:14

Wanting to throw biscuits at her is just weird though.

I take it you're new to MN and don't understand what Biscuit means.

Have you ever been so down and then have so many people kick you while you are down

Funnily enough yes I have and MN would be the last place I'd go! The OP doesnt sound like she's 'down' for cheating on her partner. If you're going to post such a provocative post, you've got to expect a barrage of people saying you're out of order- because she bloody well is! I'm not going to sugar coat it. She doesn't want it sugar-coated otherwise she wouldn't have come on here asking the question!

Branleuse · 12/01/2018 09:23

agree with c3po actually. You wouldnt have done this if you cared, so youre probably upset now because youre worried about losing what you have. not because what you have is making you happy. I think once youve done this sort of thing its too late. The trust will be gone and it will never be the same again anyway

Megs4x3 · 12/01/2018 13:14

Wow. Some comments here are harsh. Some relationships do survive infidelityand I defy snyone to assert that there are always issues. We can't be inside anyone elses relationship so if someone says, as they have been known to 'we survived and thrived' who are we to judge? I hope it works out for the OP and her DH.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 13:21

Megs4x3 of course relationships can survive infidelity but only if the guilty party realised that what they've done is wrong. Here lies the issue- from the title OP doesn't seem to think she's done much wrong. If she held her hands up, admitted her guilt and apologised profusely, then their relationship could survive. Imagine being OPs OH? You find out your OH has been cheating and then when confronted, the guilty party tells you you're over reacting! Sorry but a relationship is unlikely to survive that. She can't back track now. She basically excused her behaviour!

Notreallyarsed · 12/01/2018 13:22

@Megs4x3 do they survive it when the unfaithful partner won’t even admit it was cheating? I think the ones that do survive manage it with frank and open conversations and a hell of a lot of effort.