NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Oh, and checking in for day 20! So happy to be here. I still think about him a lot but a zillion times less anxiously than I did.

Morning ladies! DS is being a typical 2 year old so don’t have much time to post properly but checking in for Day 6 here. Day SIX. Can’t quite believe that. Still thinking back to him saying he missed talking to me. Can’t help but think how much bullshit that was if he sends one ‘how are you doing?’ crumb in SIX DAYS. Anyway we’re both moving in. I don’t hold to this adage that he has where we are ‘great friends’ because we aren’t and we never were. So realistically I’ve lost nothing from that perspective. If his girlfriend stops amusing him so much I imagine I’ll be first point of contact for entertainment via messages but if I’ve ignored one I can ignore more.

I have a slight issue in that one of the presents I bought his children is going to be late arriving. Can’t go into too much detail but I’m going to have to send him a replacement otherwise it will let them down. I don’t give a toss about him but I don’t want to disappoint the kids. I may just post it sans message. I definitely don’t want to see him to hand it over or let him know it’s being posted.

Moving ON not moving IN. God no...

Belonger your scenario sounds so similar to mine except the 2nd round never got off the ground because of my refusal due to us both being unavailable.

I suspect it might be the same. I'm harking back to years ago and being sentimental whereas I think for him it is physical. He kept mentioning how I still looked the same. He doesn't and has definitely aged. I was visualising cosy nights on the couch and grand declarations of love post separation (Of our existing relatuonships). He was visualising a shag in a hotel and going back to his gf.

I know he has great affection for me and beyond the indecent proposal has been very complimentary, without being OTT. However I do think we were looking for different things. I'm glad I walked.

Dreams all night long. Just want to touch him. But I know we are wrong for each other and he doesn't want to be here or he would be. Daytime I know that, but when I'm asleep he is here and he is happy

"oldbook We have been in a relationship twice, separated by a number of years, but never a good one! Huge physical attraction, lots of reenacting of early loss by me I think. Purely physical for him I think, but with just enough affection to keep me wanting more. I fancied myself as much cooler and detached than I actually am. Am no longer going to deny my real needs for affection and love, and he is not the one to meet those needs."

GOSH!!! i could have written that line for line, Belonger
Thing is i never 'fancied' HIM, he was never my type, but there was something about his twistedness, when focussed on me, that I found compelling. I have a history of becoming involved with men who treat me badly (origins in childhood) but he was by far the worst, plus some other aspects of his personality which fed straight into early deprivations.

This time when I saw him the sex was less intense. Less good.
First time in a hotel room rather than either his or my house.
More transitory. Less personal.
I looked at him when he was getting dressed and thought: 'how sad'
It will be the last time I have sex with him.

appella I’m having the dreams too. The one last night was it was me, him and his girlfriend...but I couldn’t tell if he was with her or me...so exactly like real life! He was acting like a complete knob in the dream too and she was really lovely. Again how things are in real life I guess!

Well done on day 6 sweet! And day 20 belonger!

Oldbook my whole thing with him has a complete air of unresolved stuff. But everything from 17yrs ago was unresolved for years too. I have closure from that time now and he has apologised and says he regrets it. I believe him.

I'm going to have to learn to deal with non-closure from this time too but I've done it once so I can do it again.

Hey everyone:)
I have broke no contact last night, and I don't feel bad,sad or anything at all apart that I somehow find funny the sarcastic message I sent him.I actually re-read it few times today,and each time I chuckle.
There is the message I sent:
Well I guess you don't want to be in touch.Not sure what I've done for you to ignore me ..unless you're back on tinder and preoccupied with someone else which is likely
He's not read it, he will read it though and I can not give a slightest f**k how will he react to it. I basically said what I wanted to say,it implies he's behaving badly-going OLD when he's actually not single. And the laughing emoji (with tears) showed exactly what I thought of his possible actions. I really don't care how he will react to me speaking my mind. I feel I'm back in control because the only thing that matters is I say what I want to say and when I want to say it, and it only thing that matters( a month ago I would be terrified if I said or did something that would mean he wouldn't want to speak to me ,I had to be lovely and perfect) Now I'm not lovely,im not perfect,Im not trying to be anything than I actually am .sarcastic bitch

Good for you Teens as long as you're in control that's the main thing. I knowingly broke NC on Xmas Day and New Years Day. But I knew what I was doing so no regrets either

Oldbook I think you're onto something there. Because the reason I stopped all correct was that he cut off face to face contact and I couldn't cope with that. I believe the reason he did that was because he can't hide his true feelings from me when I see his face- and so he can't put me in a box. With no face to face contact he can box me away and not have to deal with those feelings.

I think that's the thing though, by boxing his feelings away and never dealing with them, there's always the potential for a really damaging explosion.

I'm having a down day. Not hugely so but feeling like I'm surrounded by quite a few people who like me but, in actual fact, how many REALLY care? Not many, of course.

I've forgotten which day I'm on but the last contact was December 7th barring the HNY message I sent in response to his.

SO much of what you have all written has found me nodding in absolute agreement. Oh dear, where to start? I think about him every day but sometimes with a refreshing detachment during which I see him for the screwed up, unbalanced man he is. I don't doubt he has good intentions, up to a point, and I know he didn't use me just for sex because since July we haven't slept together once and he maintained so much contact with me and when we'd meet up for lunch he made it perfectly clear he was still attracted to me.

I've not heard from him since January 1st when he wrote that he'd been thinking about me a lot. Am wondering if he's still thinking about me or not.

One thing I'm often guilty of: assuming that my dreams and hopes will become reality. I project a certain fantasy and then fall flat on my face because, inevitably, the person I'm hoping against hope will feel the same or want the same things has a different perspective on things.

In a nutshell, today, I'm feeling disappointed and inconsequential.

Sorry for moaning, ladies!

Oh, and another thing which was discussed a few pages back. Once a month I have a Chinese abdominal massage; for those who don't know it's a way of releasing all pent up emotions and traumas. I really like the lady who does it but I cannot understand, emotionally, everything she tells me. The one thing I have the greatest trouble accepting is that I should be happy enough in myself not to need a man in my life and that any relationship would just be a cherry on the cake.

I get that in so many ways but surely we all need to feel loved, desired, to feel attraction for and with someone. I feel truly alive on a different level when that is the case. Do you agree or not?

One thing I'm often guilty of: assuming that my dreams and hopes will become reality. I project a certain fantasy and then fall flat on my face because, inevitably, the person I'm hoping against hope will feel the same or want the same things has a different perspective on things.
I'm guilty of this too, Getting which is why NC helped immensely to put things into perspective and realise my hopes were just mine otherwise he'd be here with me and he's not at all.

I feel truly alive on a different level when that is the case.
Yes but then after highs come lows as it is unsustainable to have highs all the time

Bingo, Teens, you've hit the nail on the head! I need passion in my life to feel truly alive. This is going to come across as weird but when I came out of my father's funeral last October I turned to my siblings and said 'that was one of the saddest and most beautiful moments of my life. I wish we could do it all over again.' And then I realised what I already knew; I love intensity. My everyday life is stable with plenty of routine; as a mother it's my natural instinct to be that way. But I adore intense experiences and that attraction thing between a man and a woman is quite high on my list.

I'm really glad to have read your last message, Teens. I am who I am but it's important for me to know that after the high comes the slump or the disappointment or sense of rejection or disillusion.

Thank you for that.

And another thing I must question myself about: why do I go for unavailable men, be it geographically, emotionally etc.? I suspect that any relationship with them is necessarily more intense...

And...so many of my relationships in the past have started with passion and intensity. Am I to understand that it's preferable to start things more slowly, more calmly? That a man can actually care about you without being all fire and flames and confessing eternal (when is it ever?) love?

Bear with me please. I know I sound completely ridiculous but I'm trying to learn to see things differently.

Getting is there maybe an area in your life you can get that intensity without it being the result of a relationship? High stakes job? Adventurous hobby?

getting you don't sound ridiculous at all, and I think a lot of us are finding it helpful to think out loud on this thread, to help us work out where we are.

Interesting about the intensity and the unavailability. Did you grow up in an emotionally intense household? Might be that it's your normal and anything else feels a bit dull/dead. No need to answer here, just a thought. What does the idea of a stable, quiet sort of relationship make you feel?

Why am I such a fool?? I met him for coffee. He wants to meet for dinner. I only told him I'd think about it. I cannot get my head and my heart to be in sync. I KNOW he's bad for me and that I've been miserable at times in the past (and frankly I can't deal with the hatred my mother feels towards him after all this, or forget the utter relief my family all felt when I left him, including my 95 year old grandmother who I thought liked him) but deep down I WANT to see him and be with him. I don't know what to do. I want to be able to switch off and not care about any of this.

I was talking to someone about this the other day, and wondering if joy is something that can bring that intensity without the pain. So is there scope for seeking joy rather than thrills, which often bring danger and risk and heartbreak

Hi zoo, don't be too hard on yourself.

The part of you that wants to see him, what does she crave? What is she scared of losing if she gives him up?

The part of you that says he's bad for you, what does she want?

Can I join you ladies? I've been in a nearly 2 year on/off relationship, the most passionate and volatile of my life!

When he's good he is amazing, but he has the worst moods I've ever encountered, he's literally like 2 different people! I ended things last June, started seeing other people, went on many many dates and played the field a bit, still in contact with him with occassional weekends together, he lives 3 hours away so not frequent. In November he told me he was seeing somebody else, I completely cut him off, blocked him on everything, 2 weeks later he posted a letter through my door how in love with me he was etc, spent a few days together then he was deployed, he's home early for a funeral, had a week at home, spent 2 days at my house then he's been staying at his dads a mile away, he's being deployed again tomorrow, and has made no effort to come and see me, say bye etc.

I know I need to move on, I know I will feel so much better when i do, I know I can do much much better than him so why do I want him so much?? I'm literally driving myself mad! I hate him and love him in equal measures. I know he will never fully accept my children and will never want to play an active part in their lives, I just need to walk away.

So today it starts, my last text to him last night was " one time you're going to snap out of your mood and it will be too late, you'll have lost me" this needs to be that time!

I've actually been talking to someone else since before he came back on the scene, he's lovely but doesn't have the same intensity and passion but I need to give it a chance!

Help me stay strong!