NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

User it definitely is very hard to think that they've moved on. I don't think I'm ready to face that reality yet but as each day of NC goes by it's more obvious.

I can't mention him to some of my friends anymore as they can't believe I am still so obsessed. I have kissed men since, no one feels as good and just so lovely

NK - facing that reality is the hardest. I can't seem to accept it

It doesn't mean they have though.

'Anxious' thank you for that, I really needed to hear that. Isn't it awful that they make us feel that way. I know that having stronger boundaries is the way forward but when you are in it you don't want to let it go even though you should. I think the answer is to be happy in yourself and on your own but if we were all like that would we ever meet someone!

Itsalottery I agree with you. Being happier in oneself. Although mine didn't know just how much he was responsible for my happy or sad mood. I can remember not really being able to eat. Got a lovely text from him and was physically dancing round my kitchen with my kids. But... He did that to me by just being so nice and so into me.

Apart from this NC have you got things you can work on to help with this? I know I still have a lot of issues around exH that need addressing and NC was such a wonderful escape from it all. Maybe that is why it sent me so crazy afterwards. Double the pain in a way. I do feel somewhat of a fraud on here as if he contacted me I wouldn't be able to ignore

anxious I have a lovely dd and lots of friends so I can't be that bad. Just need to get it in perspective but it's so hard. Like you if he sent a lovely text id be on cloud nine but that is not healthy. You are so not a fraud for admitting if he contacted you you would reply, if you wouldn't and would be fine with that decision you wouldn't be on here, you would have truly moved on. Ahhh the aspiration!!

NK and anxious it is hard. I have a memory from a few months ago when I begged him to come back to me, and he looked at me pityingly and told me I was no longer part of his life and to 'move on' like he has. It was horrible.

Oh user that is awful. Mine never said that but might as well have had in his mocking tone of voice. We are worth so much more x

I ended it. Seeing him Saturday as he wants to meet in person. But it's done. Thank you so much everyone!! Now the real NC begins xxx

appella Good on you. Hope you have support in real life to support you? (and you've got plenty here too!)
Its Oh god the mocking tone is awful! ex uses it on me when he is trying to sound tough and hard, but unfortunately he has a naturally whiny voice so he just sounded like a 5 year old mimicking a grown up.

app Welldone for taking control! Do you really need to see him?

anxious I would be dancing around the room too if I received a message and would reply within 1.2 seconds.
100% agree with you about them pulling away and making us clingy. I remember just feeling so panicked when I realised he was doing it to me.

So I was just having afew moments lying in a hammock, thinking about you know who when a bird shit on me 3 times, including ON MY FACE. What kind of message is that universe

Its my birthday tomorrow.
when we met on Sunday he said he'd text.
so here i am already wondering if he will.
the pattern is, if he knows i want something, he doesnt do it. pah.
why do i even bloody care?

was thinking: he lied about so many things. big (financial situation)
and small (what time he gets up / how often he runs etc)
and the future faking (the house we were to buy, the baby etc...)
it was like he wanted it but it was totally divorced from reality
but he couldnt be honest with ME as he couldnt be honest with himself. so now i must be 'put out of mind' as i remind him of his own idiocy / lies???

Good lyrics Oldbook. Checking in for Day 10. Double figures. I can do this. Doing dry January means there is zero temptation to contact which is good. I'm hoping by the time I get to the end of Jan the habit will be broken.

Basseting would you feel strong enough to block him so you're not wondering/don't care. From what you've told he is cruel and only cares about himself. And I suspect you've only told us a few things. He isn't good for you. He wasn't when you were younger and definitely isn't now.

Hi everyone- thank you all for the lovely comments. It doesn't feel good I must admit. It feels like I'm tearing a piece of myself away for every day that I don't hear from him. I hate how he can switch off so easily and not care about what I need.

But I'm a stubborn bugger, so when I say I won't message... Lol

I should probably count things like the Facebook post as contact really anyway, so my count isn't very accurate, but I'm trying so hard.

I really think this thread is incredibly inspiring

NK I think I need to know if he does?
Certainly he cares only for himself. Clinically so.
Yes I have only said a few of the more mild examples of cruelty.

I was just reading another thread where someone gave good advice:

'... an intense and persuasive man getting me to do things I would never have done with anyone else... I had low self esteem, I had depression and anxiety, and he showered me with attention and 'love' and I became infatuated. There was a hellish strong sexual chemistry.
...infatuation disrupts your ability to assess risk and make sensible decisions.... you need birth control, std tests and a mental health assessment as you seem very vulnerable.'

i dont know about a MH assess (tho I am prob clinically depressed) but all the rest applies. It was HIM in particular.. This would never have happened with anyone else. But it's going to take so long to get through it. I dont know how to take back control. Each time i meet him he is slightly less bothered. You can see. So i need to stop that first. then i need to stop contacting (day 4 today). If he sends a birthday wish I wont reply. but I wish i could not care too :(

basseting I promise you it does get easier to care less. I can't tell you the number of times I've gone NC with my guy, but never managed to stick to it until now. I know that he is someone I will always be drawn to and that it will always hurt me, so that is why I know I can't pretend any more that we can be 'just friends' or that I can handle anything casual. Therapy has helped me hugely to work through the other, earlier losses which have led me to be so attached to this guy. You CAN get through this. It's not even about him, the priority is perhaps building your self worth back up so you can no longer tolerate this sort of treatment from anyone

oldbook We have been in a relationship twice, separated by a number of years, but never a good one! Huge physical attraction, lots of reenacting of early loss by me I think. Purely physical for him I think, but with just enough affection to keep me wanting more. I fancied myself as much cooler and detached than I actually am. Am no longer going to deny my real needs for affection and love, and he is not the one to meet those needs.

Have been through a HUGE amount of hating myself for wanting him so much. Told myself I was pathetic, weak, stupid etc. Not a moment of that helped.

What has helped is understanding why he triggers so much in me, and forgiving myself, being really kind and looking for support. This group has massively helped with that.