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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
Belonger · 10/01/2018 21:04

My day's been OK have felt sad about finally ending it but mostly strong and pleased that I managed it. Still very much one day at a time and appreciating you all being here. We are fab.u.lous

user1493423934 · 10/01/2018 21:05

Welcome zoo and Non
Zoo you've had a rough time lately, sorry about the loss of your baby and break up. Feel free to vent here, we're all here for you.
Basseting he sounds awful and abusive. You definitely better off without.
Was sad yesterday as I was on Twitter yesterday and I accidently clicked on the button which says when you've been mentioned by other people. Ex had (a while ago) tweeted happy anniversary on our wedding anniversary and happy birthday when it was my birthday (a while ago obviously). Made me sad I'm never going to see that on twitter again, never going to celebrate another wedding anniversary or celebrate another birthday with him again. (Both wedding anniversary and my birthday are coming up very soon). I need to move on, I know but seeing stuff like that still makes me so sad.

Belonger · 10/01/2018 21:07

nk well done for doing what you feel is right even if it hurts. Are you hoping that he will get in touch or have you blocked him?

Belonger · 10/01/2018 21:10

Welcome nonplussed, sorry you got lied to and well done for going NC. Post here as much as you need to, we're all having similar challenges despite our different situations. We'll help as much as we can! NC is really hard sometimes but is ultimately empowering

Belonger · 10/01/2018 21:10

That last post sounds really patronising, sorry!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 21:12

Belonger you are strong, really strong. Definitely take it one day at a time. Do you think he'll contact you again?

User it's only natural feeling sad about anniversaries etc. Be kind to yourself at times like this

Belonger I'm half hoping he does half hoping he doesn't. I haven't blocked him as that would be telling him I cared. I can only see him on one form of SM so can't do much stalking anyway.

NonplussedwithFB · 10/01/2018 21:17

Thank so much for the welcome belonger everyone feel free to recap what's happening to trigger NC if you want me to not ask 50 million questions Grin

I'm struggling with not wanting to send him angry messages demanding to know why he's such an arsehole but have so far held off!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 21:20

Was he seeing his ex Nonplussed?

Belonger · 10/01/2018 21:24

nk I don't think he'll contact me again, but then I didn't think he'd be so open about being sad that I was ending it, I thought he'd be super cool. So who knows. But I'm not thinking about that now, I'm focusing on keeping strong and busy and relieved to be honest, that I've made a decision and can move on.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 21:29

Good on you Belonger staying focussed on these things is a great idea

NonplussedwithFB · 10/01/2018 21:31

I don't think he was cheating on me but they had some absolutely screwed boundaries. She would defo have slept with him and he knew this liked the attention I think. The list is as long as my arm. I met her on our first date. He introduced her as his best friend but turns out she was his ex of 12 years. She has been a thorn in our relationship from day 1.

Itsalottery · 10/01/2018 21:33

nonplussed my situation is similar to yours. I sent a lot of those angry messages you are trying not to send. Try not to do it, I think he ended up just feeling justified and relieved to be shot of me as I acted like such a nutter. Dignified nc much better.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 21:44

Oh dignified NC is way better for sure

user1493423934 · 10/01/2018 21:44

Non oh thats awful. Sounds like you are being dignified which is good. I've found writing a letter and not sending it is quite a good way to express feelings.

NonplussedwithFB · 10/01/2018 21:53

Itsalottery what happened with you?

I'm furious. Mostly with myself. I've spent our entire relationship being unsure because of the ex. What a waste of time and my dd (6) got very attached to him. He said he loved me but it all feels like a lie. Dignified silence is the way to go but it's really hard Sad as you all know x

anxiousnow · 10/01/2018 22:07

Nonplussed, he did mislead you initially though saying friends. I spent a lot of time with my NC doubting him, again due to my abusive exH. He assured me he was different and that he would never hurt me but ended up ghosting me and sending me into a deeper depression than my exH. We beat ourselves for doubting or for being needy etc but we are made to feel that way. Their relationship would unsettle anyone

anxiousnow · 10/01/2018 22:08

Belonger you sound strong now. Relief is so positive

Zoo33 · 10/01/2018 22:13

Back at zero. He rang me this evening from a withheld number so of course I answered it. Feel so so low. Apparently if you withhold your number it bypasses the block. Who knew??

He wants to meet for coffee tomorrow to talk. I'm not strong enough to see him without wanting to give him another chance which is probably what he's hoping for. He turned up at my parents' on NYE - telling him I didn't love him anymore (which was a lie and he didn't believe me anyway) and walking away was the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't do it again.

anxiousnow · 10/01/2018 22:14

Zoo - what did you say to his request?

Itsalottery · 10/01/2018 22:16

nonplussed similar length relationship, found out some lies that showed I was not that important. I ended it but didn't want to. He was not even bothered. I totally over invested and gave so much. I ignored so many issues because of love and not wanting to give it up. It was right to end it but still hurts like he'll and makes the whole time together feel like a fraud. The more he pulled away the more I clung on making me even less desirable. I was shameful really. The nc is important for my dignity but I am still hurting a lot.

user1493423934 · 10/01/2018 22:21

Zoo oh dear, are you going to see him?
I don't think if he calls you (esp from 'witheld' number) it should put you back to day 1. My ex calls me all the time about child/house stuff, I have only gone back to day 1 if I called him, or begged him back (Which I have done in past Blush ) but not for over a month (On day 34 here).

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 22:26

Day 34 is amazing User. How are you feeling?

Zoo33 · 10/01/2018 22:27

@user1493423934 That's good to know! Day 4 it still is then.

@anxiousnow I mainly cried a lot and didn't say much. I would have said yes but he wouldn't stop talking and pleading. He then started to say I shouldn't listen to what my family and friends were saying and I should go with what I wanted. Half the trouble is my head says to get rid but my heart says to go back to him. So I said I had to go and hung up in tears. Cue 17 missed calls and who knows how many voicemails.

user1493423934 · 10/01/2018 22:38

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Feeling OK despite a few wobbles. I guess the sad thing is that ex is totally over me and comfortable calling me for purely 'business' reasons if that makes sense? hopefully I will be feeling like that soon. Sigh. So shit knowing he's totally over me and not grieving me at all, and I'm not feeling that yet.
anxious Oh dear it is hard when you are being pursued. What do you want? if your family and friends are advising you not to go back then maybe you need a break and think about how he treated you and why they would be concerned? I don't know it's hard and only you can make that decision. Take care. And post on here to vent!

anxiousnow · 10/01/2018 22:44

Zoo it is ok to just say I need some time. I can't tell you again but might be able to talk after some space. He isn't letting you think straight. Bless you. Sounds so upsetting.

itsalottery as i said before... they make us go clingy. Pulling away would obviously make you plunge into uncertainty. Don't feel ashamed of how you acted.

I am verging on propercrazylady in my head. Luckily not in reality. I need to know where he is and why he went. I do know that what was going on with him was not to do with me. He was so lovely to me until the ghosting. Why can none of my superstalking friends find an answer for me. When my exH had an EA my friend had tracked down the OW... but no one can telk me why or where he is. I haven't physically touched him since October yet here I am still pining for him Blush